


Semper Fi

by Dreamer_88



Category: Shefani, The Voice (US) RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:20:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 66,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24306574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreamer_88/pseuds/Dreamer_88
Summary: "Some people, like her parents, are made for forever love. Others are meant to grasp at it tirelessly, yet never truly get there."
Relationships: Blake Shelton/Gwen Stefani
Comments: 210
Kudos: 218





	1. your sad story eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends,
> 
> This new story is an idea that got pitched to me a while back, but I kind of gave up on for a while. Recent life events have inspired me to finish this first chapter finally and post it here. 
> 
> I wish I could say a lot of fluff will be coming up, but unfortunately that’s just not the mindset I’m in right now. I’m eagerly presenting you this story, even though angsty, and hope it may touch you and heal me. 
> 
> \- D.

_The car had stopped before she knew it, enjoying the fact that she didn’t have to drive and could get lost in thought without it being dangerous._

_Blake jumped out of the car, strode down to her side and helped her out graciously. She had never dated a guy who was as thoughtful and as serious on the chivalry, but she didn’t think she’d ever grow tired of it._

_She follows him all the way, confused and curious, but she knew all her questions would be shut down anyways. This was her day, he kept repeating. She didn’t have to do anything but put on her favorite dress and get in the car with him—he had all the rest taken care of._

_“What are we doing here?” She asked finally, a little bit surprised when Blake got her to stand still in front of the Getty Center, a place she visited a few times before dating him and once with Blake and the children._

_He smiled at her softly._

_“I wanted to take you back to Oklahoma so we could stargaze all night, but since both our schedules are pretty jam-packed right now, I figured I couldn’t whisk you away from here this time. So, I decided on the second-best thing…”_

_“Second best thing?”_

_“We’re gonna have dinner here and stargaze from up there.” He said while pointing at the higher terrace. It only then dawned on her that the place was open still, much past its usual closing time. “I rented the place for tonight. I just want to make this anniversary a special one.”_

_She had to fight the urge to tackle him to the ground and make love to him right there, and instead she threw her arms around his neck and clung to him like he was a soldier going off to war._

_“Who even does anything like this?” She whispered emotionally._

_He chuckled._

_“I just want the best for you.”_

_Making it to the top of the Center was something different—the view gasp worthy, and the weather on their side. There was a table for two placed in the middle of the terrace, candles lit romantically in the evening gloom. It was simple yet magical, the exact combination that made their relationship work._

_She never wanted to leave. Could stay there forever, gazing up at the stars and feeding each other fish tacos and dab with vinegar butter._

_Blake had asked the waiter to bring out the blanket he brought, draped it over her shoulders when he realized she was getting a bit cold. She stole a bunch of kisses from him, delighted in the way he would react. She had never been with someone who liked to kiss as much as she did and it made for the most enjoyable moments of her life._

_Everything was calm and right, before a certain twinkle in his eyes made her aware of something else. Something she wasn’t let in on yet, but was about to find out._

_“Gwen, I’ve never been this happy or this content in my entire life. I started to think about what I could give you for our third anniversary together and I just couldn’t figure it out. Until I started thinking about everything we already have…”_

_“Blake...” She whispered._

_“Let me say this, baby.” He stopped her gently. “I started thinking about what we have together, how good it is, how stable it is. I’ve never had that before. I realized that we already have the most important things in the world; this love, the boys, we’re happy and healthy—it’s all there.”_

_Gwen was near tears by the time he took a deep breath, stood up and got down on one knee in front of her._

_Her hand moved in front of her mouth, unable to disguise her gasp._

_“All I wanna do for you now, is make you another promise. A promise that I’ll always be there, I’ll always cherish you, always love you. I don’t wanna look back in thirty years and wonder if you’re married to someone else. I want to be that guy, Gwen. I am that guy.”_

_She couldn’t speak, could barely breathe, all she wanted in that moment was for him to finish his speech and ask the question she already knew the answer to from the moment they started dating._

_“So, this is my gift to you tonight, but really it’s mostly mine.” He had said nervously, with an adorable smile on his face, before he reached in his chest pocket and retrieved a small black box. He flicked it open with two fingers, revealing a gorgeous silver rock laying in a pool of white suede. “Gwen Renée Stefani, will you marry me?”_

_Overcome with emotion, she had let out a few sobs before nodding franticly._

_“Yes! Yes of course I wanna marry you.”_

_“Yes?”_

_“Oh my god Blake yes! I love you.”_

_He slid the ring on her finger gently before lifting it to his mouth and kissing it. She urged him up and basically jumped him, pressing deep and lingering kisses on his mouth._

_They knew they were gonna continue the celebration in private soon, but she couldn’t help but grind in to him a few times, the salt of her tears mingling on their lips._

-x-

He can barely remember a time where she wasn’t in his life and that’s saying something considering he’s only been with her for three years. He knows he’s had a life without her though. He knows there was a time when his life consisted of a conceited blonde wife, a horrifying sense of disconnection whenever they laid down together and a bottle of vodka he would do anything for.

And still, a part of him had always been off limits to everyone until Gwen came around. As if part of him knew she was coming and he wanted to save himself for her.

The instant her hand grasped his and shook it, his soul seemed to breathe out for the first time in thirty-eight years. That feeling of fate was so potent that one year later when his life exploded in his face, it made a twisted sort of sense. Somewhere along the months that followed he’d learned to relax just a little in his own skin. He found himself wishing for years he didn’t have with her and dreaming about the years that were gonna be theirs.

That had been his exact reasoning for proposing four months ago.

They are each other’s end, each other’s fate. She will always be in his life and he will always be in hers. They will always be together; nothing and no one can ever alter that.

-x-

Her gut lurches as the wheels hit the tarmac, trundling along the runway before coming to a gradual stop. She had been in New York for a couple of days in regards to negotiations for Fashion Week, which had been something she’d put on the backburner for a few years but was always excited to come back to.

Her kids were with her ex-husband this week, which meant coming home to a quiet household with Blake’s arms to fall into. The same arms that saved her and held her through some of the most traumatizing moments of her life. Lately they were also the arms that had shut her out and held his pillow at night instead of her.

She strokes her index finger over the large jewel on her ring finger and sighs. The seatbelt light flicks off and she rises out of her seat when allowed. She reaches into the overhead compartment and retrieves her carry-on and slowly exits the plane. Her feet want to hurry but she forces herself to be patient. Her mind however, is already calculating how long it will take for the SUV to bring her back home and reunite her with her lover. Her fiancé.

She’s pretty sure it’s not supposed to feel like this.

-x-

“We don’t _have_ to do this, you know?” His voice pierces through her train of thought.

She registers the tone in which he spoke to her, letting her know of his annoyance while he approaches her from behind.

“I know.”

“You know?” He repeats, the room falling quiet, a deafening silence that only further emphasizes their defeat. “That’s all you gotta say to me?”

She turns around without ever meeting his gaze.

“I don’t know what else you want me to say.”

His face contorts into a painful grimace and in moments like these, she wishes he wasn’t this expressive. It would be so much easier to not see all the hurt and disappointment lingering there like a fresh painting whenever she proved to be something he didn’t like.

“What about, ‘Gosh Blake, that’s not what I mean, I would _love_ to get married’. I don’t fucking know Gwen, something like that maybe.”

She looks away immediately, her finger twisting at the silver band on her finger. The beautiful jewel was so light when she first accepted it, but now it feels like a heavy sting around her skin. She twists it again, hoping that somewhere along the line it would stop hurting and just feel right, like it did when he proposed.

“I need to get out of here.” She says simply.

Blake throws his hand up, scoffing.

“I can’t believe you.”

She looks up to meet his blue gaze, hit with the horrifying realization that his anger doesn’t surprise her anymore.

He used to be the most cheerful, colourful human she’d ever met. Anger and Blake were hardly two words you could use in the same sentence ever, but nowadays, it seemed to be the only thing he harboured for her.

She’s tired. And maybe also afraid.

Very afraid.

“There’s food left in the fridge and you can finish the bottle of wine. Don’t wait up for me.”

He walks away from her with a bitter and knowing smile on his face, his hand slamming down on the kitchen counter. She takes another deep breath before slamming the front door shut behind her.

Metaphorically slamming the final nail in their coffin.

-x-

“This is ridiculous.” He breathes. “You wanna hide out at your brother’s and then what? You’re just gonna wait till our troubles magically disappear?”

Her eyes narrow.

“Glad to know my boyfriend has this much faith in me.”

“Fiancé.” He corrects her. “Though, that’s not what you want anymore is it?”

He stares at her confidently, as if what he just said reigned true at all.

She’s never wanted to get married more than when Blake proposed to her. He was her unexpected blessing, a true gift from God, a testament to the power of prayer and being a good human being. With them, it was supposed to be right. They weren’t ever supposed to end up here and that’s what scares her the most.

“You keep talking to me like you don’t know me at all.” She accuses him, palms sweaty. “I left _for_ us. I left so we couldn’t make things worse. If you want us to have a chance at all, you’d honour that.”

“Stop pussyfooting around me. I want answers.”

“Go home, Blake.”

She had enough. Her body was overheating, the warmth from the apartment coupled with the heated argument were making her dizzy.

She walks away from him, expecting he’d take the hint and let himself out. Her mouth becomes dry with the lack of air she’s inhaling as she walks into the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

He follows her.

He was completely disregarding her dismissal and it surprised her. He’s always been determined to make things right but he would also walk away whenever things got too much for them. But for some reason, tonight, he isn’t backing down.

Before he has a chance to speak again, she beats him to it, spinning around to face him.

“Go home.” She repeats. “Please.”

He holds her eye contact intensely and swallows. He looks like he’s being torn between pushing harder and letting go, a deeply suppressed hunger and newfound nonchalance all fighting for domination.

“We’re not done.” He says, his tone a notch softer than before.

She’s nervous, modest and intrigued all at once and something about his discomfort pleases her. She’s angry about the course of events that have transpired lately, she’s upset that he hasn’t touched her in nearly two weeks and she’s tired because he keeps finding ways to poke holes in her stories.

She has an overwhelming urge to play into his discomfort tonight.

“Yes we are.” She says slowly, leaning back on the counter and crossing her arms, amplifying her cleavage.

His eyes dip to the exposed skin above her breast, revealed by the low tank top she’s wearing. It feels good to know she can still turn him on, even in the worst of times. It’s nice to know she hadn’t completely lost her hold on him. He looks back up quickly as if to remind her that their physical pull is no longer enough.

“Come home with me.” He says, biting his lip. “Come home and talk to me.”

“Not right now.” She whispers.

He watches her with an irritated look in his eyes.

“Do you still wanna get married, Gwen?”

The silence was once again deafening.

“Do _you_?” She throws the question back at him, guilt rattling her body.

She watches as his lips twist into a smile. Not a pleasant smile, but a sarcastic grimace, as if he finds her question humorous.

“I don’t know if you’re running from me because you’re scared of getting married again, or because you just got tired of being with me, but whatever’s the case—it’s cowardly. You’re being a coward Gwen.”

He was baiting her and she was falling for it.

“Leave.” She demands in a strained whisper.

“Listen to me— “

“Leave.” She says louder this time. “This is my brother’s house. I’m not doing this here.”

“Then come home.”

“No.”

He’s looking at her like there’s an explanation following and she can’t bare his scrutinising gaze any longer. When he realizes she’s not about to elaborate, he scoffs quietly under his breath.

“No?” He repeats.

“Not tonight. I don’t wanna be around you tonight.”

“What about what _I_ want?”

She shakes her head, swallowing hard.

“I’m sorry.”

He bites his lip so forcefully, she can see a drop of blood forming at the corner of his mouth.

“I keep trying to fix things and you continue to throw grenades at my back. I can’t keep doing this with you.”

Her eyes water instantly, the words causing her so much hurt she doesn’t know how she’s still breathing. If only he knew how much she still loved him, how much she still wants to marry him even when her mind tells her not to.

“Then don’t keep doing this, Blake.”

She just stands there and watches as he heads for the door and slams it behind him.

-x-

She didn’t come home that night. Or the night after that. Blake’s accusation had hit her hard, not because it wasn’t true, but because it _was_. She did hide out at her brother’s, afraid of facing what was going on in her own home.

The lights were down low; no sign of Blake still being awake as she opens the front door and lets herself in. She signals a few blankets on the couch, and she registers that he must’ve slept down here instead of their bed while she was gone. That realization causes a pang of hurt to shoot through her body.

All the sudden, the living room becomes illuminated, Blake’s tired frame walking over to where she’s standing in the doorway. He looks exhausted, angry, but mostly desperate. It’s a feeling she can relate to. She looks over at him, stomach spiralling in anticipation at what he will say.

Instead of talking, he steps forward and grabs the lapel of her open jacket, pulling her forward. Her hands come up to steady herself as he tugs her into the living room, not stopping until he’s got her back pushed against the wall.

“Please touch me.” She whispers, wanting nothing more than for Blake to finally _touch_ her again.

It’s as far as they get to discussing this before they’re tipping their heads in synch for the right angle to kiss.

Gwen moans into his mouth instantly, the intensity overwhelming. She whimpers at the way he ignites fireworks in her gut and welcomes the grip Blake has on her nape, keeping her still as he sticks his tongue in her mouth and takes control of the situation.

Gwen lets him have it with no resistance, her arms snaking around his neck as their lips glide on one another; tongues flicking hotly wherever they can reach. Her body starts grinding against his groin and Blake encourages it with a hand on her hipbone, pushing her down so she can feel how hard he already is for her.

She pushes on his chest, indicating she wants to go upstairs, and he understands her immediately. He picks her up by her thighs, waiting for her to hook her legs around his waist. He walks her upstairs; clothes being shred until he dispositions her on the bed. She’s wearing only her lingerie, her body aching to have him again. It’s been more than two weeks since they’d been intimate and these little intermezzos on their bedroom activities had been happening more often lately.

Done with waiting, she pulls Blake on top of her, flipping them as soon as she senses he’s distracted enough. She ventures down his body with a purpose, not stopping until she’s gotten his boxers all the way off. Her hand closes around his shaft while she licks her lips, her grip on him easing a little bit as she positions herself between his legs.

His mouth hangs open in a silent moan that gets louder once Gwen takes the head into her mouth, breathing carefully through her nose and keeping her teeth out of the way. Blake’s eyes roll to the back of his head when she applies just the right amount of pressure and takes him in a little deeper.

He’s not directly looking at her and she figures he can’t. Not when she has him all the way down her throat, her hazel eyes almost black with lust, hot pink lips stretched around his cock.

She knows the dead giveaways. Blake’s groans turning into a string of curses, his hands gripping her head, his hips bucking up at her—she’s got him right where she wants him. She’s genuinely disappointed when he pulls her up and off him, shaking his head.

“Not like this. I wanna come inside you.”

She can hardly be mad at his reasoning and she’s grateful he doesn’t take long at undressing her.

He’s in between her legs the next minute, spreading them wider for him and pushing his tip into her. It’s the last gentle move he makes and it’s exactly what she wants.

She gets one of her legs around him, digging her heel hard into his back. She whimpers each time he slams into her faster and deeper, calling out his name until her voice gets hoarse from it. The bed creaks under them, the noise of skin slapping together only spurring them on to go harder and hold on tighter.

Blake reaches for the headboard blindly, his other hand reaching for her hip. The rhythm is fast and messy and she knows what this is. Two damaged and hurt people working out their frustrations in the most primal way they know how. Nothing gets fixed, but nothing gets broken either. She finally has him closer again, even when it’s not clear how many more times that will be the case. She will take everything he has to give her tonight.

Her body tenses suddenly, limbs becoming liquid underneath the weight of her pleasure. She comes shouting his name and gasping loudly when she feels Blake spurting inside her hotly. Blake groans out her name as if it hurt but was the best thing he’s ever felt all the same.

She smooths his brown curls with one hand, breathing shallowly.

“I do love you.” She whispers, feeling drained.

He nods while rolling on his side, taking her with him.

She feels sleep pulling at her eyelids by the time he responds.

“Love you too.”

She wakes up with a sigh, rolling on Blake’s side of the bed and hitting his larger body, still asleep. Her hair spills on her own pillow when she carefully slides back to her side of the bed, the smell of his aftershave the first thing that greets her, which is the second-best thing after her fiancée kissing her awake in the morning.

It’s incredibly early. She rises to her feet and pads to the window just in time to watch the sun rise in the sky.

She sighs again, putting on her thin silk robe on top of her nightgown, walking down the stairs.

She got started on breakfast, hoping to have a quiet morning for once. The tension between them is still there and she knows they’ll have to talk when he gets up. They can at least do that on a full stomach.

By the time Blake comes downstairs, she’s feeding Betty and Gingerbread. He helps her after pressing a kiss to the corner of her lips, his stubble scratching the skin of her cheek.

She guides him to a seat at the kitchen counter and puts the scrambled eggs with left over bacon she found in the fridge in front of him. She still feels herself getting giddy when he groans and praises her food before digging in, for a moment completely fooled by his light demeanour.

That’s until his phone starts buzzing off the hook, both their gazes directed towards the device on the counter. She didn’t mean to look that closely, didn’t intend for the look of hurt to flash on her features, but it all happens too quickly for her to stop.

“Why are you texting Brandon about negotiations?” She asks, skipping past all the bullshit and going straight for the truth.

“Jesus Christ.” Blake exclaims quietly, rubbing his face.

“Negotiating what?” She asks, though she knows the answer already.

“The Voice.” Blake says pointedly. “I’ve been doing this show for eight years, Gwen. You can’t expect me to just walk away.”

“We talked about this already.”

“And we decided that it would be best for this to be my final season. But Gwen, that was before— “

“—Before what?” She pushes.

“Before we got to this place.” He answers honestly. “I don’t think it’s fair I have to give up on this gig to free up some time, when it’s mostly you who’s been doing the distancing to begin with.”

Gwen opens her mouth in shock.

“You gotta be kidding me?”

Blake shakes his head. “I like it there. I like mentoring these kids, I like having something to do in this forsaken city that I don’t completely despise. I like having something here, besides you, to keep me sane.”

“Do I still keep you sane?” She asks, pushing herself to stand, feeling anger course through her like it just replaced all the blood in her body.

“Not at the moment.”

“You were gonna free up more time, just like I was turning down gigs of mine. We were on the same page about that, we needed more time to connect again.”

“We needed more time to plan a wedding but that’s not happening, is it?”

She straightens her back, walking into the kitchen and turning around so she doesn’t have to face him anymore. Anger hits another boiling point as she takes the remnants of food that are still in the pan and tosses it all in the trash, not hungry for her own share anymore.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

The words are out so fast, she doesn’t have time to think them over. Blake’s deep exhale feels like a slap to the face and she knows something just broke.

“For once, be honest with me.” He demands.

She spins around in record time.

“For once?” She spits. “I have always been honest. I told you I needed time to think, I told you we were making mistakes and it was hurting us, I told you I was afraid of marrying you for that reason. We’re making old mistakes; we’re not making enough time for each other, we’re losing sight of what’s important. I told you this and instead of listening to me, you pretended like I was crazy and decided to go back to a gig that will keep you busy nine months out of the year. Without discussing it with me. Are you fucking kidding me?”

“I didn’t discuss it because I didn’t want _this_ to happen, Gwen.”

“You knew the decision was bullshit and that’s why you were scared to tell me. You don’t want to go through with this thing as much as I don’t.”

For a moment, it looked like he wasn’t breathing. His face contorted into pain and nothing else.

“Blake…” She whispers when she realizes her mistake.

“No, no please don’t take it back.” He says, voice gravely and low, his gaze an ice cold one. “I’m glad to finally know the truth.”

“This isn’t all my fault, you can’t—” The air in her lungs runs out way before she can get the sentence out, her throat drying at the sight of Blake giving up on them. “I wanted this just as much as you did, you know that.”

“No.” Blake says firmly, holding her gaze while gripping the edge of the counter to steady himself. “What I _know_ , is that you got scared and started pushing me away. What I _know_ , is that you said you would fight for us and you lied. You goddamn lied.”

It’s all too much. The pain of her heartache, the pain of another loss, the pain of watching the love of her life being so hurt, the pain of not being strong enough to do anything about it.

“I think you should go.”

Blake scoffs bitterly.

“For the first time in a long time, I think you’re right.”

He’s out of the kitchen in an instant, the sound of his footsteps going upstairs loud to her ears. She crosses both arms across her stomach as if to protect herself, the hurt and ache in her chest making her almost double over. She stands nailed to the ground, even when he packs his things and brings one large duffel bag downstairs. The look in his eyes pleads for something, but for what, she isn’t sure.

To fight for him. To let him go. To make this easy on him. To block his way out.

“I can come back for the rest…” He starts softly, some of the anger in his voice subsiding—traded in for something much sadder, much more painful. “But I don’t want to, Gwen.”

She takes in his words, his last effort to make things right, to fight for them.

She lets them both down.

“I can’t.”

“I’m not giving up on us.” Blake whispers. “It’s not fair.”

She cries then, soundless and without so much as wincing, but the tears pour steadily.

He looks at her as if he wants to comfort her but he doesn’t move a muscle, simply stands there and watches as she crumbles. Things were not supposed to end like this, they were supposed to make it work.

But standing here in front of him, she thinks the nicest thing she could possibly do for him, is let him go.

Her hand is shaking when she slides off the ring he gave her two months ago, the sound of Blake’s voice calling her name in protest cutting her like the sharpest blade. She slides the large silver diamond gently across the marble, closing her eyes at the sudden loss around her finger.

“I’m sorry.” She whispers, unable to look at him any longer.

“Don’t do this.”

“It’s already done.’

His face crumbles like she just slapped him and she thinks he probably would’ve preferred that over her words. It’s not what he deserves, it’s not what neither one deserves, but part of her thinks this will always be her outcome.

Some people, like her parents, are made for forever love. Others are meant to grasp at it tirelessly, yet never truly get there. She won’t drag Blake with her, not when it’s clear it’s not what he wants.

She feels like she just got sucker punched when he doesn’t take the ring with him, leaves without even giving it a second glance, letting it be _her_ problem as it stains the marble of her counter.

She can barely look at it after the door closes, Blake’s presence and bag no longer there.

She finds herself standing underneath a cold shower, trying to even out her breathing, clutching at the wall for stability.

She holds a shaky hand under the frozen spray as goosebumps erupt across her flesh. She silently wills the water to run warm and when the steam finally begins to arise she steps forward even more. Sweet relief fills her body as the liquid cascades downward, but it’s not enough to give her any sense of peace.

Drawing in short breathes, she loses the fight against her sobs.

The water seeps into her mattered hair, down her face as she stands there numbly. The water is too hot now for it to be comfortable, but she barely notices. She lets it cover her skin, unmoving as the hot droplets fall onto her skin, filling the cracks of her soul.

She takes her first solid breath in ten minutes, trying not to think about how Blake took a bag full of his clothes and a bottle of vodka from the kitchen when he left. She tries not to think about in what state he just abandoned her house or how he’ll hold up now he’s no longer here. The heat from the shower takes over her thoughts soon enough, making her sleepy and reducing her brain capacity to nothing else but the liquid stream of heat covering her.

As the water continues to trail downward, she becomes lightheaded. The heartbreak and physical pain becoming too much. She rocks a little on her feet and grasps at the tiles for stability; crouching forward as her legs lose the ability to keep her upright.

She needs to sit down, so she does.

The warm spray continues to soothe her limbs as she sits on the porcelain beneath her, her head leaning against the cool tile with a heavy exhale.

She needs sleep.

Just sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will pick up a year from now. I hope to have you along for the ride.


	2. one promise too late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who left a comment on the last chapter. It means a lot as always! 
> 
> -D

Her address provides him with the bad side of overwhelming nostalgia. The gated residential with a controlled entrance holds the memories of a life that once was. The iron affair that sufficiently keeps him out until she buzzes him in is now just awkward, and far from impressive. He wonders if he should’ve forgotten about the code by now or if it’s normal to have those digits imbedded in his brain like the muscle memory with his guitar.

He’s buzzed in. Drives the car to her driveway. Waits.

The door swings open and he’s greeted by a woman in a bright red sweater, her smile wide, but brow falling into a furrow at the sight of him.

“Blake.” She tilts her head just slightly. “Gwen didn’t mention you’d come.”

“I got an invite, I promise.” He replies awkwardly.

Her mother steps forward and hugs him tightly. He expected a less eager response to his arrival and can only hope the rest of the afternoon will go smooth like this. He doubts it very much.

At last he’s being led through those forbidden double doors, down the long hallway and into the backyard where the party is apparently being held.

The chaos of the entire Stefani household outside matches the rambling in his own head. The sound weirdly makes him feel at home and he’s not prepared for how sad that makes him feel. Before he can tip his pity party into a higher gear, he’s being hugged again. This time, the welcoming arms belong to her sister in law. The whole family wasn’t opposed to showing physical affection and even after a year had gone by, and bad blood managed to settle between him and his dream girl, their greeting of him stayed warm and gentle.

“Gwen didn’t tell me you’d be here, what a great surprise. Zuma will freak.” Jen speaks softly. “You look good.”

He had lost some weight, got a clean haircut for the special occasion and trimmed his beard. He put on minimal effort, but still more than he’d do on a casual day.

Blake smiles warmly at her and realizes how accustomed they’d gotten over the years. Gwen’s whole family had become his own and the loss of that was absolutely desolate.

“It’s good to see you again. Where’s the birthday boy?” Blake asks softly. “Where’s Gwen?”

Jen smiles softly. “Zuma spilled cake on his shirt. I think they went upstairs to get him into a clean one. The others should be— “

“ _Blake_!” The sound of Kingston’s voice almost brings tears to his eyes, his tone much heavier than it was when he last saw the kid. “You made it!”

“— _Right here_.” Jen chuckles, shaking her head, finishing her sentence.

Blake mouths a thank you her way and embraces Gwen’s oldest in a lengthy hug. He pulls the kid tightly against his red button-up, swallowing past the lump in his throat. “It’s so good to see you again, buddy.”

“We missed you.”

Blake’s glad the boy has his head tucked against his chest because he can’t help the way his face twists into a painful version of his own. He feels the muscles in his jaw tensing and aching, as if the rawest feelings in his body are begging for a way out. Keeping them from King takes something out of him he didn’t know he had left to give. That’s how it felt like when Gwen gave up on him too; a theft of his spirit.

“I missed you guys too.” Blake croaks hoarsely. “I could never tell you how much.”

“Blakey!” Kingston makes way for Apollo to crash into him, Blake’s arms immediately wrapping up the two boys. “You’re here!”

The surprise in the young boy’s voice is enough to reduce him to a puddle of embarrassment. He knows he did Gwen a favour by staying away like she’d asked, but in doing so, he had given up his place in her boy’s life without much of a fight. That’s a pain that he will never be able to get rid of, a score that he’ll never be able to settle.

“I’m sorry I haven’t come to visit sooner. I know there’s been so much change and I apologize for that too.” He rubs him across his small back, catching Kingston’s eye as the older child had pulled away a bit to let Apollo have his turn. “I would love to catch up with you guys, hear all about what’s been going on in your lives.”

Without saying a word, he can feel Gwen’s presence. Just like it used to be, his body responds to her proximity immediately. He looks up to find her staring down at the sweet exchange, her flowery dress fitting her like second skin. She’d opted to let her hair down and went with an almost nude make up look. It had been like no time had passed and all he was left with was familiar awe. The expression on her face however _had_ changed. No longer was he greeted with that smile that reached her eyes, but instead she looks at him rather defensively.

“Blake, oh my god you came!” Zuma’s voice saves him from having to come up with a way to greet her right away as he comes charging his way. His short arms try to wrap all around him and Blake chuckles at the futile effort.

“There’s no way I’m missing your eleventh birthday, buddy.” Blake hugs him. “I brought you a little something. Actually, I brought you all something.”

Their intrigue immediately causes them to let go of him, expect for Apollo. He clings just a little tighter to Blake’s leg and he absolutely does not have the heart to pull away either. While his clinging does make it a little harder for Blake to reach into the bag he brought with him, he manages to hand them the little wrapped gifts one by one. Blake crouches down to Apollo’s level next, causing the young child to look up at him with confused eyes.

“I got you something, bud.” He tries gently, holding out the small gift in front of him. “Don’t you wanna see what’s in it?”

Apollo takes the present out of his hand but doesn’t dig in to open it. Instead, he launches forward and clings his little arms around Blake’s neck, the gift pressed tightly between his fingertips and Blake’s shoulder.

Sighing, Blake stands up and lifts his small buddy from the ground. Adjusting him on his hip, he finally has time to acknowledge Gwen.

After everything that happened, he expected that seeing her would immediately cause him to erupt into an ugly version of bitterness, but he still can only see the woman he fell so deeply, madly in love with.

“Hi.”

She forces a smile on her face and returns the sentiment. To others it might’ve been convincing, but Blake can tell she’s struggling with their greetings already. To know that she’s only trying to be properly civil with him for the kid’s sake is driving him absolutely insane.

“You look nice as always.” He says, unable to stop looking at her.

“Thanks.” She says. “You too.”

She breaks their gaze and takes a step back, smiling when Zuma runs up to her to show her Blake’s gift. The small baking set was not nearly as broad as the kid made it out to be, but with the baking book Blake gifted him right before he and Gwen broke up, he’s sure the creative child can come up with quite a few ideas. “Now I can _totally_ bake that cake, mom. You gotta let me do it.”

Gwen laughs. “Sure, but not today. There’s enough food and dirt staining the kitchen as is.”

He feels Apollo’s hands tighten around the back of his neck, his little fingers digging into his shoulders with as much power as he thinks the child possesses. Blake looks over at Gwen with a hint of worry.

“Is he...?” _Okay_ is the unspoken word and Gwen looks at them both and then sighs deeply.

“He’s been having a rough time.” She whispers.

Blake rubs the child’s back nervously, breaking Gwen’s gaze because of a fresh wave of embarrassment and unfiltered anger.

As much as he still loves the woman standing in front of him, he can’t help the accusatory voice inside him that tells him it’s _her_ who’s kept him from the boys for over a year. Had she said it was okay to stay in contact, there’s no way he wouldn’t have.

“Pollo, baby…” Gwen’s soft voice interrupts his internal musings. “You gotta let go of Blakey for a moment so mommy can talk to him.”

Apollo shakes his head and Blake knows Gwen needs backup in this moment, as much as he doesn’t want to provide it, doesn’t think she deserves it.

“Buddy, how about you let go just for a second so your mom and I can talk and afterwards I come find you again so you can show me your room. Did you continue to paint it?”

He remembers they were in the process of recolouring his room and Apollo was entranced by the idea of getting to help and slap the brush over his wall a few times too.

Her youngest nods. “It’s blue now. With stripes.”

“You’re kidding?” Blake asks. “Promise me you’ll show me when I get back.”

Finally, the grip on his neck lessens and he’s able to set the child down without too much protest. Gwen tells Apollo to go find Todd and Leo in the pool which he does slowly but surely.

“Inside.” Gwen tells Blake shortly before heading for the glass doors. He can feel the tension rippling off her like waves and the lack of communication they’ve had in the last year has him on edge. She leads him all the way into the kitchen, the house empty with everyone else outside.

“You told no one I was coming.” Blake says after what feels like a lifetime, the first real words he’d spoken to her after a year.

Her hands grip the counter.

“I didn’t want to get their hopes up.”

Her words burn more than the most expensive glass of Bourbon and he swallows hard.

“I would never make them a promise I couldn’t keep.”

“You haven’t seen them in a year.”

“Cause you told me to stay away.” He hisses, surprised and angry to hear her go there.

She sighs. Her eyes stare at the ground and he can see her fingers flex against the marble.

“I told you to stay away from me.” She says. “I didn’t want to make the situation any harder than it already was. I told the kids it didn’t work out but I never blamed you, I always made sure they never stopped seeing you in the same light, I kept the door open for you in case— “

“Don’t even say it.” He interrupts. “Don’t even dare go there.”

“It’s true. I couldn’t have you in my life anymore because it would’ve been too hard. But I never meant to shut you out of theirs. If you wanted to spend time with them, you could’ve.”

“How would that have worked, Gwen?” He asks exasperatedly. “How do I ask you to let me see the kids _without_ being in your life?”

“I don’t know, you could’ve driven up here and taken them somewhere, I would’ve had them ready and come to you. King has a phone now, I could’ve given you his number.”

“ _Christ_.” Blake rubs his face with his hand. “You’re telling me this now? I didn’t even know any of these things were even an option, Gwen. Why wouldn’t you tell me this sooner?”

“I didn’t think you wanted it. I thought you would’ve asked if it was really that important to you. I’m not getting their hopes up only for them to get crushed. They’ve been through too much already.”

“I’m not going back and forth with you on this. I know you know how much I love those kids, how I would go to the ends of the earth for them. For you too. I once said forever and when I make that promise, that means something. Unlike some other people I know.”

“That’s not fair. I did everything I could back then to make things work, to not have this be the ending to our story. As far as the kids go, I already deal with their resentment all the time. You think they’ve been nice to me whenever they miss you? You don’t think I’ve been blamed for your absence? Cause I have. And I take it because that’s what you do when you’re a mom, Blake. You take their shit, you take on their pain and you deal with it. Every single day.”

Her tears are still his kryptonite but she steps away when he tries to reach for her.

“I’m fine.”

He tries again to gently cover her fingers with his on the island, and they touch briefly before he tugs her against him aggressively enough for her to follow. His arms reach all the way around her and her head lays tucked below his chin, against his heart. He can’t believe it’s been a year since he’d held her like this and even with her tears staining his shirt, he can’t get over how great it feels to have this moment.

“I missed you.” He whispers.

The words have left his mouth less than a second before she’s pulling away again, wiping her cheeks.

“I missed you too, but I can’t…. we should go back outside. And Blake, just be careful with them okay? The boys, they might not know it, but they need protection.”

“From me?”

“From _us_.”

“You make it sound like what we had was awful.” He says, the realization adding a new scar to his collection. The coldness that he’s faced with from her today covering him like a cloak he never wanted, bonding to his skin when all he ever wanted was sunshine. “I love you, always will, and you can try to hide that from them now but I don’t think that’s what would benefit the boys.”

“What we had was beautiful but it’s also of the past. I don’t want them holding on to something that isn’t real.”

“If it was so beautiful, why did you tell me to walk away?”

She huffs. “We let things turn sour and both wanted out. I’m pretty sure walking away was easier for you than it was for me.”

The hurt that impales him is like an intricate yet strong web. He’s never been a screamer, but he almost wants to yell in her face and ask her if she even knows him at all, if she knows herself. The red in his shirt once would’ve gone beautifully with the flower pattern on her dress and he would stay close beside her to let the colours flash and mix together. Now all he can see is a blurry grey where was once flourishing red, and frosty swirl of air around him where once was warmth.

He looks at her now, and all he can see is a woman who doesn’t know what her change of heart has cost him.

“If you don’t mind, I would like going back out there and spend some time with the boys. I won’t promise them anything beyond today.” He says lowly. “I’ll even pretend for their sake, like _my_ promises are the ones that can’t be kept.”

Gwen looks rightfully devastated, and he knows from personal experience, that it takes days for him to shred the pain of that sight.

He walks out on her, leaving her alone in the kitchen, magically letting a smile appear back on his face when the boys spot him.

“You’re back!”

“Told y’all.” He smiles, almost insisting on making them a promise he promised Gwen he wouldn’t. “Wanna go upstairs and show me your room now, bud?” He asks Apollo, who’s finally opened his gift and has the animated figure clutched tightly in his hand.

He nods. “Yee-haw!”

“We’ll all go.” Kingston says, nodding and showing the way. He walks out in front of them like Blake probably didn’t memorize how to get to their rooms on his own anymore, and it’s like his heart is delivered one blow after the next.

The deep blue of his walls was sprinkled with various posters, mostly of action figures he didn’t know the names of and cartoons that rung even less of a bell. There lighter blue and white stripes were confined to mostly behind his bed. His heart swells when the comforter is still the same one he had made up plenty of times.

“It’s beautiful. Did you paint that?” Blake asks, pointing at the stripes.

“Yes. White and blue.”

“He didn’t really. Mom had her friend paint it, Pollo only helped pick out the colours.”

The statement causes a full-blown argument to erupt between the kids. Even their loud chatter and impromptu fighting had been strangely missed. The silence of being home alone again in a house that’s too big for a single person had pushed him close to the edge. As much as Gwen thinks he had it easier, he almost didn’t survive with no one to hold on for.

“I think it looks spectacular and I’m sure you’ve been a huge help, buddy.” He says to Apollo in particular, ruffling his hairs. “If I ever need a paint job done at my place, I’ll know who to call.”

He looks over at Kingston and shoots him a desperate glance, one the pre-teen seems to understand.

They walk back downstairs when Kingston’s hand around his wrist stops him from descending the stairs. The young boy waits for his brothers to have rounded the corner before turning his attention back to Blake.

“What you said to Apollo…” He starts carefully. “About how you would call him if you ever needed painting done at the house. How come you never called me, Blake?”

All colour drains from his face, shining brown eyes looking up at him make it hard for him not to cry himself.

“King, I am so sorry for not coming back sooner. I—” He refrains from making another promise, not even realizing earlier that he basically made one to Apollo, despite it being a playful one. Kingston obviously took it serious enough to spark this conversation with him now. “I’ve missed you and your brothers every single day after your mom and I broke up.”

“Then why didn’t you ever call or visit?”

“Because….” _Because your mom and I never talked about it, because I didn’t think your mom would like that, because I was scared, because your mom told me to stay away from her._ “Because I made a mistake. I thought I was doing what was best for everyone, but I should never have stayed away this long. I really need you to believe me when I say I love you and your brothers so much. I always will.”

“Do you still love my mom?”

He smiles sadly at her oldest son. “I will always love your mom too. She knows that.”

“Will you come back now?”

Blake grimaces. “I don’t think so bud.”

“But you still love her.” He challenges him. “Why don’t you wanna be with her? We miss you and you _promised_. You promised you wouldn’t ever leave us.”

He promised.

Gwen promised.

He _hates_ promises.

“It’s complicated, King. I can’t tell you I know what’s gonna happen in the future, all I know is that I love you and your brothers, and your mom. Forever. Just, sometimes love isn’t enough. I miss you guys too.”

Kingston looks down at his shoes, biting his lip. Blake waits him out patiently, knowing the kid well enough to know he’s on the verge of spilling something else.

“It’s not the same without you in the house. It’s weird.”

Blake nods. “I agree, bud. I don’t like it either.”

“I don’t want someone else to take your place, Blake. Is that why you’re here, to convince mom to stop dating her new boyfriend?”

Blake’s heart hammers against his chest, his body feeling like it’s being pulled under water, bricks tied to his ankles. His breath comes out shallow.

“Your mom is dating someone?”

“She says she’s not, but she’s on the phone a lot. Just like she was when you and her started dating.”

His throat tightens when something else clicks. “He’s the friend that helped paint Pollo’s room?”

Kingston nods. “Yeah, he wasn’t around much. He just painted the room and said hi to us. Mom denied it but I could tell they were holding hands before I came in.”

There was so much he wanted to say, but none of it was appropriate. This wasn’t his business any longer and he shouldn’t talk about something he knows absolutely nothing about. Especially not to her child.

“Listen buddy.” Blake starts softly, his hand touching King’s shoulder. “I don’t have any more answers for you, but what I _do_ know, is that your mom loves you very much. This is a hard time for all of us, so make me one promise...”

Another goddamn promise, he thinks he’s going to be sick.

“What?” The boy asks.

“Be nice to your mom. I know you’re angry, but at the end of the day you guys matter the absolute most to her. You know that, right?”

Kingston nods and stands up a bit straighter.

“I know.” He whispers.

“Good.” Blake says, bringing the child in for a hug. “Now will you promise me?”

He never made it a thing to be overly strict with them, not even when they all lived together, but he knew that whenever he did lay down the law, they rarely defied him.

“I promise.” Kingston whispers, returning Blake’s embrace.

“I love you.” Blake speaks against his temple.

“Love you too. And Blake?” He looks up at him with such innocence in his eyes, Blake nearly breaks down and cries. “I’ll give mom a hug for you tonight.”


	3. please don't say goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends, 
> 
> This chapter is perhaps a little slow, but it's important for the sake of the rest of the story.  
> Things are about to get much messier. Expect another update *very* soon ;-) 
> 
> Enjoy.
> 
> \- D.

Blake shifts awake to the buzz of his phone, his neck aching with stiffness as he lifts his head from the cushion. The dim glow of his open laptop sears his eyes before they adjust to his surroundings. He fell asleep on the couch again, the word document glaring back at him. It’s not an uncommon occurrence for him to not go to sleep in his bed anymore, ever since he and Gwen split up. Many nights he prefers the couch, the uncomfortable position something that he just takes in stride, at least he won’t be taunted by the empty side of the bed that belongs to her.

The vibration atop his desk starts up again and Blake grabs for the device swiftly, swipes his thumb across the screen and brings it to his ear.

“Hello?” He croaks out, clearing his throat and sitting upright, using one hand to scrub the grit of sleep from his eyes.

“Blake, it’s King.” The child’s soft voice greets him, sounding way too awake for 12 am on a Tuesday night. “Mom gave me your number. I have a phone now.”

Blake scrapes his hand through his hair, blinking past the last slumber and the surprise of this phone call.

“Is everything alright, King?”

“You don’t want me to call you.”

It’s not a question and the way the younger child’s voice reduces to a subdued whisper breaks his heart. There’s just something about the Stefani-Rossdale household that keeps breaking his heart, even when they don’t always mean to.

“You can always call me, always.” Blake elucidates.

“I know it’s a bit late…” The kid states the obvious while Blake remains quiet. “I didn’t know who else to call.”

A moment of silence on the other line leaves him hanging on the edge of intense worry, enough time for Blake to question if this is all part of some weird dream. It wouldn’t be the first time Gwen or the kids have overtaken his mind while he slept.

“Kingston, you know you can talk to me about anything. It doesn’t matter if I’m still in your mom’s life or not, I will always be there when you need me.”

He hopes the words are enough to shatter the pre-teen’s reservations about revealing whatever it is that’s bothering him. Getting close to Gwen’s children had been one of his most cherished achievements in life. It was another part that he’d locked away before she came around. One that he had the most fun unpacking.

“I think mom is crying.”

Five words are enough for Blake’s heart to pummel out of control. He’s always been bad at seeing her cry, the most primal instincts in him always wanting to protect her from that, even though he quickly found out that it was one of the parts that made her so special. She cries fast, feels deeply and loves even deeper.

“Why is she crying King? What’s going on?” Blake asks the questions, struggling to understand what’s happening.

“She’s been crying a lot lately when she thinks we don’t hear.” The boy speaks. “I think her new…. her new friend said something to upset her again.”

He wonders if King’s refusal to refer to the man as his mother’s boyfriend is something he does out of bitterness he harbours for the man or out of pity for Blake.

“This happens a lot?” He asks.

“They mostly call on the phone, but she always looks sad when they hang up.”

Blake grimaces, unsure of how to thread carefully and be there for King at the same time. This is no longer his business and if Gwen found out he was talking about her new boyfriend behind her back, with her son, he’s pretty sure that’s the end of all contact with any of them.

“King, I know this is hard and you just want to protect your mom but you need to put the phone down and try to get some sleep. If you want I can ask your mom if she’s okay with me taking you somewhere in the weekend, we can hang out, do something fun?”

The kid is quiet again and Blake never knew how petrifying conversations with children could be until he started hanging out with Gwen’s three boys. Their honesty and candid way of speaking was refreshing but also proved to be challenging more than once.

“King?” Blake urges him softly.

“Can’t you just come over right now?”

Blake pinches the bridge of his nose, realizing he could never possibly make the boy on the other end of the line understand how badly he wishes he could.

“I can’t.” Blake reveals on a sigh. “I’m sorry bud, I just don’t think that’s what your mom would want.”

“But she loves you. She always said you made things better when she was sad, can’t you just try?”

“King, I love your mom very much.” He takes a deep breath, wishing he had an answer for him that didn’t feel as weak as this one did. “I know you’re older now and you understand things aren’t the same between her and I anymore. As much as I wish I could take her sadness away, I don’t think I can.”

“She just needs you to try.”

“I’ll call her tomorrow.” Blake relents, pushing the laptop closed on his lap, realizing he’s not gonna finish coming up with setlist ideas tonight. “But I need you to do me a favour right now and try to go to sleep. Do you still use those headphones you showed me the other day?”

“Yeah, they’re brand new and super expensive.”

Blake chuckles. “I bet. Put them on and listen to some music, that’s what I do too when I can’t sleep and need a distraction for a while.”

“Have you done that a lot?” Kingston asks.

“Yeah, all the time.”

“Because of what happened with you and mom?”

Blake swallows roughly. “Yeah, because of that.”

His heart is on the verge of breaking wide open, but he knows he doesn’t have the time or strength to mend the rippled pieces here tonight.

“Okay.” He says softly, barely a whisper. “I’ll do that.”

Blake exhales deeply. “Good. Just for a few minutes and then shut it off and close your eyes.”

Somehow, the paternal instinct had subconsciously weaselled into his character and once he turned it on, it never had lessened. Talking to Kingston now, trying to help him work through his bad night, is surprisingly the most natural thing he’s done ever since he and Gwen broke up.

“Are you really gonna call her?”

“I promise.”

“And you’ll ask about the weekend?” He asks, his voice just a little louder now. “I would like to hang out with you too.”

Blake smiles. “I’ll make sure to ask her.”

“Okay, goodnight Blake.”

“Goodnight, King.”

The line disconnects with a subtle sound, the room suddenly so quiet again it’s hard to wrap his head around.

-x-

He showed up fifteen minutes early. He might’ve planned it just so, but in his heart, he’s justified. He hasn’t seen these kids in so many months, every minute that he can squeeze in now, he’ll take. King isn’t completely ready by the time he arrives, but it gives him some time to see Zuma and Apollo and even Gwen. She doesn’t look at him much and talks even less, but he’s grateful she’s allowing for him to spend time with the kids in the backyard while Kingston changes into different clothes. He still doesn’t understand what was wrong with the ones he was wearing before, but he decided not to push the fourteen year old. If there’s one thing he learned from being around those kids, it’s to pick your battles and fashion choices certainly weren't one of them.

“Zuma, take your brother inside so I can talk to Blake, okay?”

Blake’s disappointed to see her cut his time with them short, but also feels a strange sense of excitement at the prospect of what she wants to talk about. It’s been so long since they’ve had an actual conversation, it feels almost celebratory to have one now.

“I need to talk to you about something.” Gwen says, waiting for them to be alone. She bites her lip and looks uncomfortable, obviously not as glad to be having this conversation as he is.

“About Kingston….” Blake nods.

“He should never have called that night.” She says.

“He told you?”

“This morning, yes. He said he’d heard me crying and he called you. He told me so I wouldn’t get mad at you. He wanted to know it wasn’t your fault.”

Blake sighs. “That kid should _not_ have to worry about any of this.”

Gwen nods, suddenly looking hurt.

“You don’t think I know that?”

“Listen Gwen, I’m not pointing the finger at you. I’m just saying that he deserves better than this. You too, if you’re crying about it late at night.”

“He should have never called you and told you about that. He’s too young to know exactly what’s going on.” She says, eyes shimmering in the afternoon light, a hypnotic shade of hazel captivating him even now.

“Was he wrong?” Blake asks.

“I had a rough night and I feel bad enough that he had to hear that, so please don’t start.”

His brow arches and he watches as her bottom lip succumbs to the bite of her teeth.

He’d locked his heart into a cage after she left, threw away the key to keep it safe, but Kingston’s phone call had made it slip through the iron bars of his ribs and swam up to sit on his sleeve again for Gwen Stefani.

“What’s his name?”

A touch of colour kisses her cheeks, angry streaks of red caressing her skin. She adverts her eyes away from him. “Please, don’t.”

“Are you dating him?”

She huffs in surrender.

“It’s complicated.”

“ _Obviously_.”

“Look, thanks for talking to King last week, he obviously needed someone and I’m glad you were there.” She says quickly, taking a deep breath afterwards. “But you don’t have to come here and try to protect me from something or play the hero. Those days are over, _we_ are over.”

The words evoke a bitter taste in his mouth, but he didn’t come here to fight. Throughout his misery, he remembers the one thing he can’t forget to address.

“After talking to him, I told him I would ask you for a favour.” Blake says, shifting on his feet. “I would like to hang out with him more often, like the old days. I think that could be good for him.”

“We agreed on not making them any promises.” Gwen breathes.

“Gwen, he wanted me to come over last Tuesday.” He says, seeing how the words visibly startle her. “I had to give him something.”

“No, you didn’t.”

Blake sighs. “Are you saying no?”

She shakes her head, raking a hand through her hair.

“I’m already letting you pick him up today. I told you at Zuma’s birthday that you could see them and I mean that. But no coming in afterwards, we need to set boundaries if you’re gonna do this.” She informs him with a narrowed gaze.

“I just want to hang out with him, Gwen. With all of them.” He tosses back, shrugging.

His heart trembles with excitement at the prospect, even when the circumstances are less than fortunate. Gwen had taken so much with her when she left, he was just happy to see some of it come back.

“Okay.”

“Thank you.”

She gives him a weak smile. “It will be good for them. And you.”

He didn’t expect her to say that, but before he can come up with a response, she’s turning on her heel and walking away from him. She still walks with a certain confidence that he’d come to admire so much about her, radiating through her steps, and for a handful of seconds everything was right again.

-x-

Perhaps the thing he likes the most about his place in Oklahoma is the fresh air and healthy soil. It’s nothing like the suffocating feeling he gets while being in LA.

Only today he feels totally different. Kingston is sitting in the passenger’s seat, his eyes on the road. He had taken him to the park after getting them both ice cream, eating it on the bench and watching folk go about their day. Afterwards they took the opportunity to walk among nature, crossing bridges, pausing at nice views to talk and appreciate sceneries. Blake had been able to catch up with the young boy about school, his friends, even his favorite tv-show.

The realization that their day together is coming to an end is what caused them to lapse into silence. The car ride turns a little awkward when Kingston insists on dodging his gaze, even though Blake feels the sidelong glances from the boy every other minute he isn’t watching.

The car comes to a stop and he can already see Gwen standing in the doorway, waiting. He sighs and kills the engine, looking at King and finally demanding some contact.

“Can you look at me?” He asks softly, his voice only meant to softly nudge him.

The kid complies. “Thanks for today.”

Blake smiles. “I know this is weird.”

The kid sighs heavily and nods. “It is.”

“If you want, I can talk to your mom and see if we can hang out some more. Maybe invite your brothers next time, too?”

The idea sparks something in his eyes, the nonchalant attitude from earlier replaced with something that mirrors excitement.

“That would be great.” King says. “Maybe you could come over for dinner again sometime?”

Blake slips his hand on the kid’s shoulder and squeezes lightly. He underestimated perhaps how confusing this whole situation would be on them, and how hanging out with Kingston today gave him the impression they were closer to mending things than they actually were. He just wants to ensure that Kingston knows that between _them_ , absolutely nothing has to be mended. They’re always gonna be solid.

“We’ll just take it day by day, okay?” Blake suggests gently. “You can call me any time, though. I mean it, you and your brothers mean the world to me.”

Kingston smiles gratefully before turning the car door open and jumping out. Blake follows him, just to stand still against the driver’s door, not actually following him up the porch.

It hurts him to know he promised Gwen not to linger behind after dropping him off, every fibre in his being wanting to do the opposite.

His whole life used to be behind that door. He can’t possibly explain how weird it feels to be shut out now.

His heart stutters at the sight of Gwen embracing King in a tight hug while she lets him in. He waves back at Blake, unaware or uninterested in his mom discomfort. Gwen stays behind a few seconds, looking at Blake who’s still leaning against his car door.

There’s so much history in her stare, so much pain. He wants to walk up to her and hug her, tell her that everything that transpired between them can be fixed. He wants to hold her and kiss her and tell her that whoever she’s seeing at the moment could never compare to what they have.

It’s not realistic, he knows that, but he still wants it so bad.

He wishes he could say that because of all the animosity he feels towards her, his feelings had vanished with it. But he made her a promise when he proposed, told her he would never stop loving her, and that was never a lie. He doesn’t want to look back in a few decades and wonder who she ended up with; if the guy that made her cry a few nights ago had managed to get his act together and married her.

As if she could read his thoughts, her face drops and she walks back inside, slamming the door shut behind her.


	4. thinking about you

He’s nervous like he hasn’t been in years.

The younger boy was supposed to be ready and waiting at the end of the Drive, but that wasn’t the case. He had waited nearly fifteen minutes before getting his legs up her patio and knocking on the door. If Gwen, or King, for some reason were gonna cancel on him, he had a right to know it.

Gwen opens the door with a sad smile, her hair wet as if she just had gotten out of the shower. She’s wearing jeans and a revealing tank top that shows so much skin he has to fight to keep his eyes on her face.

“I know we said I wouldn’t come up here…” He starts nervously, hating the way his voice sounds in this moment.

She smiles sadly.

“I know, come in.” He must look surprised because she elaborates quickly. “King is not feeling well. He didn’t want to cancel so he’s trying to get dressed.”

“ _Trying_?” Blake asks, walking into the large hallway and feeling sour at all the memories this place holds and have been in the process of getting replaced.

“He was lying in bed for the last two hours, didn’t get dressed and forgot the time. I tried to wake him but he’s just…” She shakes her head, letting him know he’s truly sick and Blake feels the guilt gnawing at him.

“Can I?” He points to the stairs and Gwen’s nod is a soft one.

He watches her bite her lip as he walks upstairs, his hand running along the wall as if to memorize every inch of it. He never knew it were the simplest things like that which would make him feel the most at home.

He nears Kingston’s bedroom and knocks twice before slowly pushing the door open.

“Can I come in?”

He hears the soft affirmative answer and frowns a little when he finds the kid faced away from him, lying on his bed. He’s got his covers gripped tightly between his fist.

“Hey buddy.” Blake says softly, sitting on the edge of the bed, his hand reaching out for King’s shoulder. “You’re not looking very good there.”

He can tell Kingston tried to get dressed like he told his mother he would, his loose joggers hanging widely around his hips. One of his blonde locks was falling rebelliously in front of his eyes.

“Blake, I’m so sorry.”

Blake’s gut churns, hating how guilt-stricken and upset the boy sounds.

“Hey King, listen to me. I was looking forward to hanging out with you too, but there’s no way that’s gonna happen when you’re feeling sick. I’m not gonna force you to do something you’re just not up for.”

“But I want to.” The boy exclaims. “I don’t know what’s happening, I was fine last night.”

“What are you feeling?” Blake asks worriedly, his hand sliding to the boy’s forehead. “Did you let your mom take your temperature?”

Kingston shakes his head. “She was going to, but then the doorbell rang.”

Blake nods, the two of them sharing a brief moment of silence.

“You need to rest and take it easy, and I’ll come back another time. We’ve got a lot more time to hang out together.”

“I want it now.” The child whispers, and Blake can’t help but smile softly.

“Come on.” He urges him, standing up off the bed and tugging at the covers. He waits until Kingston gets the memo and lets Blake cover him with the blankets, tucking him in.

“Are you leaving?” King asks.

“I’m gonna say hi to your brothers and then I’ll go.” He says honestly, looking down at the child who looks undoubtedly smaller like this.

“Okay.” He says with a nod.

“Are you okay with that?” Blake asks.

He watches as King’s eyes close for a second. They reopen and find his gaze, looking at him in silence.

“I’m really sorry.”

“For getting sick? Hate to break it to ya bud, but I’m afraid that’s all out of your control.”

Kingston chuckles. “Yeah, I guess I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“Now you’re starting to get it.” Blake smiles confidently. “Take it easy, okay? I’ll call you later to check up on you.”

“Thanks, Blake.”

He closes the door softly, walking into Zuma’s room next and spending another few minutes there. Apollo is taking a nap, but that doesn’t stop him from quietly standing in his room as well, still feeling incredibly drawn to his little friend.

By the time he’s back downstairs, Gwen is in the kitchen making tea. He walks in hesitantly, not meaning to overstep but not wanting to leave without saying anything either.

“Kingston is lying in bed.” Blake says softly, leaning against the kitchen counter.

Gwen turns around, pouring the boiling water onto the tea bag and setting it on the counter. Her eyes are glued on him for a while before she speaks.

“I figured that was gonna happen.” She admits. “He really didn’t look too well before you came knocking.”

Blake nods. “He’s looking worse now.”

“Will you wait here for a second while I bring this upstairs to him and take his temperature?”

Blake’s surprised to hear the request coming out of her mouth but nods. He sits down at her kitchen counter, running his fingertips around the edge like he did with her wall earlier. There’s something about being back here that disrupts his peace and reinstalls calmness all at the same time.

His eyes close as he inhales. The scent of what was once _their_ home fills his lungs, bringing back every memory of every touch they shared in here.

It’s impossible not to think about how he’s quite possibly replaced by someone else now, someone who touches her right against the same counter he’s put her on in numerous occasions.

His hand immediately retracts from the surface as if he got burned. He leans back into the kitchen stool, leaning his elbow on the marble. When Gwen finally comes back, he’s sitting in much the same position.

She smiles. “Thanks for waiting.”

“Of course.”

“It’s weird to see you sit here again.” She admits, her cheeks turning lightly pink with the admission.

“It’s weird being here.” He says.

His eyes are locked onto hers, not wanting to miss a single thing.

“I wanted to talk about this weekend. You want to have dinner with them?”

Blake nods, the seemingly awkward phone conversation they’d shared yesterday still ringing through in his ears. He was honestly a bit surprised when she’d agreed to him picking the boys up this weekend to have dinner at his place.

“If Kingston is up for it by then, yeah.”

“And if he’s not?”

Blake shrugs. “That would suck, but I would still very much like to see Zuma and Pollo then.”

Gwen nods. “Okay. It’s hard you know, it’s like we’re bouncing them between _three_ addresses now.”

He groans lowly, fearing the worst.

“Is Gavin making a problem of things?”

Gwen’s eyes widen, her head shaking ferociously.

“Oh no, he’s not.” She says, huffing. “I don’t think my arrangement with you is any of his business to be honest. You’re way past the point of proving yourself with the kids.”

There’s instant relief coursing through him. It’s not as if he’s never felt the wrath of her ex-husband before, but there’s something unsettling about being the recipient of that now he’s no longer officially in Gwen’s life.

He’s never quite felt the competition with their biological father, but it wasn't until Gwen and him broke up, that he realized how little he’s actually entitled to when it comes to the children.

“I just wanted to be sure you were still up for it.” Gwen continues, biting her lip. “You also need to understand that when your request for time with the boys _does_ interfere with Gavin’s schedule, I can’t legally favour you.”

He gets what she’s saying, understands why she needs to say it, but it doesn’t stop the bitter taste from filling his mouth.

“I know.” Blake says, chuckling under his breath. “As if I needed _any_ other reason to despise the guy.”

Gwen responds with a quiet laugh of her own. “Sorry, cowboy.”

He looks up at her instantly, the panicked look in her eyes not reflected in his own. All he can hear, all he can _feel_ , is the instant warmth that spreads through him at the pet name slipping out of her mouth. He knows she didn’t mean to say it, but something about it being so imbedded into her vocabulary she just can’t help it, makes it even better.  
He wants to reach forward and grab her hips, pull her onto his lap, cross every boundary they haven’t even discussed yet.

“It’s been a while since I’ve heard you say that.”

She lets out a shaky breath. “Blake, I’m— “

“Don’t apologize or take it back.” He interrupts her, his eyes burning into hers and a wry smile tugging at his lips. “Not yet.”

“I didn’t mean to say it.” She whispers, and as much as he wants to get upset with her inability to let him have this for a few seconds, he understands why she won’t.

“Do you know how many times I still find myself reminiscing over things that are no longer happening, but still feel so real in my brain?” He asks pointedly, looking at her intensely. “All the goddamn time. You might not have meant to say it, but it’s there. You think about it, still.”

“Of course I still think about you.”

He rises into a standing position, rubbing the back of his neck. “I guess I’ll just wait for you to drop the kids off Saturday. 4’o clock work for you?”

He surprises himself when he cuts their conversation short, but there’s no way he can push it more right now. Not when three curious children are at home. Not when he’s still figuring out the status of her current relationship.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” She whispers, head hung low. “Sorry today didn’t work out as you planned.”

Blake chuckles.

“You and King both apologize way too much for things that don’t need apologizing.” He says.

He wants to say more, especially when he finds her facial expressions softening in such a way he knows he could, but he just focuses on getting the hell out of there.

There’s no way he’s going to give up without a fight, the contact he’s been able to re-establish with her boys being the final push he needed, but he can’t rush her. He needs to take his time and figure out exactly how he lost it all so quickly. Only then can he start working towards bringing back together what was once rightfully his.

-x-

He opens the door and Adam walks in without a word with a plastic wrapped paper bag. He takes off his coat with a smile, hanging it up and moving towards the couch. He drops the food on the coffee table and smirks, lifting his feet up and lounging it right next to the take-out on the table.

“Welcome home, honey.” Blake rolls his eyes, letting the words drip off his tongue sarcastically.

Adam scoffs. “As if you were expecting any other company tonight.”

“Who says I wanted any company?” He croaks, sitting next to his best friend and pulling out the egg roll he knew was gonna be in the bag. He moves the foil over to reveal the chopsticks and stares at him. “You could’ve called.”

“I wanted to surprise you.” Adam shrugs, diving into the bag just like his friend did and sitting back once he got his share.

“That so?” Blake chuckles.

“You know _exactly_ why I’m here.” He says.

Blake rolls his eyes, pretending to be annoyed, but his friend’s inability of beating around the bush is one of the reasons why he loves him so very much.

“I’m guessing you heard…” Blake says with a half-smile, partially upset he couldn’t tell his friend himself.

“So it’s true?”

Blake nods, moving the chopstick towards his mouth.

“Because of her?” Adam pushes, anxiously awaiting an answer.

“Multiple reasons. You know I was flirting with the idea before, it just makes sense now.”

“Makes sense now?” Adam repeats. “No offense, but you and Gwen have been separated for over a year, how does leaving the Voice _now_ , make _any_ sense?”

“This is the way I need things to be.” Blake says softly, a small smile tugging at his lips when he thinks of the children coming here tomorrow for dinner. “I was scared before, afraid to give up a part of my life that had become so familiar to me. I don’t want to live like that anymore.”

Adam looks at him intensely, frowning. “Are you seeing her again?”

“Who, Gwen?”

“Who else would I be talking about, dumbass.”

“I’m not seeing her again.” Blake says, scrunching his nose. “But I want to. I’m starting to hang out with the kids again, which has been great.”

“That’s awesome news.” The celebratory words don’t come out nearly as enthusiastic as he’d hoped though and it takes less than two seconds to figure out why. “She doesn’t even know how much she hurt you when things ended. Are you sure you wanna go back and try to salvage something that ended so…brutally?”

“This isn’t like my divorce, or any other relationship I’ve ever had.” Blake shares, exhaling loudly. “This is…meant to be. I honestly can’t see myself with anyone else, man. I don’t think she can either.”

“What if you’d tried to date again?” Adam asks, frustrated. “You’ve barely done any of that after Gwen. The least you could do is get back on the saddle and see if you truly can’t find happiness with anyone else. You’re not even giving it a chance.”

“I’ve done the meaningless hook-ups, the drunken nights. I’ve been there.”

Adam sighs. “That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about dating; taking girls out to somewhere nice, getting to know them personally, meeting their families...”

Silence falls between them for a few minutes before he chuckles nervously.

“I know what I want.”

“What if it’s not what _she_ wants?”

Blake cocks his head, biting his lip. “Then she’ll have to tell me to my face. Then I want her to look at me and tell me she’s been able to feel even a percentage of what she felt with me with anybody else. If she can do that, I’ll fall back. I have enough dignity to do that.”

Adam shrugs, eating the rest of his lo mein.

“I can’t talk this out of your head, can I?”

Blake shakes his head. “Why do you even want to? You like Gwen.”

“I do like Gwen.” Adam affirms. “But you’ve given her everything, I saw you do it. I can’t sit here and tell you that you doing all that again doesn’t worry me. It wasn’t enough once, what makes you think it’ll be enough now?”

He almost chokes on his next bite at Adam’s words. They hurt, but he doesn’t blame his friend for speaking them. It almost makes him more appreciative of him. There’s sheer honesty and respect there that can’t be taken in any other way than gratitude.

“I go over that period all the time and I never quite seem to figure out why it ended. I don’t understand what happened, and I know she feels the same. She says we got scared and lost sight of things, but it couldn’t have been that simple.”

“You think leaving the show will help?”

Blake looks over at him, smiling sadly. “I am gonna miss it, you know? The show, you.”

“Me too, but that’s not why I asked.”

“I know that’s not why you asked, but I just felt you should know.” He sighs deeply, pondering over his next few words. “I’m not quitting the Voice to get her back. I’m quitting because I want to focus on the things that matter most to me. Which are music, her children, my family. Even if I don’t get her back, I want more time to focus on things that matter. The show is great, it’s given me some of my best years, but that machine won’t be there when you’re lonely, Adam. You need something else, something palpable. You have it, you do the show and come home to a family that loves you. Imagine doing it for so many years and having none of that? Would you stay? Would it be worth it?”

There’s an expression on his friend’s face he hasn’t seen from him often, his hand reaching out to gently squeeze Blake’s shoulder.

“I get it.” Adam sighs. “And I support you no matter what, you know that.”

Blake nods. “I do know that.”

“I don’t want to see you get hurt again but I also know I’ve never seen you as happy as you were while you were with her. Those kids are your whole heart, I can see that too.”

“They are.”

“Go get your family back, then.” Adam smiles supportively, leaning back against the couch.

It was odd how hard that sentence rocked his core, in the best way. He felt the shivers run up his spine, the energy in his chest mounting to something incredibly powerful.

He doesn’t know how or when, but he’s determined to fight for what he wants, now more than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot of you have thoughts on this story. Please share, it keeps me going <3


	5. it's an everlasting rain

_I lie awake at night and all I do is toss and turn_  
_The more I live the more I wonder why I never learn_  
_I try and travel, I’m no good at getting over you_  
_I stare at your empty pillow down until the teardrops fall_  
_I turn my back so I don’t think of you and face the wall_  
_But I see your picture hanging there it breaks my heart in two_

_Your every memory just brings me misery_  
_I’m barely getting by ever since you said goodbye_

_Every day every night, it’s like this lonely rom_  
_It’s an everlasting rain, nothing seems to stop this pain_

He’s not too happy with the way the words came out, but it’s not trash enough for him to throw out right away either. The words are raw on the paper, his handwriting as scattered as he feels. He knows that showing the song to his label would force him into releasing it pronto, the machine behind him had been ready to capitalize of his break-up ever since it happened. Blake knows he’ll never do that, could never feel good about making money off something that’s so incredibly painful and dear to his heart. Gwen doesn’t deserve it. No matter how much he dislikes what she’s done to him, he could never call her out like that publicly. He will probably end up reading his lyrics for a few hours before crumbling it up and burning it in the fireplace.

Blake sighs while clicking on the TV, the voices on the screen cutting through his head like sharp knives. He hadn’t even realized he was having a headache until the noise from the television started pinching and stabbing at his head until his eyes got glassy.

He’s past the point of getting overly drunk and stumbling to the couch in undignified sorrow and he’s both glad and disappointed he never indulged in too many meaningless sexual encounters after Gwen had left him. Sure, there had been a few mornings where he would roll over in bed and wrinkled his nose at the strange and unfamiliar scent of the stranger next to him, reminding him of the exchange of bodily fluids the night before, but he could honestly say those occasions could be counted on one hand.

The truth is, nothing will ever feel the way it did with her. No one will be able to take her place or fill the void that Gwen and her family left.

The day had gotten away from him in between writing and pondering over his –failed—relationships. He had just jumped out of the shower and got dressed properly when the doorbell rang.

The sight of Gwen standing there was a punch in the gut, her beauty nearly cruel now he was so far removed from it, he could do nothing but observe.

He offers her a small, albeit confused smile.

“Gwen? What are you doing here?” He asks, looking around him to see if she brought the kids.

“They’re with Gavin.” She says quickly, looking a bit nervous. “I’m sorry.”

Blake nods, knowing he’s got no right to get upset about the children being with their biological father.

“That’s good.” He replies softly. “Why are you here, Gwen?”

“I wanted to talk to you.”

“You couldn’t pick up the phone and call me?” He flinches at the hurt on her features, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, that came out wrong.”

She holds her hand up. “Don’t apologize, I guess I could’ve called but I figured this was best to discuss in person.”

His brow furrows. “Gwen, you’re scaring me.”

“I don’t mean to.” She says apologetically. “I don’t even know why I’m truly here to be honest, I mean yeah I want to talk to you but I have other people I could come to and you and I haven’t even been speaking and— “

“Gwen, stop.” He interrupts her ramblings, looking her dead in the eye. “I don’t know what’s going on, but you need to spit it out before I go absolutely crazy.”

“It’s been weird for me knowing you’re hanging out with the kids again.” She admits softly, turning her gaze to the ground. “I’ve been thinking about you and I realize that when we broke up…you lost a lot and you’re being so selfless in the way you’re slowly getting back into the boys’ lives. I guess I’m just trying to make sense of a lot of things and it’s making some things incredibly difficult to maintain. I don’t know why I wanted to tell you this, maybe I’m thinking that by saying this to you I can finally start to really let go of some things.”

Blake’s looking at her like she just told him she saw Jesus on her doorstep. Her presence here this afternoon makes very little sense to him and to her too, apparently.

“You’ve always known how much those kids mean to me.” He says.

“I didn’t keep them from you on purpose.”

“You said the break up was easier on me than it was for you.” He says, remembering the conversation they had at Zuma’s birthday, the words that still haunt him at night. “Why would you even think that?”

She swallows roughly, looking up at him.

“I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Do you believe it’s true?”

She sniffs, her finger briefly touching her upper lip. “I don’t know. I think you probably wouldn’t have much difficulty finding someone else. Just look at yourself, Blake. You’re the hottest country artist out there, girls throw themselves at you all the time, you’re literally in your prime right now. You didn’t need me. You didn’t _really_ need me.”

Blake’s mouth hangs agape, his heart stuttering. He didn’t think she could somehow make her statement worse than before, but she managed to.

“You really believe I didn’t need you?” He asks bewilderedly, the words dripping off his lips bitterly. “I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep for _weeks_ after you left. I couldn’t even sleep in my own bed because every time I would be confronted by the empty place you left behind.”

Tears spring to her eyes, and for once, he’s absolutely thrilled about it.

“I don’t want you to be sad over me.” She whispers. “I didn’t hurt you on purpose, you know that.”

He sighs. “I’m gonna be honest with you, Gwen… I didn’t know _much_ after you left.”

“You keep saying I left.” She shakes her head. “That’s not how I remember things. We both checked out at some point.”

“I never checked out. I’ve always been all in when it came to you and the kids.”

Gwen bites her lip, fumbling with the hem of her shirt. “I didn’t come here to fight.”

“I’m not fighting with you.”

“I guess I should go.” She says. “I’m sorry for showing up here like this.”

“You were lonely, it’s fine.”

He knows what the words imply and he’s somewhat impressed when she doesn’t deny it.

“It’s always hard when the kids are gone.”

Blake hums. “What about your new boyfriend?”

She chuckles bitterly, giving him a scolding look.

“He’s not here right now either.” She says.

“Where is he?” Blake asks.

“Home.”

Blake nods. “Could’ve called him.”

“I should’ve.”

“Spent another night crying over him?”

Her head whips up at him quickly, her mouth opening before closing again.

“Screw you.” She whispers, turning around briskly.

Blake pushes himself out of the doorway and walks after her. Her hand reaches out for her car-door when Blake’s hand pushes firmly against it to stop from opening.

“The hell?” She says, turning around and finding her trapped between the closed door and Blake’s body. “What are you doing?”

“You think you’re the only one who’s confused by me getting back into the boys’ lives? I’ve been thinking about it non-stop. I know you don’t want to tell me and I wish I could say I didn’t care to know, but I do. I need you to tell me whatever you’re doing with this guy is serious.”

He watches her breath stutter, her voice quiet and breathy.

“I don’t want to talk about him with you.”

“And if I were a good man I would just take that answer and let you be, but I can’t. After all the shit we’ve been through together, I just can’t walk away without knowing. “

“You _are_ a good man.” She whispers.

“Not anymore.”

Her hand briefly touches his arm, not to push him away but to support.

“Don’t say that.”

He swallows. “Answer me.”

“He’s a good guy but I don’t know if he’s good for me.” She says softly, breaking their gaze again.

“But you’re in a relationship?”

Boundaries. Self-restraint. It’s all up in the air at this point.

“Not really. He’s good at being there for me physically but everytime I try to push for more he…. just kinda shuts down.”

The words physically hurt him, the thought of this strange guy touching her at _all_ making his insides boil.

“He’s never been around the kids aside from when he painted Pollo’s room.” She starts to defend herself, thinking the disgust on his face comes from him thinking she’s exposing the kids to randoms. “I would never introduce them to someone if I don’t believe it’s going anywhere.”

“King seems to think you two are dating.”

“He’s a smart kid and I don’t blame him from thinking that. I guess you could say I’ve been trying— “

“Why?” Blake interrupts her, cocking his head. “Why do you keep trying, Gwen? Why do you want to be with him so badly you can’t just take no for an answer?”

“He doesn’t tell me no.” She challenges.

“He doesn’t tell you yes, either.” Blake pushes, his hand gripping the car tighter.

“If you’re thinking I’m desperate to be with this guy just because I’m lonely, you’re wrong.”

Blake’s hand itches to reach out for her face but he refrains himself.

“Are you sure?”

“Can we stop talking about this now, please?” She asks, tears filling her eyes again. “I came here because I’m struggling with your presence into our lives again and somehow you turned this into an interrogation about who I’m seeing.”

“You said that me coming back in their lives made certain things hard to maintain.” He ignores her request. “What did you mean by that?”

“It means you have more control over me than you think.” She whispers, the words almost sounding like she’s disgusted with them.

A part of him comes alive with victory, but he knows it’s way too soon to celebrate anything. There’s no way he can walk away though, he knows that now more than ever. He wants to fight for her. He just needs to know if her heart is still open to him.

“You ever stop to think that maybe he’s just not good for you?” Blake asks, ignoring the way she visibly starts to become fidgety. “You say we’re bad for each other, but we’re not good for anyone else.”

She huffs, trailing her eyes to his chest and refusing to look back up. “Is that what you figured out after you started hooking up after our break up?”

His eyes sparkle at the slightest detection of jealousy, hidden well underneath a layer of faux-curiosity.

“Who said that’s what I did?”

He whistles lowly in his throat, causing her gaze to move up to his. She looks both upset and entranced by him, a look that he hasn’t seen from her in a while.

“Is it not?” She whispers.

He smiles. “Not much, no. My coping mechanisms were unfortunately more damaging.

“Like?”

“Like a little lime and a _lot_ of tequila.”

Her gaze lingers on him for a few seconds before a small smile starts to tug at the corners of her mouth. She bites her lip and the way the glossy flesh disappears between her teeth makes it hard for him to breathe.

“And that didn’t stop you from ending up in some different beds, at all?”

“Is this you asking cause you really want to know or to convince yourself of another reason why you shouldn’t be with me?” He smirks.

Her smile falls, her eyes not once wavering though.

“I can hardly blame you for something like that.” She says, letting a silence linger.

“Breaking up with you broke me.” He begins quietly. “I made some decisions afterwards that I wish I hadn’t made, but I’m not gonna blame myself for the ways I kept myself alive in those months.”

“I don’t want you to.” She whispers, her hand sliding softly down to his hand, still pushing against her car door. “I’m sorry for hurting you like that, Blake. All I want is for you to be happy.”

“I want that too.” _For you, for me._

“I think that’s the biggest reason why I couldn’t do it anymore.” She whispers. “I just want to see you happy and I couldn’t bare seeing that bubbly personality of yours change because of me. There’s no way I could possibly live with myself knowing I did that. I know you feel like I robbed you from the kids for a year, and I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that. You can still be there for them, and you are. I want you there on the sidelines of their soccer games or their school recitals. I just want you to be there, _happily_.”

“The same way you’re happy now?”

Her stare hurts, but he couldn’t help but ask.

“I don’t know what the right thing is, and I’m searching just as much as you are. But I’m not allowing myself to wallow in sorrow the way I did before, I’m putting myself out there no matter how scary the thought is. If that burns me in the end, at least I tried. You were the one who showed me that the most beautiful things in life are worth the risk.”

He’s never heard words sweeter and worse than these.

“You think whatever you have with what’s-his-name can be as beautiful as what we had?”

She exhales, straightening herself up a bit. “I’m just doing what I can, Blake.”

The words are clear to him, and so are his.

“So am I, Gwen.” He gazes down at her, his heart beating fast and he knows she can see how much he’s struggling internally. He wants to be the respectful guy she’s come to know of him, but there’s so much raw emotion that’s threatening to spill out of him everytime he’s faced with her. “I’m not giving up. I just can’t.”

Her gaze moves towards the ground.

“ _Blake_ …”

“I can’t.”

She looks up again, her eyes a hooded brown.

“I need to get going.” She whispers, the keys in her hands dangling off her fingers. “Remove your hand, please.”

He reaches out for her cheek with his thumb instead, watching her inhale sharply as he rubs there softly. He retracts his finger and replaces his digit with his mouth, kissing her cheek softly. He holds his lips there for a second before letting her go entirely, hand moving off the car door as well.

She looks at him as if he just proposed again, the confusion stunning her into silence. She wipes a quick finger underneath her eyes and before he can see the welling up of her pupils, she’s disappearing into the large car.

She starts the engine and disappears off his property until he’s left with nothing but quietness and the taste of her skin still on his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter to prepare you for the next.


	6. you deserve a heart much bigger

He was only here because he was going crazy inside his home. He’s about to release a new single, following it up with the news of his Voice departure next season. There was no way his life was going to stay the same after all this; the chaos from his break up with Gwen in the media had just died down and he’s about to follow that up with some interesting career choices.

His label had convinced him of releasing the song he’d written earlier as a single. He’s never released a fully self-written song, let alone single. But there was something about the pushing of his label that made him feel recognized in ways he hadn’t before musically. The fact that they believed in this song so much they wanted to back it and promote it as a single, had made him feel credited and seen. The fact that it’s a song about the pain he felt when he parted with Gwen is something that’s hard to think about.

He never imagined ever writing a song like that about her.

But this is why he became an artist in the first place. Music is the way he copes and it’s about time people start to realize why he’s as successful as he is. He’s made a living off of being honest and true to himself; he’s merely using his gift to the fullest extent.

The entrance to the bar he’s at looks a lot like massive fishbowl. He’s feeling dizzy already and hasn’t consumed a single drink yet. The interior looks rather classic, but he can’t get over the unusual shape that makes him feel trapped and confused.

Perhaps it was a LA thing. He’s mostly used to the bars back in Oklahoma, and much like everything else, those were just more up his ally.

He’s twirling the golden liquid in his glass, the ice cubes swirling around in a pool of hazy brown. He smiles while bringing the rim to his lips, swallowing down the spicy alcohol and letting his throat and chest fill with warmth.

“Can I get you anything else?” The youthful looking bartender asks him, her elbows leaning on the bar top. He smiles her way, not oblivious at how she’s trying to spark conversation with him, and he’s in a good enough mood to allow for it.

“No thank you, sweetheart.” He lifts his still half-full glass. “All good.”

She shrugs sweetly, the skin of her lip disappearing between her teeth. “Just let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.”

Maybe it’s the little bit of drink he’s already consumed, but he can almost see the sexual promise in her eyes. Was this a few months back, he might’ve pressed her on it, see where the meaningless encounter could lead him, but it’s not where he’s at anymore.

“Thank you.” He repeats, smiling softly.

She nods and pushes herself away from him, catering to the other guests.

His eye-sight is immediately stuck on a figure walking through the door, her slim physique and divine presence impossible to miss.

He realizes she’s not alone only a few seconds later, the smug looking man standing close behind her as he forces his way into the establishment as well. He’s unsure if she spots him, but the way her smile is directed to a person that’s not him makes him feel like he has just been punched in the stomach.

They make their way to the bar, and her gaze lands on him inevitably. He can see the shock in her eyes, his smile soft and a little sad.

“ _Blake_.” She whispers.

He silently takes a deep breath.

“Good to see you.” He says, his lips pursing into a thin line when her company comes to stand next to her. He doesn’t look fazed at Gwen’s obvious run-in with someone she knows, and Blake wonders if the guy even knows about him at all.

“Steve, this is Blake. Blake, Steve.” She says quickly, obviously wanting the whole thing to be over with quickly. Blake only nods at him once, not very interested in sparking a conversation with the man.

He stiffens when the guy puts a lazy arm around her back, barely noticing the incredible woman he’s got his hands on. He watches them order a drink and tries not to rip the man’s arm off for simply holding on to her.

Her gaze shifts back to Blake, an uncomfortable expression lingering on her face.

“I didn’t know you’d be here.” She says, and something inside Blake absolutely dies at the way Steven seems so okay with his presence, like he couldn’t possibly be any competition to him whatsoever.

“I figured that.”

She swallows visibly. “Sorry.”

“We all need a night out sometimes, right?”

She nods. “I suppose we do.”

“Hey babe, I gotta take this call.” Steven leans into her to speak against her ear, but there was really no use, his voice cut through the bar loudly enough for Blake to hear.

Gwen steps away from him softly and nods, giving Blake the perfect opportunity to take in her frame without being forced to see that man plastered against her.

She’s wearing these perfect jeans that cling to her so tightly he still gets the urge to run his hands down the long expanse of her legs. Her hair is down and he can tell she’s left the extensions at home. As much as he loves her with the long, wavy locks, he will always have a thing for her at her most natural. Her red lips are signature and her many necklaces rest right above her cleavage, the tank top she’s wearing showing the smooth skin of her chest and shoulders.

Devine. There’s just no other word to describe her.

Before he can try and make conversation with her, Steven is back in her personal space, looking as checked out as ever.

“I gotta go, Alan needs me to help him out with something and I’ve brushed him off too many times already.”

Gwen’s eyes widen. “ _Now_?”

“You know he’s just setting up the company, he can really use my marketing skills.”

“Yeah, but it’s 11:30, can’t it wait?”

“Apparently not, Gwen.” He says coldly, and Blake doesn’t like the sound of it. Not at all.

“I’ll come with you.” She says sweetly.

“I can’t stay over.” Steve replies simply. “Not really worth it.”

“I don’t care.”

He touches her face briefly, but not in an affectionate way, more so to express that he can and he will. “Maybe Blake can Uber you home, make sure you get home safe. I’ll see you tomorrow night... we’ll make it worth each other’s while.”

He can see the hurt in her face and Blake hides his face behind his glass, taking a large sip. He’s taking in the tense interaction quietly, watching every minuscule movement happen in her face. She has the most expressive eyes and he can still read them like a book.

“Okay.” She whispers.

Steve presses a lazy kiss to her forehead before getting out of there, in his hurry forgetting to pay his tap. Blake looks at her with a raised brow when she turns around and slaps a few dollar bills on the counter.

“Sex _and_ booze? You’re being generous.”

The sarcastic words cause her to look up at him angrily, her eyes watery.

“What I do is none of your business.”

He nods, taking another sip of his drink. “Since he’s gone, why don’t you sit down here and have an actual decent time.”

His cocky words make her roll her eyes but she doesn’t deny him. She sits down in the stool next to him, her eyes going everywhere but him.

“Nice guy.” Blake says.

“Stop.”

“What was all that about?”

She rolls her eyes and orders herself a white wine.

He stares at her for a few minutes before she starts talking. “He had some business to take care of at his brother’s. He didn’t want me there.”

“And he couldn’t come over later tonight, or the next morning?” Blake pushes for information he deep down already knows, and he would normally feel bad about making her verbalize what undoubtedly embarrasses her, but he’s far past that point tonight.

“He doesn’t like to be there during the day.”

“You’re dating him but he doesn’t like to spend the day with you?”

She groans, sliding the wine glass towards her with her pinky finger. “We’re not dating, I already told you that.”

“You didn’t tell me _all_ he was interested in was sex.”

She looks up at him again, hurt and anger flashing through her pupils. “Again, it’s none of your business. If you can’t stop talking about him, I’ll just leave.”

“What are you doing with him, Gwen?” Blake asks, unable to drop the subject like she asked. Even with the distance that had grown between them over the months, there was undeniable chemistry there that made it hard for him to ignore what he so desperately wanted to address. She looks at him as if she’s about to get up, but she doesn’t. “You don’t think the kids deserve a bit better than this, don’t you think _you_ do?”

“Don’t you dare bring the kids into this.” She hisses. “He’s never around them and they’re with Gavin for the whole week now. What I do when they’re not around, is up to me, no one else.”

“Just help me understand.” He challenges her. “What do you see in him?”

“Why don’t you just let me figure this thing out myself, huh?” She says angrily. “I don’t need you to tell me what to do Blake, why don’t you get that? I don’t mind him not spending the day with me if that’s not what he’s ready for. I can wait, I can put myself second if that means making life a little bit easier on someone else. He might not be the most considerate but he’s trying, in his own way he is.”

“So that’s what you wanted all this time?” Blake nods. “To go back to your old ways, erasing yourself for their pleasure. That’s crazy, I never once got that vibe from you while we were together.”

“Screw you.”

“No, but you’ll screw him.” Blake exclaims bitterly. “He treats you like shit and you’ll just pay his tab and spread your legs like it’s the most normal thing in the world.”

He for once doesn’t care about how the words make her feel. He’s spent their whole relationship trying to put her on a pedestal and he still lost her. Losing her to a guy like Steven is just another kick while he’s down.

“You don’t get to do this.” She whispers harshly, her heated stare making the hairs at the back of his neck stand up. She takes a large sip of her drink and looks back at him. “You have a lot of nerve judging me.”

“I’m not judging you.”

“Yes, you are.” She speaks, standing up and finishing the last of her wine. She takes two steps towards him, standing still in front of him. “You want a medal for not making any mistakes or staying single after we broke up? You won’t get it from me. I don’t need you to pretend like you’re the poster child for being a mighty saint because we both know you’re not. You don’t see me throwing those occasions back in your face, so why do you feel the need to do so with me?”

“Aren’t you throwing them in my face right now?” He smirks bitterly. “Maybe you’ll feel better just saying the damn words, Gwen. Let me have it, get angry, get it out of your system so we can move on.”

She scoffs. “ _We_ aren’t gonna do anything.”

The tinge in his heart doesn’t lessen no matter how many times he hears the words. He pushes even when he knows he shouldn’t.

“I already know you’re scared of me. You’re scared that I’m gonna hurt you like you’ve been hurt in the past by others, I know you had doubts about dating me when you heard about how my first marriage ended and I know fear is what ultimately drove you out the door after I proposed.”

A weight lifts off his shoulders while verbalizing every little thing he knows tormented Gwen’s brain. As much as he thought they’d worked past all that, he’s starting to figure out that perhaps they didn’t.

“You can say all that stuff to me Gwen, because I already know.” He presses. “But I can’t sit here in silence and watch you go back to something that’s unhealthy, just because it’s less scary. I love you too much for that.”

Her eyes widen. “Don’t you understand you can’t say these things to me anymore? You can’t confess your love for me like that and you certainly can’t make these assumptions about what I’m doing with my life.”

“Am I wrong about any of it?” He asks.

“Blake….” She responds exasperatedly. “You don’t understand what it’s like for me.”

His brow raises. “What are you talking about?”

“I’ve spent the last year wracking my brain, trying to figure out what I could have done to make you change your mind, make you stay.” His eyes flutter, her twisted reality making little sense in his mind. “You left my house that morning and every single time I see you now, I’m reminded of everything I couldn’t do to make you stay.”

“Gwen, you kicked _me_ out.” He nearly scoffs, hating himself a little for the wounded sound that leaves his lips. Has she been hurting as badly as he has for the last year? Has she been just as miserable, as torn up inside over this? Because he severely doubts it.

“Because you didn’t want this anymore and I wasn’t gonna stick around just for you to grow the courage to finally dump me one day. You made it very clear you regretted your decision to propose to me. Do you think it was nice for me to have to wake up every single morning and watch my own fiancé regret his choice? It killed me.”

“Gwen, I was in love with you, I found something with you that was worth waiting a lifetime for.” He scrapes a hand through his hair, the frustration from the past year flaring back to live hot and sharp in his chest.

She’s silent for a moment too long, and he refuses to even blink.

“Then why did you leave?”

“Why did I….” He echoes the words but trails off, but the will to be angry and seethe with pain is gone as quickly as it came. “What was my reason to stay?”

He hears her sharp intake of breath, before it comes out in one long shuddering exhale.

“ _Me_. I was there, _I_ should’ve been your reason.” He blinks fast, realizing how bad his question had sounded and unable to come up with a response fast enough. “Everything I thought you wanted was there. I was trying to break down those walls for you, I was trying to be enough. I wanted to be worth wanting.”

His heart cracks with every word.

“Worth wanting?”

“I didn’t know what it was like to be wanted in that way before I met you. I told you I wasn’t used to it, that it scared me, but goddamn it Blake I tried. I tried so hard to let you love me the way you begged me to and it still wasn’t enough. I know I wasn’t perfect, I’m not perfect by any means, but I thought that maybe this time it wouldn’t matter. You’d love me regardless, you would want me no matter what. I wanted to be worth wanting.”

“ _Gwen_ …” He croaks, shaking his head and finding his eyes burning with unshed tears. “I didn’t want to leave, I just thought— “

“You thought it’d be easy but it wasn’t.” She interrupts him. “I gave you an out and you took it without fighting it. That hurt too, you know?”

“I lost everything.” He whispers. “How could you possibly think this is what I wanted? How could you ever think I changed my mind about wanting to marry you?”

Before he knows what’s happening, she’s digging into the contents of her purse again and paying for her drink. She grabs her jacket from the back of the stool and makes a pass for the front door. Blake acts fast, motioning to the bartender that he wants to pay and bolts out of the bar with the same quickness. He doesn’t know how many more opportunities like this he’ll have, and he’s not about to blow this one.

The air outside is cool but not cold and he’s pleased to see no paparazzi had picked up on their outing yet. Gwen is standing nearby on the pavement, looking down at her phone as she’s undoubtedly calling herself a car.

He waits till her phone’s down before moving in on her, his hand gently wrapping around her wrist as he tugs her away from the busy street and closer to the bar. She whispers something in frustration but he can’t make out exactly what. He doesn’t stop tugging her with him until he’s got her back against the wall and his large frame mostly sheltering her from any wondering eyes.

“You’ve lost your entire mind— “

“You’re about to get in a car and ignore me until I get to see the kids again, so let me have this moment right now to tell you something.” He explains pointedly, clear blue eyes looking down at her pools of hazel. “I might not have been perfect, but I know what I gave you was real. Mutual. I never expected more from you than I was willing to give myself and I damn sure never used you the way he does. With that said, I can only show you so much. I’m about done chasing a woman who pretends not to want me. So you gotta be clear with me right now, Gwen. For my sake, the boy’s and your own.”

She crumples slightly under his words, her eyes turning glassy and her mouth half open. “Blake...I can’t, what you’re telling me…”

His hand moves to the wall next to her head, leaning into her space. “It’s easy, really. He doesn’t deserve you. If you’re serious about letting me go for good, at least respect yourself enough to wait for someone who makes you feel half as good about yourself as I did.”

“You’re being incredibly arrogant.” She whispers.

“I’m being real. I want you happy, Gwen. I know I can make you happy still, the reasons for us breaking up…. I don’t understand why I didn’t fight harder for us but I wanna make that up to you now.”

“I can’t do it.” She breaks their gaze, he can see her chest rising and falling rapidly. “I know you don’t think he’s good for me but— “

“I don’t give a damn about him, Gwen.”

“I do.”

“ _Yeah_?” He cocks his head to look at her. “What do you like about him, Gwen?” He asks, running his finger softly down her neck and collarbone. “You like the way he knows you in the bedroom? Does he know what to do to make you come hard and often? Does he get you there at all?”

Her breath stutters. “Blake.”

He can feel her stomach brushing against his body, he's standing that close, and he can smell the alcohol on her breath. He lifts his hand to cup her cheek, watching as her eyes close.

“Does he get down on his knees for you? Force you to take it even when you feel like you can’t handle it any longer? Does he know how to soak your underwear just by doing this…” His hand slides between her legs, slightly pressing against her inner thigh in a way that makes her buck up at him, all sweet and needy. “Does he like to kiss you when you come, catch your perfect moans in his mouth?”

He nips at her neck, turning his head just enough to suck her left earlobe into his mouth. Her eyes open at the sensation and her soft whimper is enough to set him ablaze. No one has ever made his heart pound the way she does. His chest feels tight as his free hand moves to her waist, just touching, _gripping_. Every reaction he gets from her goes straight to his cock, his ability to think straight quickly evaporating.

He wants to kiss her, but he's holding out for the inevitable. Her own passion. He wants her to kiss _him_. He'll wait for that if he has to.

His hand trails over her bottom lip, feeling the plump flesh beneath his fingertips. She gasps weakly and reaches for his shoulders, pushing him away.

Her chest is still heaving and she looks like a woman lost in sensations. She wraps an arm around herself, the other one touching her neck.

“I…. I need to go.” She stutters, her voice rough and edgy. “And you can’t follow me.”

“I won’t.” He replies, squinting. “But I meant what I said when I told you I’d fight for us. Once you’re ready to accept that, you know where to find me.”

He doesn’t wait for a reply, he just walks the other way and lets the night air take a hold of his feelings, walking until he’s got his mind rid of any doubts. He needs Gwen more than the sun needs the sky, but he can’t force a sunrise in the middle of the night.

Things need to change fundamentally for her, before he can make his next move. He likes to think the seed to that has been planted. Now all he can do is wait.


	7. i can't throw your love away

It’s his luck that on one of his last days being on set, he spends it feeling sick as a dog.

What starts as a simple headache quickly transforms into full-body shivers, sore throat and something that feels like a fever. His head feels like it’s being split wide open and despite the many hangovers he’s nursed in the past, this doesn’t feel remotely the same.

He tries to cool down some in his trailer, thankful the taping of the show implements plenty of breaks. Yet the thought of having to sit in that red chair for another couple of hours is seriously draining.

When he does walk back out there, he lets himself basically collapse into the chair, taking deep breathes and forcing his lips to curve up into a small smile whenever the announcer calls the next artist up on the stage. The loud music causes his eyes to close and forehead to wrinkle with deep frowns, trying to block out the intense flashes of pain.

By the end of the day, he’s covered in sweat, his eyes fighting to stay open.

“You okay man?” Adam asks, and his voice is much different from the usual teasing tone they use for each other. He looks him up and down and Blake groans when Adam’s hand reaches for his forehead. “Yeah, don’t even answer me, I can tell that you’re not.”

“I’m fine.” Blake mumbles.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sick.” Adam observes, looking at him with worry in his eyes.

“That’s because I’m always fine.” Blake jokes, not used to the seriousness in which he’s being addressed by him now and not feeling like admitting the basic truth; that he’s getting sick and has absolutely _no one_ to come home to.

Adam scoffs. “You’re an idiot. Please go home and get some sleep. Lord knows you’ve been doing too little self-care these days.”

“Self-care?” Blake wants to laugh but refrains when he sees zero playfulness on his friend’s features. “Adam, I’m _fine_.”

“Just like you were fine that night after last season’s finale?”

“I wasn’t sick back then.” Blake shoots back.

“But you weren’t taking care of yourself.” Adam quips.

“That night was—” Blake cuts himself off, bringing a hand to his forehead when another vicious jab of pain spreads there.

“That was heartbreak, not sickness, I know.” His friend finishes. “But you’re missing my point.”

Blake can honestly see the room spinning and has no desire to relive that horrible night with his friend, no matter how great the intentions.

“I need to get out of here.” Blake mumbles, his face turning sour, his joints starting to ache.

Adam snaps his head up at him, nodding.

“Sorry dude, go get out of here. Want me to drive you?”

He might get frustrated with Adam sometimes, but the genuine friendship is what always brings him back from whatever place they go to every now and then. He smiles softly, shaking his head.

“No, go home to Bee. Tell her I said hi.”

Adam nods. “You know I will. Be careful.”

Blake knows he’ll go home and crash onto his bed, face buried deep in his pillow, trying to shut the world out until he succumbs to slumber. It’s all he feels like doing anyways, his energy slowing draining out of him and his bones rattling. He’s aching for some relief and his big and cozy bed is the only thing on his mind right now.

-x-

He had barely made it to bed, the constant shivering and aches everywhere made it hard to even get up the stairs. He’d crashed onto his mattress without any elegance, sliding under the covers with his clothes still on. He’d managed at kicking off his jeans at some point, but that’s as far as he’d gotten to getting comfortable.

He’s grunting against his pillow when his phone starts ringing and he picks up the device with all the intention of shutting it off. It’s Kingston’s name on his screen-display that effectively ruins that plan.

Unable to deny the children much of anything, he brings the phone to his ear and tries his hardest at sounding alive.

“Hey buddy.”

“Blake.” The kid exclaims excitedly. “You quit the Voice? We saw it on the news.”

Blake had completely forgotten about the statement that came out yesterday. He tries to muster up some energy, feeling slightly taken aback by Kingston’s call. He’s still not used to his life decisions being interesting to Gwen’s kids and it’s in times like these where he’s truly reminded of his presence – _and_ influence—in their lives.

“That’s right, King.” He says softly. “I’ve been doing it for a very long time.”

“Does that mean we’ll never get to visit anymore?” He asks quietly.

Blake squints his eyes, his thumb and index finger pinching at his forehead as it ripples with pain. “Not to visit _me_ maybe, but we can see each other everywhere else.”

“I know, it’s just weird. A lot of things are changing.”

Blake sprawls out on the mattress, kicking at the covers to give himself some relief from the heat, but it doesn’t do much. His heart is simultaneously aching for Kingston, his need to hold on to something familiar striking very close to home.

“Sometimes change is good, you know? It’s what helps us grow and presents us with opportunities we might not have had otherwise.”

There’s a brief silence.

“If you’re happy with it, we are too. It gives you more time to spend with us as well.” Kingston speaks happily, following it up with a frantic and panicked-sounding question. “Wait, does that mean you won’t be in LA anymore?”

Blake chuckles only to end up in a coughing fit, his throat burning.

“Are you sick?” The boy asks, suddenly alarmed.

“I’m okay. It’s just a light fever.”

He’s in no way, shape or form interested in worrying the kid. He just wants to go to sleep and forget this hellish evening.

“Mom made me chicken noodle soup when _I_ got sick.” He says sweetly. “She also brought me a lot of tea, it really helped with my throat too, but I forgot the name….” There’s another silence that follows and Blake can’t help but smile at the loud thinking the boy does. “Uhm, I know it’s something…. _ginger_! She made me ginger tea.”

“Thank you King, that’s really helpful.” Blake smiles, his voice sounding like gravel.

“You sound really sick, Blake.”

“I promise you I’m okay.” He emphasizes, despite the ache that holds his entire body captive. “I just think I’m gonna try and get some sleep. Might not be the coolest thing to go to sleep at 8, but hey, I’m getting properly old.” He chuckles, trying to lighten the mood.

“Okay, we can talk later.” Kingston says. “Goodnight Blake, feel better.”

“Thank you buddy.”

He’s halfway into hanging up the phone, before the young child hurriedly exclaims his one last demand.

“Don’t forget the ginger tea!”

-x-

He wakes up what feels like hours later, his room no longer invaded by daylight. The blankets are nestled around him wildly, and though the covers are largely kicked down, his body is riddled with sweat. He’s burning up and his body is quivering with each breath he takes.

He can’t remember a time he felt this bad, and he for the life of him doesn’t understand why he couldn't have just remained asleep.

It becomes clear when the sound of his doorbell rings and his eyes widen. A loud groan escapes him, unclear of who could possibly be on the other side of that door. He’s long past the evenings where he’d get any visitors here in LA, and Adam knew he was too sick to receive any company.

There’s a fleeting thought that passes his brain, but he dismisses that quickly. Perhaps his fever is making him delirious.

He makes it down the stairs somehow, and he doesn’t even question it any longer when he opens the door. Her presence is what stuns him into deep silence, and his hand rubs across his face. He inhales deeply, blinking his eyes, anything to prove he’s not hallucinating or experiencing one of his common dreams.

“Don’t send me away, please.” Gwen says softly, reaching her hand towards his forehead and flinching at the heat she encounters. “My God.”

“ _Gwen_?”

His voice sounds tiny and weak.

“Let’s get you back into bed.”

He has so many questions he wants to ask her, but none of them come out. He’s following her every command, until he finds himself back in his bedroom.

Unlike last time he climbed into bed, she actually helps taking off his shirt and makes sure he’s comfortable before she pulls the comforter back over his sweaty body. He groans but eventually finds a hint of comfortability in the sheets.

“I’ll come back with a glass of water and some tea. You gotta try and stay hydrated. Have you been throwing up at all?”

He hears her words as if they’re being spoken through a tunnel, but they register vaguely. He shakes his head, closing his eyes.

“No.” He murmurs. “Just a fever. Gwen?”

Again, his question goes unanswered.

“Just rest. I’ll be back.”

He grunts out something he’s not even fully aware of and tries his best to find sleep again.

Absolutely nothing comes easy tonight and sleep seems far off his radar. Gwen comes back a few minutes later with a steaming mug and a tall glass of water. There’s a strip of pills that look like the Tylenol he keeps in his bathroom cabinet.

“Are you still awake?” She whispers.

Blake nods, his throat on fire.

“I’ve got some tea and some water for your medicine.”

“Medicine?”

“Tylenol.” She affirms. “Can you sit up for me?”

He grunts with the effort of pulling his upper half body up against the pillow, his back immediately aching with the harsh wood of the headboard behind it.

Gwen is careful as she sits on the edge of his bed, handing him the glass of water. “I think you’re okay to take two, you’re really hot and you look like you’re in pain.”

Blake nods and doesn’t even flinch when swallowing the pills. He’s so tired and quite frankly out of it, he can’t fight with her reasoning.

She takes the glass from his hands and replaces it with the mug of tea on the nightstand. His hands wrap around it carefully, the heat spreading quickly and the smell momentarily clearing his nostrils.

“What is this?” He asks, surprised.

“Chamomile.” His brow furrows, he’s not a tea person and he’s absolutely sure that doesn’t come from his kitchen. “It’s mine. I brought it. Kingston told me you were sick and that he advised you to drink ginger tea. We didn’t have that at home, but this is actually better. Don’t tell King.”

“The children….” He whispers.

“Are fine.” She says softly. “I asked Todd to come over tonight so I could come here.”

Nothing makes sense to him anymore, the surprise and shock of her presence not helping his drowsy state. “You didn’t have to.”

“King was worried and well, so was I.”

She helps him crawl back under the covers then, tucking him in much like a mother would. He closes his eyes and embraces the dark and fuzziness he’s suddenly embraced in.

“Have you been able to eat anything?” She asks eventually, having migrated to the grey bedroom chair.

“Not hungry.” He murmurs. “What time is it?”

“Ten o’clock.”

There was a silence that felt almost unreal. His fever was seriously messing with his brain and there’s this immense ball of fear in his chest that tells him none of this is happening. Afraid to even look her way, expecting to find the chair empty, he whispers his soft and broken question up at the ceiling.

“Gwen, are you really here?”

He hears shuffling sounds and doesn’t look back down until she’s back on his bed, gently nudging him to scoot over a little. She sits against the headboard, legs outstretched, while beckoning him towards her.

“Lay your head on my lap.” She instructs softly, waiting.

He does as instructed, still wary of it all. He inhales shakily as her arm comes around him, while her other hand softly strokes her nails through his hair. He feels her lightly massage his scalp and he finally finds it within him to relax. “I’m really here, Blake. Just rest. Can you do that for me?”

She reaches over and rubs his temple with her thumb, easing some of the tension out. He complies for a moment, relaxing against her and focusing on taking deep breaths. It’s been years since he’s been sick like this, maybe even decades. His joints feel like they’re on fire, much like his throat and head. There’s not much that _doesn’t_ hurt, and the only relief he’s currently getting is from Gwen’s soft touch.

It doesn’t take too long for thoughts and questions to taunt his frontal lobe again. Why is she here? Why does she even care?

She must still care about him a whole deal if she called her brother to stay with the kids, all so she could lay with him and feed him chamomile tea. The realization makes his chest tighten with emotion and he’s inevitably speaking up again.

“I told Kingston I was fine.” Blake says hoarsely, his eyes still closed.

“Obviously you lied.”

“I didn’t want him to worry.”

Gwen’s fingers still against his head. “You need to understand people worry when loved ones get sick or hurt. You don’t have to play pretend and be the tough one all the time.”

“Why are _you_ here?”

“Because I didn’t like the thought of you being here all alone while Kingston said you sounded like you were really in pain.” She says, looking down at him. “That just wasn’t sitting right with me.”

“I thought you were angry with me.” Blake replies, nuzzling his face deeper into her lap and feeling too sick to care about the submissive and intimate move.

He hears her sigh. “I wasn’t angry, I’m just… _confused_. All of this confuses me, Blake. But I don’t think we should talk about this now. I want you to rest.”

“I want to talk about this.” He challenges, mustering up all the strength he can find.

“I’m here because I know how you get, you feel like you need to take care of everyone and forget about yourself. I knew you’d hide away in this big ass house and tell no one how badly you were really feeling.” She starts moving her fingers against his scalp again, lightly massaging. “I’m not gonna let you do that, not when I’m aware of what’s going on at least. I still care about you, Blake. That’s never going to go away.”

“Does Steven know you’re here?”

“Even when you’re out of your mind with fever you’re still gonna ask me these dumb and possessive questions.” She quips annoyed, sliding her fingers over his eyelids. “Close them.”

“Does he?” Blake closes his eyes at her demand, but continues to push for answers.

“You’re serious?”

“Yes.” Blake grumbles.

“No he doesn't.” She’s tightening her arm around his back and he can’t help but adjust his position, his hand laying limply on her thigh. “Now go to sleep.”

-x-

Sunlight had been streaming through the window when he’d woken up. He lifted his head to find out he was using Gwen as his personal pillow, and she’d managed to fall asleep just like that. His brain is still foggy with sleep as he wanders downstairs, feeling less dead than last night, but still obviously affected.

Blake sits down at one of the island stools, attempting at his first meal of the day—natural crackers with orange juice.

He feels at his forehead, noticing it’s cooler than it had been the last twelve hours. The ache in his joints unfortunately hadn’t lessened and he was pretty convinced he’d be bedridden for at least another day because of it.

“There you are.” Her sweet voice comes from the kitchen entrance. It has been so long since he’s heard her hoarse morning voice, his whole body stirs at the sound.

“You found me.” He murmurs, giving her a weak smile. “Sorry for falling asleep on you like that. You must be sore.”

She shakes her head, leaning against the kitchen counter opposite of him. “I’m fine, I’m just glad you were able to find some sleep. How are you feeling?”

“I think the worst is over.”

“That’s good.” Gwen nods, biting her lip. “You should really take it easy for a few more days, Blake. Don’t go back to normal just yet, take some time to truly take care of yourself.”

Blake smiles.

“And here I was thinking you stopped caring about me.” He jokes.

“I’ve told you a million times that wasn’t true.”

“You’ve told me a lot of things.” Blake whispers.

“And I meant every single one of them.”

Blake shudders out a tired breath, unsure if he wants to fight her on it or accept the peace offering her tone suggests. He’s surprised to see the decision being made for him as she pushes herself away from the counter and walks towards him.

“Do you wanna go take a shower?” She asks. “You were sweating pretty badly last night.”

Blake nods, eating the last of his cracker and wincing at the sticky feeling of his sleep attire. “This is one of the times I wish I would’ve had a bath – or fitted in one.”

Gwen helps him up, walking upstairs with him.

“You should get one. It’s not like you don’t have the money, or the space.”

“I feel like you didn’t hear the second part of my statement.” He teases slowly.

“No, I heard it.” She says. “I just don’t engage in your self-depreciation anymore.”

“Ouch.”

Gwen steps into the bathroom and gets the water running, the sight of her in here again catching him off guard for a second. It’s been twelve hours and she’s already been in his bedroom, kitchen and now bathroom. It’s as if an old home video is playing, showing footage of memories they’ve made, remembering a life that no longer exists.

“Are you gonna be okay in there?” She asks softly, turning around. “Are you still feeling nauseous?”

“ _What_ , are you gonna join me if I said yes?” He smirks.

“Please be serious.”

“I’m fine.” He concedes, reaching for his shoulder and softly kneading it. “It’s just my joints that are killin’ me.”

“A shower might help with that a little.” She says, walking out of the bathroom to give him a bit of privacy. “I’ll get you some clean sweats to wear when you’re done.” She shouts from his bedroom.

He knows his shower will be quick, because as much as he’s confused and nervous as hell, he doesn’t want to miss a single minute of her presence back in his house. _Theirs_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do we still like this?


	8. my love for you is endless

He walks back into the living room, his hair still wet from his shower, his fresh clothes feeling cold against his skin.

She’s sitting on his couch with her pulled-to-the-chest knees, and though he can’t visibly see her face, he can tell she’s distraught.

He walks towards the back of the couch, dropping his left hand onto her head softly. He runs his fingers through her blonde hair slowly and smiles while remembering the frantic phone call he got from her once, back when her stylist made a singular mistake.

Her head lifts at the feeling of his fingers raking through her strands.

“How are you feeling?” She asks hoarsely, eyes filled with worry.

“Better.” He lies, though the shower did help to make him feel a little bit more human.

“You want to lie down?”

He shakes his head. “I’m good. Thanks.”

“ _Blake_ ….”

His heart breaks a little more at her voice, the sound painfully raw and fearful. His fingers work deeper against her scalp, knowing the motion calms her.

“Will you stay?”

He tries to smile at her as she looks up at him, her gorgeous face riddled with worry that he knows he put there.

“Sit down for a second.” She whispers, reaching out for his hand and leading him to the front of the couch. He plops down beside her, not too closely.

“Don’t leave yet.” He says, his voice soft but his plea loud and clear.

“The kids— “

“—Are with Todd.” He interrupts. “You don’t think he can stay there for one more day?” He holds her gaze, watching her eyes close. “One more night, that’s all I ask of you.”

“Why?” She sniffles.

Still always in tune with her, his right hand moves towards her cheek while using two of his fingers to wipe away fresh tears. She used to be embarrassed about her tendency to cry quickly and wear her heart on her sleeve, but she appears too far gone to even care about that right now.

“Because it’s been too long and I can’t show you how much I missed you in just a couple hours. I know you’re still scared and there are other people you feel like you have to think about, but all I ask from you is _one_ day. If you still don’t want to stay after that, I’ll personally escort you out.”

He drops his hand away from her face and slides it to her back, pressing in on the curve of her spine.

“You’re still sick.” She offers weakly.

“Technically, yeah.” He replies. “But Gwen, I’ve been feeling sick ever since you left. That might not be the coolest thing I could ever tell you, but it’s the God’s honest truth. I need you to realize nothing has been the same for me either, nothing has been right.”

“We’re driving each other crazy.” She whispers, her head bowed down.

Everything about her right now is so different from the fierce Gwen he’s come to know; she seems broken down, defeated. It’s a sight he wasn’t prepared for, couldn’t ever be.

“We don’t have to.” He offers gently, shifting a little and pulling her body towards him. He twists her, gives her hair a light tug to raise her head. Her head is now laying against his shoulder, one of her arms going tentatively across his stomach.

He hears her quietly chuckle a dream-like sound. “I wish we could just erase everything that has happened.”

Her sniffling has stopped by now, but Blake’s heart is beating even faster than it was before. It’s the closest he’s ever come to an admission from her, his hand stilling on her back.

“We might not be able to erase what happened in the past, Gwen, but we can move on from it. The truth is that I love you more than I could ever love another human being, and I know it’s the same for you. You can try to run from that or you can just accept that you don’t belong anywhere else. You belong here, Gwen. With me. _Right here_.”

Her breath hitches, her fingers clutching at his chest, the fabric of his shirt crumbling with the effort. “Can you answer me one question?”

Blake nods. “Anything.”

“Did you resent me for not being able to give you any children of your own?”

The words feel like they rip at the skin of his chest, piercing all the way through his heart. For a moment he forgets how to breathe, his eyes widening.

“Gwen, why would you even ask me that?”

“You’re a great dad, Blake. I can see that from the way you embraced those three boys like your own, but I know that was a dream of yours to have one day. We didn’t meet somewhere in our twenties; it just wasn’t realistic to think it would happen for us. I know you gave that dream up to be with me. Maybe you weren’t aware of how much that would bother you in the end.”

“That has _never_ been an issue for me.” He breathes. “I love you. I love being with you. Sure, I wish we’d met sooner, I wish certain things happened differently, but they didn’t and I accepted that. I accepted that because my reality was so damn good already, there was no reason for me to get stuck up on the _one_ dream that didn’t happen. Besides, in a weird, but incredibly amazing way, it _did_.”

“You were so angry with me all the time. It’s like you couldn’t see how much I loved you and you just wanted to go. I wanted to set you free Blake, because…. because I never did that. I always held on too tight, fought too long, and it wears people out. It makes them bitter. I couldn’t go down that road again. I still can’t.”

“That doesn’t work for me.” Blake shakes his head determinedly, keeping his voice mild. “I’m sorry Gwen, but that just doesn’t. I love you, I don’t want to set you free.”

“Isn’t that supposed to be what you do for the person you love? You set them free?”

He realizes now where it went wrong. It was never about what they wanted, it was about what they _didn’t_ want. Without a warning, he pulls her up onto his lap, her legs straddling him and his right hand hooking around the back of her neck.

He can see her chest rising and falling with the sudden intensity, but he keeps his gaze on her firm and sweet.

“I was angry because I thought I was losing you.” He whispers. “I was angry because I proposed for the third time and I truly felt like this was gonna be it. You were it for me, Gwen. You still are. Something about us starting to unravel right after you accepted that ring…stung. It triggered some old insecurities, some fears that I thought I’d gotten rid of but hadn’t. Eventually, I think that’s what contributed to me not fighting hard enough when you told me to leave. I was paralyzed by fear, by something that had showed its face twice before and meant the end of my relationship, my marriage. But I can’t let this one go, I can’t make peace with losing you because I don’t think I’m meant to. I want to wake up with you every morning, I want to be there when you’re sad, I want to experience your happiness with you when you feel it. Don’t ask me to set you free Gwen, be free _with_ me.”

She stares into his eyes, knowing what he’s offering, and he can see the fight it starts within her. That everlasting fight she’s always been crap at winning; choosing herself.

He watches her figure it out, until she does.

She kisses him fiercely, the force knocking him back against the couch enough for the whole thing to move. Her hands pull at his shirt, her moans and breaths frantic and muffled against his mouth.

It’s a blur then, as layers of clothing fly off and scatter in all directions, hands ripping and pulling at exposed skin and their teeth clicking together because through it all, they never once break the desperate kiss.

When he pushes forward, flattening her down on the couch, the mood shifts. It’s not frenzied chaos anymore and it’s exactly what they both need. His kiss slows and deepens, trailing his fingers lightly along the curves of her body as he takes much needed breaths. He feels her tremble as he grazes over her more ticklish spots and he curls a large hand around her waist to still her.

Her hands slip through his short hair as he drops soft, light kisses to every inch of her chin, neck and chest. Trailing them down to her stomach.

The low moan of his name that was building in her throat escapes her mouth and he grins. Her back arches when she realizes where he’s heading and Blake feels the pressure in his own chest mounting.

He watches as her eyes close as he reaches her core, her scent filling his lungs and he knows she hears the almost animalistic growl it pulls from him. He needs this almost as much as she does. Slowly, he slips one of his hand from her hip to her thigh, and nudges her legs open just a bit wider. The fingers of his other hand press into her skin as he elongates his gaze, staring into her eyes as he darts out his tongue.

“God.” She whimpers as her back arches again, nails digging into his scalp.

He moves his tongue, watching her lower herself back down, waiting for her eyes to find his again. When they do, he smirks and licks in long deep strokes. He moans when she starts rolling her hips, grinding against his working mouth.

“ _Blake_ …” She moans, but he doesn’t let up. Instead he inches his hand closer to her slit and slips two fingers under his chin to spread her for him. His tongue touches her clit and she cries on an inhale. “Oh my god.”

“You taste so damn good, baby. I missed this so much.” He says the words in between licks, her hips rising and falling in time with his strokes. She sounds closer to euphoria with every straining breath she takes.

He feels her thighs close around his head, her hot skin against his ears. He bends one of his thick fingers and twists his wrist, slowly pushing into her while he flicks more eagerly at her clit. She’s stubborn tonight, and he knows why.

“Stop thinking Gwen.” He urges her lowly. “It’s just us. Nothing else matters.”

_No one else is what goes unsaid._

She bucks up at him again, her body incapable of producing any other sounds than her breathy moans and whimpers. “Ungh.”

“You missed this too, I know you did. You need this. I can tell you do, wanna know how?”

She mouths yes but shakes her head no. He gives it to her anyway.

“Because you don’t get this wet for anyone. And I know that look in your eyes, Gwen. You wanna come so bad." He holds her steady and quickens his pace. "Go ahead and come for me baby.”

Her breath comes in short, ragged rasps. Her eyes close and her head drops back. Everything she’s been holding back for months erupts when she screams his name.

Moaning, he laps her up, slips another finger into her and works his tongue in perfect patters. He knows how to bring her over the edge but not let her fall completely. He smirks against her sensitive skin when her thighs clench around him again and he knows he’s got her right where he wants her, where he _needs_ her. He flicks his fingers faster, wraps his lip around her swollen bundle of nerves and sucks at the exact same rhythm as his pulse.

Tears spring to her eyes, her body starting to vibrate and tremble excessively.

“Blake, oh fuck, please.” She squalls, caught between a cry and a throaty growl.

He knows, without her saying it, that she hasn’t felt this ever since he left.

He feels her clamp down on his fingers and he licks and devours everything she gives him. Slowly he feels her relent and relax. Her thighs fall away from around him, her hands lazily holding the back of his head. He pulls his fingers out of her and sucks them clean while crawling up her still quivering body.

He nudges her nose with his and grins. “I think that just cured my sickness.”

A soft grunt ekes out as her weak and limp arm flops lazily around his neck.

With a grunt, he scoops her up and flips them over, laying back on the couch with her sprawled out on top of him.

He kisses her again, slow and deep.

“Breathe.” He reminds her, as he can feel her chest becoming too still and stoic. “I’m right here baby, just breathe.”

Nodding, she inhales and lets her lungs fill with him. It soothes them even though he can tell she’s still feeling the guilt of what just happened choking her up.

“I need to call things off with him.” She whispers, her naked body on top of him feeling like the only blanket he’ll ever need.

Blake closes his eyes, afraid to say anything that might ruin this perfect moment.

“I’m not that kind of person, you know that.” She adds, the words being spoken against his bare chest. Her finger subconsciously rubbing circles around his nipple.

“I thought you said you weren’t dating Steven.”

“I’m not.” She breathes. “But I’m not the kind of girl to do _this_ with multiple people, I just…I don’t want to continue having sex with someone if they can’t see a future with me.”

Blake fills his lungs with enough air to ask his next question.

“If he _did_ see a future with you, would you still want it?”

A moment of silence passes between them and his eyes narrow.

“No.” Comes her soft and breathy reply. “I might’ve given you a different answer a few days ago, though.”

“What changed?” He has to ask, even when the answer is quite obvious.

“I came here cause I wanted to take care of you while you were sick, I didn’t come here for anything else.” She says, wanting to establish that first and foremost. Blake just nods. “I knew I still cared about you obviously, but hearing Kingston say he was really worried about the way you sounded over the phone just broke something inside me. I couldn’t just let you be alone while I knew you were going through something. I still have this thing inside me that pulls me to you and I know I shouldn’t have that if I’m serious about starting something with someone else. And when you said those things to me a few minutes ago on the couch, I couldn’t fight it anymore.”

Blake exhales finally. “What does this mean?”

“Nothing yet.” She says firmly, looking up at him with gentle eyes that juxtaposition her words. “I can’t jump back into this like nothing has happened. If you’re serious about fixing things…. you need to be patient.”

“You know I’d wait a whole lifetime for you.”

She bites her lip. “We need to figure some stuff out before we could even think about getting back together. We can’t do this to each other again, we can’t put the boys through it either. We need to be sure.”

“I _am_ sure.” Blake challenges, pressing her tighter to his chest. “Why aren’t you?”

“Because I was sure the last time and that didn’t end so well for us.”

She turns her eyes away from him and closes them, and he lets out a deep sigh.

“I can’t tell you what to do or how to feel, but I can tell you how _I_ feel. I will keep doing that, Gwen. I will keep showing you until you realize that this is worth giving another chance. It’s not fair to either one of us to let this go.”

Her eyes open and drops from his face to his mouth. “If I truly gave up on us I wouldn’t even be here right now.”

He smirks. “Does that mean you’ll stay another night?”

“Do you have food in the house?”

“Crackers.” He smiles. “And soup.”

She shakes her head. “I guess you just left me with no other choice but to stay; somebody’s gotta make sure you eat something with substance.”

His lips had curled into a grin when she started talking but he quickly drops his smile to shake his head. “Darling, you don’t have to do that. I don’t even think I can eat much anyway, we could just order something for you _or_ — “

“Me staying means I get to take care of you some more, because don’t even try to fool me, you’re still sick.”

“Much better now though.” He quips.

“Playing cowboy Casanova won’t stop your fever from returning tonight.”

He rolls his eyes. “I’m telling you, I think it was just a weird bug that only lasted a day. I honestly feel much better now.”

“That’s good, let’s hope you’re right.” She says simply, but he can tell she’s made her mind up already. “Just in case though, I want you to take it easy now and rest a bit. And feed you, I definitely want to feed you tonight.”

He laughs.

“I know you well enough to know there’s no talking you out of anything once your mind is made up.”

She shrugs. “That’s not a bad thing, is it?”

His teeth drag over his lip.

“No, darling. No, it isn’t.”


	9. angel in disguise

Gwen had disappeared for a small hour before dinner time and came back with a bag of groceries. She turned out to be right and his energy did pummel back to zero while all he did for the rest of the day was lay on the couch, covered with the quilt she’d gotten from the guest room.

She had ended up making him some soup and forced fed him some mixture of green vegetables she’d cooked up. It was the most he’d eaten in twenty-four hours and helped temporarily in satisfying his stomach.

They migrated back upstairs around eight in the evening and Gwen had insisted on getting him ginger tea with extra honey. He’s quite sure he’s got more healthy food supplies in his house right now than he’s had in years, and something about his kitchen cabinets looking exactly the way they would if Gwen still lived here makes him incredibly excited.

He was now finally resting his head on his pillow, Gwen still sitting up straight with her back against the headboard. She’d opted for her reading glasses while flipping through one of the magazines she’d brought from the store.

“What are you reading?” He asks.

“House and Home. Look, don’t you think this is super adorable?”

She flattens out the page and brings it closer to his face, causing him to chuckle.

“ _Yeah_ , if your name is Bernadette and you live in Beverly Hills with a gold fish named Jelly.”

She blinks at him and lowers her magazine to her lap, mouth slightly agape.

“I had a gold fish when I was younger.”

He smiles wickedly. 

“Don’t tell me you called him Jelly.”

“ _Fluffy_.”

Blake rubs a hand over his face while his body shakes with quiet laughter. He groans when the movement causes him to feel the remaining ache in his body.

“That’s what you get for laughing at me.” She jokes, biting her lip.

“I’m just… _intrigued_.” He smiles. “It’s very much like you though, I obviously like that.”

Gwen shrugs. “The kids wanted a goldfish too at one point, but when I offered that we could get one on the condition I’d name it, they changed their minds.”

Blake scoffs. “Typical. Did you have a name in mind?”

“Goofy.”

“Those kids did the world a favour by letting go of that dream of theirs. No fish shall ever be named Goofy. They knew this.”

Gwen snorts. “You’re just as bad as they are.”

“I doubt it. I think you just have a very eccentric taste when it comes to names.”

“We are always taught to think outside the box, why shouldn’t that be the case when thinking of names?”

Blake shakes his head, staring at ceiling with the biggest smile on his face.

“Even when you’re telling me about the horrendous names you’d come up with for your pets, I just get overwhelmed by how much I love you.”

Silence falls again, the sound of her magazine hitting the nightstand on her side filling his ears.

“You keep saying these things….” She whispers.

“Because they’re true.”

She breathes heavily. 

“I know but….I guess I just don’t know how to react to it right now.”

“I’m sorry.”

She looks at him sympathetically, shaking her head and then changing the subject. “How are you feeling?”

“Actually not that bad right now.”

“Are you tired?”

“Not at all.”

She pouts her lips. “Maybe it’d be good for you to get some rest anyway.”

“I have a better idea.” He speaks up, siting up straighter and looking at her intensely. “Why don’t we go downstairs and watch a movie or something? I’m not ready to go to sleep and watch you leave again tomorrow.”

“Blake, last night you were literally fever ridden and this afternoon you were drained as well. You shouldn’t overdo it cause you feel fine right now.”

“I’m not overdoing it.” He challenges her stubbornly. “I just want to sit on the couch with you pressed against me and watch a movie. I know if I stay in here and watch TV I’m gonna fall asleep and I don’t want that.”

Perhaps if he hadn’t been coming off a fever and had more dignity left in his body, he would’ve thought twice about making such a desperate and honest plea.

“Are you sure you’re up for that?”

He nods. “More than sure.”

She bites her lip and relents. “One movie. After that, you’re going to bed.”

He smirks.

“Yes, mom.”

-x-

She ended up being the one to fall asleep.

Her head is pressed against his shoulder, while the movie credits fill the screen and he chuckles. Her soft breaths make his heart fill with joy and he carefully slips out of her hold and lowers her onto the couch.

Hit with a sudden idea, he left the living room to set it up. He hadn’t been lying when he said the thought of her leaving tomorrow was a horrible one and there was just something he wanted to do with her before that dreaded moment comes.

It takes him several minutes to do what he needs to do and once he makes his way back into the living room, Gwen is no longer sleeping on the couch.

He’s about to walk up the stairs when he catches her slim figure staring out of the large, full body window. She’s looking out over his property, the largely cemented space always reminding him of the fact that he’s not home.

“Everything okay?” He asks, and as soon as she turns away from the window his arms come around her. 

He kisses her forehead while her eyes close.

It’s a move that’s way too intimate but she doesn’t push him off, doesn’t even hesitate to accept it. He knows he’s playing with fire, but he can’t hold this off any longer.

She nods against his lips. “I was just…”

“Thinking too loudly.” He tells her and he smiles while he loops his fingers around her wrist.

“Come with me for a minute.”

He speaks the demand softly, but makes it no secret that it’s not a request. He pulls her backwards, into the kitchen.

Though she’s been here for the last twenty four hours, it’s like she’s memorizing each step she takes. He lets her. 

He watches as she feels the cold tile under her feet, the way her eyes roam and take in the industrial wallpaper, the light oak cabinets and marble countertop.

“Where are we going?” She asks.

“You’ll see.” He chuckles, holding her hand tighter as he pushes the back door open.

“It’s almost midnight.” She bemoans. “And freezing. What are you…” Her words stop coming when she sees what he’s done. 

The fire pit it lit, there’s a small radio on the deck and he knows she’ll recognize the song by the first note. She looks at him in nothing but his slacks and t-shirt, glowing in the firelight.

He smirks and pulls her close. “Dance with me.”

She looks as if the request came totally out of the blue, and it probably did. Her eyes widen and her body stutters for a moment. He holds his hand out for her to take and his heart hammers while she debates his offer. Her eyes glimmer in the darkness of the night and she looks like poetry in motion.

She takes his hand nervously, biting her lip hard.

He wraps one arm around her back, slipping it under her grey tanktop and rests his head against hers. The moment she gives in and starts swaying with him, he hums along to the song right against her ear.

“ _I wasn’t ready for love when I looked in your eyes. You took me by surprise. You weren’t supposed to say that you loved me.”_

“Is that….?”

He smiles while continuing to sway her gently.

“It is.” He hums.

_Almost made it too easy for me to believe_  
_That love could happen to me_

The dreamy words fly into the air around them and he can feel her suck in a breath. 

“Hearing this song for the first time was one of the most beautiful days of my life.”

“I knew you wouldn’t forget.”

Her eyes widen. “Of course I wouldn’t forget. This song was playing when you proposed, I could never ever forget it.”

He holds her tighter against him, willing every thought of tomorrow out of his mind. This moment is his, and nothing that will happen in the next twelve hours can change that.

She nuzzles against him and whispers. “We could have done this inside.”

“Takes a lot more time to light the fireplace in there.” He says with a small laugh. “We needed a fireplace for this.”

Her head tilts and he pulls back just a little, the look he’s giving her meant to make every hair on her body stand on end, the same way every nerve in his starts to vibrate whenever she looks at him.

“For what?”

He brings her left hand to his lips and kisses her knuckles. He hears her small gasp but ignores it, knowing that this level of intimacy is what she could never get from anyone else. This has always been theirs.

“To lay you down.” He whispers to her, watching her eyes flicker.

He moves to brush his lips over hers gently, tenderly. The song still rings around the air, surrounding them like a memory.

“Outside?”

“On that chair, to be specific.” He nods towards the lounge chair in the back, only a few steps behind her.

Her breath hitches, her lips so close to his he can feel the words before he hears them.

“Why are you doing this?”

He laughs quietly, kissing her nose and then her lips. “Because I promised you I would always be straight with you. This is the most straightforward I can be, Gwen. I want you, I always do, and I’m not gonna stand by and watch you let go of us.”

She gazes up at him, stunned.

He times it to perfection, walking her back until her knees hit the chair behind her. He doesn’t give her enough time to sit down, but instead makes sure he’s sitting first so he can pull her onto his lap. His arms wrap around her back, pulling her in close.

“ _Blake_.”

He shushes her by moving his hand up her chest, his fingers wrapping around the crucifix pendant, watching it sparkle in the light of the flames.

“I don’t know where I end and you begin. We think the same, we have the same sense of humour, I know what you’re gonna do before you do it and you’re the same way with me.” He blinks. “And for the life of me I don’t understand why you walked away from that, but I also don’t understand why I didn’t fight harder to stop you. I don’t blame you, Gwen. But I’m fighting now for what I believe is right. You’re still mine, just like I’ll always be yours.”

Her kiss tastes like home and his hand immediately skim up her back to deepen it. 

She pushes him down and follows him every inch, groaning into his mouth. He’s about to protest when she sits back up and breaks their kiss, but his words die on his tongue when she pulls her top over her head and quickly throws it behind her.

“ _Fuck_.” He hisses, and it’s unintentional, his subconscious reaction to her perfect body coming into view like that. Her muscular stomach never fails to turn him on, especially knowing how soft she is everywhere. He slides his hand up her stomach, cupping a feel while simultaneously moving her towards him. She defies him by sitting up, not letting him pull her down and he waits as she hikes herself up and gets rid of her shorts. He kicks off his sweats and makes sure she doesn’t stray too far when she rises up to let him pull them off completely. When clothes are no longer an issue, he crooks a finger at her and grins wickedly.

She gives him a sly smile of her own before settling over him.

The fire is cracking beside them, the moon bright above them, but all he can see is Gwen. His tunnel vision is solely focused on her body, her movements. It’s like no time has passed at all and like a lifetime has gone by since he last had her like this.

She takes her time sinking onto him, her eyes fluttering shut as she moans his name lowly. 

He leans forward, her chest against his, while their fingers link between their bodies.

He could cry right now, and maybe he does, but all his attention is honed in on the vice-like feeling around his member and her soft whimpers and moans that make the prettiest symphonies pale in comparison. He has Earth’s most beautiful creation right here on his lap.

He thrusts upward, kissing her as he moves and he feels the way her body reacts to him. He loves watching her eyes as he slips into her and slides all the way out, her pupils seemingly dilating and retracting in time with his strokes. “God, baby. Yeah, like that.”

She just whimpers and grips his hand even tighter.

Her eyes close as she bites her lip, and she is lost to him. He knows it could never be like this with anyone else, and her reaction to him only further proves that. He cradles the back of her head, pushing her closer and kissing her soundly. He doesn’t stop thrusting up at her, enjoying the way she whimpers against his mouth each time.

Her back curls as she tries to move faster, take him into her deeper. He knows by the way her cries get higher and closer together, that she’s close and he peels his mouth away from hers immediately.

“Not yet, hold it back.” He knows the rough demand only turns her on more and he can’t even begin to fathom ending this yet. He brushes his thumb over her clit all the while slamming into her. It’s a brutal, but appreciated rhythm and he can feel the way she tightens and grips him every single time.

“Oh God.” She cries. He can feel her thighs trying to grip together, but her position on top of him doesn’t allow for much of that.

“Look at me.” He nudges her with his nose. “Honey, look at me.”

She opens her eyes as she rides him, staring right down at him as her teeth gnash her lip. He can tell she’s thinking about the same thing he is; wondering how the hell they’ve managed to go without this for so long.

“I can’t fight it anymore, Blake.” She whispers, as her head flies back.

He reaches up and grabs the back of her neck, forcefully directing her gaze back to him.

“It’s been a goddamn year...” He murmurs, fighting hard to keep his own release at bay. “I want to watch this.”

He grips her hand tighter and presses their lips together.

“Let go.” He whispers.

He lets out a long rumbling groan when he feels her clenching around him again, pulling back in time to watch the tremors take over her body.

She gives him what he wants, her jaw dropping as she lets her head fall lower to his, moving with him while she cums. He can see every miniscule reaction this way and he shivers when she crumbles once more.

“Again.” His low voice commands, uncurling his hand from her hair and curving his arm around her. He drops soft kisses to her slick shoulder and neck, beats of sweat clinging to her body. He can feel every isolated muscle contraction on top of him and sees the absolute desperation and need in her eyes.

“It’s so incredible watching you come for me, Gwen.’ He growls, feeling her tighten even more, for the second time. “That’s right, come again for me.”

She cries out his name louder than before, while she shakes violently in his arms. He pulls her against him deeper, locked inside of her as her muscles throb around him.

“I still love you.” She whispers against his mouth, her soft cries turning breathy.

It’s all he needs to hear before he twists their hands together and let’s go inside her with a series of muffled curses.

She collapses onto him when her body gives out, shuddering as tiny quakes of aftershocks ripple through her.

He gives one last thrust, draining completely before he pulls his hands out of hers to run it through her hair. It always amazes him how slick their bodies get, how sticky they become. It’s always such a full-blown release, and it only ever happens like that with her.

“I love you.” He says into her hair, unable to say it enough.

There’s a comfortable silence between them as they rise and fall together. Two sets of lungs breathing in time with each other, two hearts in synchronized beats.


	10. pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who commented something positive on the last chapter and the ones who reached out to me on Twitter. I’m human and sometimes insecurities get to me and cause me to give it more attention than I probably should. Thanks for bringing me back. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this slightly angsty (but fluffy at the end) chapter ;-)

“The song is very personal. Critics are saying this is the first time they feel like you’ve been allowing people to peel back that fun layer. How do you feel about those presumptions?”

Blake smiles awkwardly. “This song means a lot to me. I think there’s a significant difference between this song and my previous singles. Writing this one alone is something I’ve never done before.”

“What made you feel like you had to write this one without co-writers?” She asks, cocking her head to the left. “That’s something that’s quite rare nowadays.”

“This song comes from a part of my heart that I’ve found hard to share with other people. I didn’t think any outside person could truly touch on that feeling. It had to come from me and only me. I’m just grateful my label believed in it enough to push it as a single.”

The woman looks at him hopeful, her eyes sparkling. He knows that look and he’s not surprised when the digging for something more journalistically juicy starts.

“When you say it came from a part of your heart that you’ve found hard to share with anybody else, you’re talking about the break-up with Gwen Stefani, right?”

“It’s about heartbreak, I think the song is very transparent in what it’s about.”

“A line in the song is ‘your every memory just brings me misery’. People are speculating that’s a reference to Gwen’s song Misery, that came out early 2016. Is that true?”

It’s the thing he’s been most nervous about. The media craziness is something he’s pretty used to by now, but he doesn’t want to talk too much about the woman who still has his heart. He’s also extra cautious for the sake of the kids; he’d seriously hate himself if they’d ever come across a video of him talking anything but positively about their mother.

Blake grimaces. “Like I said, the song is very transparent and leaves very little to the imagination.”

“Did she get back to you about the song?” The interviewer continues. “How does she feel about it?”

“We’re supportive of each other.” He replies. “Gwen and I are still very good friends and this song is merely me being an artist and turning my pain into art. Gwen is the queen of lyricism, she’s made her whole career off turning tragedy into art. She understands it more than anyone ever could.”

The woman looks a little disappointed at the lack of shade being thrown. He feels a shimmer of pride in his chest at the sight.

“Can we expect any more songs like this on the album?”

“I actually haven’t been working on much of the album yet. This is a song that I needed to put out just for my personal sake, but I couldn’t tell you what the rest of the album is gonna sound like.”

“This single is not part of a body of work?”

“It might, but not as of right now, no.”

“Gwen has refrained from releasing any songs after you and her broke up. Has that been a conscious decision?”

Blake sighs, starting to feel genuine frustration bubbling over.

“That’s a question you should ask her.” He says calmly. “We haven’t talked about anything like that.”

“You recently announced this season of the Voice will be your last; it seems like there are a lot of changes going on professionally. Any chance Gwen might replace you on the show?”

“Again, those are questions I can’t answer.”

“Would you mind if she did?”

“The Voice family is forever and Gwen is a rightful and appreciated part of it. I think fans would be thrilled to see her back if she ever choses to do so.”

“There was a petition going around on Twitter right after you two broke up to bring her back. Were you part of the reason that didn’t happen?”

Blake wills his anger down, biting his lip. “She has always been welcome to come back.”

“Yet, she didn’t.” The woman dismisses quietly, moving on quickly. “Pain is an amazing song and we’re all very excited to see you perform it live. Are you nervous?”

“Playing a song live is actually the best feeling. I’ve been a little nervous to play this particular one in front of an audience but I also think it will be a very cathartic experience.”

“It sure is personal.” She smiles briefly. “I think a lot of people are excited to see this level of honesty from you Blake. You’re taking control of the narrative and that’s something Gwen is obviously known for too. A little dose of her own medicine, perhaps?” The woman chuckles as if she just told the joke of the century.

“That’s not at all what this is about.” Blake finally takes the bait, not gonna let this journalist turn his healing song into something shady and bitter. “Every break up hurts and that’s just the way the world works. We all go through pain and I want this song to express that and hopefully my fans will be able to relate.”

“Of course.” The woman concedes. “Has the pain stopped yet or is this still a reality you’re living through right now?”

Blake sits back, beyond ready to end this conversation.

“I’m in a much better place these days.”

“That’s good to hear. I hope this song blows up, it’s absolutely amazing.” She says. “Let’s get the song everywhere, make it hard for a _certain someone_ to escape.”

Blake’s jaw locks. “Again, not the point.”

“Thank you for taking the time to talk to me Blake.” She finishes up the interview instead, ignoring his obvious discomfort.

“You’re welcome.” Blake grits out annoyed, biting the inside of his cheek.

The interviewer turns her attention to the camera to the side and smiles. “Blake’s new single ‘Pain’ is out now. Go check it out on all streaming platforms. I’m Jessica Lange from Access Hollywood.”

Blake almost sprints out of the room once the cameras cut and he’s given the green light. He tugs at the mic that’s clipped onto his collar and pulls out the wires from underneath his shirt.

“ _Blake_ …” Brandon follows him hastily, his voice basically a long sigh.

“That was bullshit.” Blake spits out. “Absolute fucking trash. Instead of talking about my music, she spent most of the interview taking jabs at Gwen.”

“Look, you’ve handled that well. You didn’t say anything incriminating, there’s barely anything she can use for clickbait.”

“Barely anything isn’t good enough.” He barks. “I want her to scrap the whole thing.”

Brandon sighs. “You know we can’t make her do that.”

Blake turns around to face his manager, his jaw locking painfully tight.

“You saw that whole atrocity, right?” He asks. “That wasn’t a professional interview, that was a crusade.”

“It was obvious she was sent there to get some dirt on the break up, but you didn’t give her any. Let’s just all take a deep breath, go home and shake this one off. It’s not your first time dealing with situations like this.” His manager reminds him.

He wants to explain how his relationship with Gwen is slowly gaining some traction again and the fragile beginning stages of what they’re rebuilding is not yet prone to the sticks and stones the media wants to throw at it, but refrains.

He nods and says his goodbye to the rest of the team, just wanting to get out of there as soon as possible.

Back in his truck, he sits and stares out of the large windshield. He closes his eyes and feels the potent Californian sun piercing the car windows.

His hand digs into his jean pocket and retrieves his phone, slowly and reluctantly dialling Gwen’s number.

“Hello?”

“It’s me.”

It’s quiet for a few beats, her soft breathing coating his ear.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

He knows they’re both remembering the night they had together two weeks ago, the way he’d laid her down in front of the fire pit outside and made love to her.

“I thought we’d decided on only calling each other on the weekends. Starting things up slow.” She says softly, slightly playful.

“Do you mind?”

She sighs quietly. “Not at all. I miss you.”

He smiles to himself, leaning his head back against the headrest. “I miss you too. Can I see you today?”

There’s a silence that doesn’t promise a lot of good.

“The kids are home.” She whispers. “I just don’t want them to get used to having you over when it’s not about taking _them_ out somewhere. It will just confuse them.”

Blake rubs his free hand over his face.

“Why can’t we just tell them we’re slowly trying to figure things out again?” He asks. “We can be clear about things not being the way they used to be yet, while simultaneously getting them used to me being around again a bit more often.”

“I just….” She sighs. “I don’t know Blake. They’ve been through so much, I need to protect them from everything that can potentially hurt them.”

“Is that what you’re doing?” He asks softly. “Or are you protecting yourself?”

“Why would that be wrong?” She whispers. “Maybe I’m protecting both.”

Blake closes his eyes, his free hand grabbing the steering wheel and squeezing hard.

“That’s not wrong, but I have the right to know if you’re pulling away from me again.”

“I’m not. I’m simply being careful and I don’t think having you over right now is responsible. You knew what you were getting yourself into with me Blake. I’m a mother first, before anything else. I have a duty to protect them.”

“Why do you keep acting like me being present in their lives will hurt them?”

“That’s not what I’m saying and you know that.”

He’s quiet for a few seconds, shaking his head.

“I’m gonna hang up, I’m in the car and I just need to go home. We can talk later.”

“Where are you now?”

“Studio parking lot. Just finished an interview.”

It’s unfair how much he craves being around her right now, even when he’s getting frustrated with her reasoning. He can feel the way her arms would wrap around him when he’d get there and he would do nearly anything to obtain that level of peace at the moment.

“How did it go?” She asks instead, ignoring his earlier words about hanging up the phone.

Blake inhales deeply. “About as good as you’d expect.”

He hears her swallow. “So not good?”

“You’ve heard the song. Guess the _only_ thing they wanted to talk about…”

“I’m sorry.” She responds, albeit a bit delayed.

“The whole time I’m sitting there, I’m thinking ‘damn I can’t believe I’m sitting here, forced to listen to her ridiculous assumptions and blatant disregard for my music, but as long as Gwen comes out unharmed I’ll be fine’.” He takes a deep breath. “Some people would say I’m a fool for you, you know that?”

He feels it happen but can do nothing to stop it –his anger that bottled up all during the interview finally spills over.  
He knows she can tell the thickening of his accent and the rich and deep tone of his lacking all friendliness.

“I get that you’re upset about what happened today.” She breathes.

“It’s not just about today. It’s about _every_ day, especially the one that happened two weeks ago.” He hears the sharp intake of breath coming from her and keeps going. “It’s about me falling for you every time you so much as look at me and I fucking hate it. You have me wrapped around your finger, that’s what you think right? You can show up at my doorstep and I’ll let you in every single time, you can seek me out whenever Steven stops doing the job for you and then I’ll break you off, better than anyone else ever has. You’ll give me hope and then tell me you want to start things slow by basically never seeing each other and I’ll still drive myself crazy trying to protect you in an interview. You can get scared and change your mind and I will still be here sitting in my goddamn car, calling you to hear you do it.”

“That’s how you feel?” She whispers sadly, her soft sniffling indicating she’s crying.

“That’s how I feel.” He says pointedly.

He’s not surprised when the line disconnects, only disappointed. He runs a hand over his mouth, his fingertips salty. He looks at the building he’s parked in front of and remembers the horrible interview from earlier. He slams an angry hand down on the steering wheel and makes a sound that’s in between a growl and a grunt.

He doesn’t understand how quickly everything went to shit again but it did.

-x-

“Blakey!” Apollo shouts as he practically jumps off the couch and runs into him.

“Hey, buddy.” Blake kneels to catch his running hug. He closes his eyes as he holds Gwen’s youngest, exhaling deeply. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“You missed my basketball game.” Zuma interrupts, his little head tilts to the side as he walks over to him, his socked feet slipping on the hardwood as he moves. “We won.”

Blake’s heart sinks as he looks down to find sad eyes but a warm smile from the boy.

“I’m so sorry I missed that, I wasn’t aware.” He looks across the room at Gwen, who lowers her head and gaze to the floor.

“It’s okay, you can come see me next time.”

The young boy runs a hand through his blonde hair and shrugs. He grabs his book bag and makes an attempt to go up the stairs. Blake lifts Apollo on his hip and places a soft hand on Zuma’s shoulder, preventing him from going anywhere.

“You’re a great kid, you know that?” Blake whispers sweetly, smiling down at him. “I’m real sorry I missed your game, I messed up big time.”

Apollo’s small hand wraps around his ear again, causing a soft smile to appear on Blake’s face despite the sorrowful regret that fills him after seeing Zuma’s sad gaze.

“It’s just that... I thought you were hanging out with us more again and then you don’t show up. I guess I’m just confused.” He confesses.

Blake sighs. “I know, it’s all pretty confusing. I’m trying my best to see you guys as often as possible, but there’s no excuse for me missing that. I want you to know that it has nothing to do with you. I should’ve asked you or your mom about what you had planned. Had I known you were playing, I would’ve been there, front and center.”

“He will be there next time.” Gwen’s voice cuts in, her first attempt at helping him out. For some reason, her voice only angers him more. He knows it’s not completely justified anger, but he can’t help but wonder if her issue with him played part into why she didn’t notify him about Zuma’s game.

He can handle her pulling away from him, but he _can’t_ handle jeopardizing the relationship he has with her three boys.

“Don’t forget to tell him next time, mom.” Zuma instructs innocently.

He’s glad the boy decided to tell her, because he’s sure he wouldn’t have sounded as nice.

“I need to finish up on some homework.” The middle child exclaims, looking a bit sad when Blake retracts his hand.

“Go finish what you need to do, bud. I’ll see you soon.”

He’s a bit surprised, but not at all saddened to watch Zuma wrap his arm around him for a hug. It’s a bit awkward the position, with Apollo still clinging on to him as well, but he can’t complain. Zuma smiles before running up the stairs, the bag slung over his arm nearly hitting the wall with the force of his steps. Blake chuckles at the kid’s energy and makes his way back to the couch.

Gwen had retreated into the kitchen, giving him a few moments alone with Apollo.

He makes an exaggerated groaning noise when the kid climbs into his lap and starts pulling at his face. He drops his head back as if he’s being viciously attacked, smirking when the kid turns into a pile of giggles. He loves spending time with all the kids, but Apollo hasn’t known a life Blake wasn’t in, and Lord does he want that to stay that way.

Gwen walks back a few minutes later, plopping down on the couch next to them. She watches the scene before her play out, and as much as he’s thankful she’s not intervening, he suddenly feels the tension rippling off him like waves. Apollo remains oblivious to his underlying anger and Blake does his best to keep the young boy laughing and smiling.

After ten more minutes of intense play-wrestling, Apollo seems to have tired himself out. Instead of the jumping around in his lap, he’s know laying against Blake’s chest, two fingers in his mouth as his eyelids flutter sleepily.

Gwen smiles. “You wanna take a little nap, baby?”

Apollo shakes his head, making a soft noise in protest when she reaches out for him.

“Wanna stay with Blakey.”

Blake closes his eyes, his hand gently rubbing his back.

“It’s fine.” He says to Gwen. “I’ll hold him for a while.”

She redirects her attention away from him, sighing deeply.

He’s pretty sure she figured she would have him in and out in no time, the prospect of having him in her home any longer than necessary causing her discomfort.

They sit in silence, even though he has enough he wants to say to her.

It takes about ten minutes for Apollo’s grip on his shirt to lessen and the soft breathing noises escaping his mouth making it obvious the kid drifted asleep. Spending time with the children today has made him happier than he’s been all week, but underneath it all, he’s still festering and brooding about what Gwen did –or didn’t do.

“I know you’re angry.” She whispers, her fingers toying with a strand of her hair. “I didn’t think you wanted to hear from me, so— “

“Stop.” He cuts her off, his voice a harsh whisper. He looks down at the small child laying against his chest, soft snores indicating he’s still sleeping. “I’ve already told you once that my feelings towards you would never and _should_ never interfere with my feelings towards the kids. You keeping them from me in _any_ capacity is completely selfish.”

“Give him to me.” She says suddenly, standing up and bending over him so she can take Apollo off his lap and gently lay him against her shoulder.

“Why?” Blake breathes, surprised and angry, his arms and lap suddenly empty.

“I’m gonna put him into bed and then we are gonna talk.” She says. “For real.”

Blake sighs deeply. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“You keep saying that.” She responds angrily, turning on her heel and walking up the stairs.

Blake’s eyes stay on her until it becomes impossible to follow her, and he hears the soft sounds of her feet on the stairs and Apollo’s room door being opened.

He can’t begin to explain how much he misses that simple action. His little buddy always found it easier to find sleep whenever he was carrying him or holding him, and the amount of times Blake had walked him up the stairs and tucked him in were countless. It was such a simple task but it was one he never thought he’d get the opportunity to do. It was things like that which really showed him how much he’d been missing.

He walks towards the kitchen, leaning his tall body against her counter.

It’s early in the afternoon, with Zuma and Apollo both upstairs. Kingston is spending the day at a friend’s house, but nevertheless, it doesn’t feel completely safe to have the serious conversation Gwen is meaning to have in a second.

He also knows that putting it off won’t get them anywhere. He and Gwen had spent two great days together, though he felt sicker than he’d felt in years. They’d connected on a physical and emotional level again, making him feel more at home than he’d felt in months. It was the best damn feeling in the world and somehow he was on the verge of losing it again.

He’s about to work himself up in even more agitation when her body appears into the spacious kitchen, her lip caught between her teeth.

“You’ve said what you wanted to say in that phone call, so now it’s my turn.” She says simply, making it obvious her statement isn’t up for debate.

Blake squints his eyes and waits.

“I dropped everything for you two weeks ago when I heard you were feeling sick, not because I had to, but because I _wanted_ to—because I care. The same way I cared for you when we were both going through our divorces and I spent the whole night nursing your hangovers. And I will always care because I decided to give you my heart and I don’t take that lightly. You can say what you want about me, but I won’t accept you insinuating I would ever use you. I love you!”

Her words hit him and he feels both sick and relieved. Sick, because she sounds hurt and he knows it’s caused by his explosion from earlier. Relieved, because she talks about love in the present tense and that means something—he knows that.

“I didn’t want to immediately jump back into things because I know how I get.” She continues. “I get too clingy too fast and I fall back into my obsessive nature. I don’t want to do that this time because I know there’s a lot that needs rebuilding. I don’t want that to get lost in translation.”

He watches her as she sucks her lip into her mouth again, sees the way her white front teeth dig into the cherry red of her lower lip.

“I didn’t mean to say those things last week…” He says softly.

“Yeah, but you did.” She says, moving towards the sink and grabbing a glass from the cabinet above her head. “I thought we were going somewhere good, but you made it damn obvious that once again, I’m just reading into things all wrong.”

He shakes his head, though she can’t see it, and walks up behind her. He feels her body tensing a little as he’s got her trapped between his chest and the sink. She ignores him for a little bit and fills her glass with water, sighing deeply once she’s done.

“You weren’t reading into things all wrong.” He whispers, sliding his hands down to hold onto her waist. “I had a terrible day and I took my frustration out on you. I’m also scared Gwen, you gotta understand that.”

“I do understand that, Blake.” She whispers, taking a sip of water while her other hand grips onto the counter. “But I can’t take these accusations you throw at me all the time. Like I’m not willing to work on this or like I’m gonna check out at any moment. That’s not fair to me.”

He inhales deeply. “But you _did_ check out on me once before, Gwen. And as much as you don’t see it, that hurt me. I lost everything and that hurt. I’m still hurting.”

It’s the most vulnerable he knows how to be in that moment and he sucks in a breath when she turns around to face him. He’s standing so close to her; her back is pressed against the counter tightly and her arms barely have any room for motion.

She decides to slide one of her hands up his chest and simply rests it there.

“I know I’ve hurt you.” She says softly, eyes watering. “I’m trying really hard here Blake. But I don’t know how else to show you that I’m in. I’m just not comfortable with telling the kids yet.”

It’s Blake’s turn to bite his lip.

“Let me spend more time with you at least.” He nudges her softly, looking down at her brown hazel eyes. “Give me your weekends, the once where the kids are with their father. Let me take you out again, let me spend some more nights pressing apologies into your skin, let me hold you in my bed, _our_ bed.”

“Blake….” She whimpers.

His hand trails up from her waist to her cheek.

“I’m not asking for too much, and if you’re not ready to tell the kids, then we don’t. All I’m asking is for you to be there more, to show me you want to be there.” He speaks the words nearly against her lips and he can feel her tremble slightly against him. The nerves and anticipation all coming to a violent eruption. “I need you, Gwen. Please tell me that’s not one-sided.”

She only drops her eyes from his for a second, to look at his lips.

“I do need you. I literally always have.”

He’s still looking into her eyes, holding her gaze, searching for any indication that she doesn’t want this. When he sees her tongue dart out to wet her lips, he growls and moves the final inch, crashing into her.

He knows they’re not completely in the clear and Zuma can walk in any second, but he needs this. He kisses her straight out of a fantasy, letting all his senses get consumed by her. Electric shocks course though his chest and his hands slide down to her waist again, pulling her closer against him.

She releases a trembling moan into his mouth and he trails his down her neck. He uses the pause in kisses to whisper her name like a prayer. 

He _is_ praying. For salvation, for redemption, for her.

Her hands tug at his face, indicating she wants him to kiss her again and he complies like he’s been waiting all damn day.

Her hands are everywhere; his face, his chest, his hair, his neck, his shirt. He doesn’t care, wants to feel her everywhere, wishes she would leave him with a physical reminder of this moment just so he can stand sleeping alone tonight a little bit better.

They eventually pull away, her lips red and swollen.

Her finger touches her mouth briefly, before swallowing. “Wow.”

Blake chuckles. “I guess we needed that.”

She looks around. “Thank God Zuma is serious about finishing his homework. I told him no TV unless he’s done.”

“Impeccable timing.”

She smiles, reaching her hand towards his cheek and cupping it gently.

“This weekend…” She whispers. “The kids won’t be here, if you want we can spend some time here. It’s been a while since you got to sleep in my bed.”

Her teeth tug again at her bottom lip as she tries not to blush. Her cheeks turn pink anyway and he pulls her into him just because.

“That’s the sweetest fucking thing I’ve heard you say in so long.”

Gwen snorts. “You realize that’s not exactly a compliment, right?”

Looking at her now, he feels invincible, he can’t understand why. He runs the pad of his thumb over the thin skin of her wrist, and his eyes waver from her eyes to her lips and back again—over and over, as if he’s deciding which is worth his full attention.

“I would love to spend the weekend here, Gwen.” He says genuinely. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted since it stopped happening.”

She looks up at him with teary eyes and he just can’t help himself, he kisses her again. It lasts longer than he’d intended, but he can’t say he’s sorry.

“I want to show you I’m serious about this, baby.” He whispers against her lips. “What happened at my house, that wasn’t just me and you having a spontaneous fuck. I want this with you, the whole thing.”

Her rosy-tinged cheeks brush against his for a split second before she whispers. “I was starting to worry you might’ve seen it as me just desperate to cross the line with a hot, country crooner, sexiest man alive human.”

He chuckles against her, twisting his lips into a sassy smirk.

“Do you think we could cross some more lines next weekend?”

She furrows her brows and gives him a dirty sideways smile.

“I think something can be arranged.”


	11. you’ll love me forevermore

“You changed some things.” He says slowly, his eyes running over the walls. “I didn’t even notice that before.”

“Yeah. Do you like it?” She bends down to pick up a left-over toy from when the kids were here and puts it back in the closet where it belongs.

“I do. You got rid of the painting too—kinda makes the place looks even bigger.”

She lets out a soft breath. “Too fucking big.”

He gives her a look, tilting his head. “Then why did you do it?”

She shrugs. “Just felt like I needed a change. The house is too big for just me and the kids anyway.”

He doesn’t press for the words she doesn’t say, because they both know where she’s going with this. He holds her gaze determinedly and smiles.

“I have the same damn problem in my house.”

She chuckles. “That’s cause you barely have any furniture at your place in LA.”

“Why would I spend money on furniture if I don’t plan on spending a lot of time there?”

She approaches him where he’s sitting at her kitchen counter, leaning her elbows on the marble top. The bend of her body is quite distracting, but he manages at tearing his eyes away.

She bites her lip. “When the kids aren’t here either, I just— “

“You’re not alone now.” He interrupts, staring deeply into her eyes.

“I know.” She whispers. “I just…I’m not very good at being alone here. Or anywhere, really.”

Blake looks at her sympathetically. “I know that too.”

“Yes, but that’s just it…” She continues softly, straightening her back and allowing Blake some room to breathe now she’s no longer in that seductive position. “I don’t want you to think that you’re just here because I’m lonely. I swear to you, I would never do that. I mean, I have done it in the past, but never with a love like yours. I would never ever do that.”

“When you say you’ve done that in the past, you’re talking about _Ste_ — “

“ _Oh no_.” She scoffs, shaking her head. “Steven was just…. We hadn’t been seeing each other for long. The first six, seven months after you and I broke up, I saw no one. I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t even think I had it in me any longer.”

For some reason, the news surprises him.

“No one at all?” He asks, just to confirm.

“Completely celibate.” She smiles at him slowly. “Does that make you happy to hear?”

“No, I….” He shakes his head, scratching at his chin while the sharp stubble makes a rough noise under his nails. “I don’t want you to feel bad, Gwen. Especially not because of me. And I hate that you even doubted yourself for a second if you still _had_ _it_.”

He sees a familiar pain in her eyes.

“I didn’t wanna be with anyone else, Blake.” She whispers, then shrugs. “I still don’t.”

She looks so small like this, so vulnerable and it tugs at his heartstrings to the point of aching. He stands up and holds his hand out, walking towards the living room and waiting for her to grab onto his fingers.

“What…” She starts to ask, but cuts herself off, reaching for his hand and letting him drag them both over to the couch.

He slides himself closer to her and scoops an arm around her waist, pulling her into his lap. He hooks one finger under the collar of the blouse she’s wearing and unbuttons the top half.

“When you invited me back here last week…” He mumbles softly, his finger gracing the smooth skin he’d just exposed on her chest. “It was the best damn feeling in the world, to finally be asked back here, for something other than picking up the kids.”

She doesn’t speak, just lets him take off her blouse completely and grace the satin fabric of her bra.

“Trust me, getting to spend time with the kids is amazing and I’ve missed them so much, but being with you….” He lets his eyes fall to her cleavage, caressing her stomach before looking up at her eyes again. “It’s what I missed the most. Being here…. this feels like home, my rental a few miles over? It’s never been home to me, and if you don’t mind, I want to make you an offer I should’ve made you much sooner.”

She swallows and takes a shaky breath.

“What is it?” She asks.

“I want to stop renting that house. I want to get rid of it and just go back to my place in Oklahoma until you’re ready for me to move back in with you.” Her eyes widen, her body tensing on top of him but he continues gently. “There’s no reason for me to keep that place. The only reason I still have it is because it’s a place I can stay in to take the kids to when it’s not possible to get them cross state and because of the Voice. But that’s over now and I don’t want to live in a place that isn’t a home, I don’t want to keep a back-up plan because I don’t believe I’ll need one. Once you’re ready, I want to move in again, maybe even buy a new house with you.”

She runs her fingertip over his shoulder, her touch making his heart pound.

“You would do that?” She whispers.

Her eyes find his, but her hands smooth over his chest.

“I never wanted to leave in the first place.” He says adamantly. “I want to move back in, I want to go back to the ways things were, but not until you’re absolutely ready. I don’t mind waiting, but I do mind having to spend another single second in that lonely mess of concrete.”

His left hand runs down her back and slips under the clasp of her bra. His palm flattens on her skin, waiting for her silent approval to snap it off. With nothing but her jeans on, she makes for the most surreal sight—but then again, she always does.

“Tell me you’re okay with that.” He quietly urges, one of his hands trailing along the side of her hip. Her face leans closer to his involuntarily. “Tell me we’re striving for the same thing.”

“I do.” She whispers, cupping his cheeks and resting her forehead against his. “God, I do.”

“This is really happening?” He chuckles, nipping at her lip.

He can feel her trembling softly on top of him.

“I think so, cowboy.”

“No more running.” He whispers as he lets his hand fall to her lower back.

Nodding, her head rubs against his. “I’m not running, I just don’t want to rush into things and ruin them again, I can’t lose you twice. God Blake, that would absolutely kill me, I can’t— “

“Not happening.” He murmurs against her lips again.

She lets him pull her jeans down over her hips, losing herself in kissing him at the same time. She doesn’t even seem to realize when he’s moving her, twisting them around so she’s lying flat on the couch. He takes her underwear off with care, his lips moving down her chin and neck.

He kisses his way down her stomach, cupping his hands over her knees as he moves them apart. He closes his eyes, taking a deep breath while growling at her scent.

He kisses her thighs, smiling when her hands move to the back of his head. Her nails scrape into his scalp before he even darts out his tongue, working deep inside her.

“Oh god, Blake.”

Her head falls back against the arm of the couch.

He chuckles, knows she can feel it by the way her thighs buck. He hikes her thighs up onto his shoulders, slipping his hand under her to grip her ass. He moves his mouth around her sensitive clit as she arches her back and cries his name.

“Blake.” She whimpers, her back curling again. This is why they can’t always do everything they want to do when the kids are home, even back when he was still living here. Blake knows exactly which one of her buttons to push to make her come undone, quickly and _loudly_.

She scratches at his head, struggling to catch her breath while he continues the overlapping sensations. He holds her steady gaze as he grips her tighter, fucks her with his tongue and laps up every drop when she cums again.

He slides up her body then, shoving his pants down with one hand and hovers over her for a moment before he kisses her deeply.

Their moans mix and muffle, her fingers running through his hair, while his knee pushes her legs even further apart. Pressing his forehead to hers, he moves and thrusts his hips, kissing her to catch her cry as he fills her.

“Damn it, baby.” He whispers, his hand wrapping around the couch cushion beneath her as he moves into her deeply.

Her nails snap into his shoulder blades, his name rolling off her tongue repeatedly. She whimpers when he moves one of his hands to curl under her knee. He lifts and presses, wrapping her leg around his back.

She claws at his neck as she presses her head against his, her open eyes watching his blue ones narrow and dilating when he comes undone on top of her. Her high-pitched squeal is caught by his growling kiss and he loves when they reach their climax at the same time, makes him feel impossibly closer to her somehow.

Still panting, he rolls them over again and lays her on top of him, his hands unable to stop roaming her perfect body.

Her fingertips draw lazy patterns on his chest as she tries to calm herself down.

“You’re coming back to live here…” She mumbles more so to herself than to him. “I mean not immediately, but at some point…”

He rubs her arm gently. “Yeah…”

“It’s just like, _surreal_.” She breathes, tiling her head up to look at him. “I thought I’d lost you forever.”

She hooks her leg over his body and he subconsciously rocks into it, even though they’re both too sensitive to make more of it.

“I still can’t believe we ever let this go.”

He shakes his head and kisses her slowly, his lips pouting when she pulls away.

“Did you mean it?” She asks against his mouth.

“Mean what?”

“You want to buy another house with me?”

His large hands wind into her hair, kissing her again. “I do. I want a place that has no memories of anyone else, or our break-up. I want to build a place with you, one that I can call home, one that we both can call home. Something that’s ours.”

“You sure you wanna get into the whole location, design and furnishing war with me?” She chuckles, raising her knee so it’s resting near his hip.

“No war, baby…” He smiles, packing her lips again. “I’m pretty confident in my ability to compromise, plus I really just want you to be happy. As long as you’re there, I’m home.”

Her eyes narrow slightly while falling back into his waiting arms.

“I love you so much.” She whispers. “You say things like that and I just…I’m really glad you came back, Blake.”

“I shoulda never left.”

“I should’ve never asked you to go.”

He holds her close, feeling both of them relax with the increased closeness.

The way her hand slides up and down his chest makes him grow even fonder of this moment they’re having. She seems completely oblivious to the fact she’s even doing it, which makes him even happier. It appears she just can’t stop touching him, and that’s something he’s absolutely fine with.

They’re both so wrapped up in the moment, it takes the ringing of his phone to snap them out of it. He debates just letting it ring, but after the third time he moans and grumbles, keeping one hand around her body as he rubs his eyes and slaps his hand around for his phone.

“Shelton.” He says, his hand slowly rubbing her arm.

He learns quickly that he should’ve let the phone ring instead of picking up, his deep sigh causing Gwen to look up at him. Her brown eyes make it hard for him to focus on anything else, but somehow he manages to follow the ramblings of his manager.

“You know this is supposed to be my off weekend, right?”

Gwen’s hand slides further up his chest, resting over his heart. He can see the same disappointment he’s feeling reflected in her eyes.

“Is there any way around this?” He asks, frustrated.

He presses Gwen against him again, holding on to her even tighter now the prospect of leaving her is in his near future.

“Fine. No, I can’t be there in a few hours, I’m in LA.” He bites his lip before rolling his eyes. “You’re really serious?” He listens for a bit longer but all he wants now is to get off the phone and spend another few hours with her. “Yeah, sure. I’ll see you soon. Bye.”

He hangs up the phone, looking at her sadly.

She smiles knowingly. “You can’t stay, can you?”

“Apparently, there’s a problem with one of the contracts I signed for the restaurant in Nashville. I need to be there tonight for a meeting and quite possibly the signing of a new and improved arrangement.”

“It can’t wait?” She asks, nuzzling against his side, her face burying in his chest.

“Sorry baby, I gotta catch a plane this evening so I can be there tonight. It’s just one of those things they can’t postpone, the credibility of the business and continuation of recruitment is on the line.”

She nods against him. “I understand. But I don’t like it.”

He chuckles. “Me neither, trust me, I fucking hate it.”

She offers him a faint smile as she moves up and plants a soft kiss on his lips. He immediately deepens it by sliding both arms around her back and pulling her on top of him.

“I can’t believe I don’t get to sleep in your bed again.” He whines against her mouth. “I’ve been looking forward to that ever since you said it.”

She kisses him again, rubbing up against him.

“Next time, I promise I won’t let you leave. We’ll spend every minute making up for lost time.”

“We can do that now…” He argues, raising his brows. “Take me upstairs, I still got about…” He picks up his phone again and assesses the time. “…. An hour and a half.”

She sighs.

“I don’t want to rush it.” Her words are understandable, and he even agrees, but it’s still disappointing. “The first time we lay in that bed together again after so many months, I don’t want you to have to leave me. I want you to be able to stay the night, so I can fall asleep with you holding me just the way you are now.”

He kisses her sweetly. “You’re right. God this sucks.”

“I should’ve gotten here yesterday.” He adds.

She smiles. “You’re a busy man, Blake Shelton.”

“I know you’re probably over the moon you get the kids back after just one weekend, but am I horribly selfish for wishing I’d get just one more day?”

“Would you really have gotten on a plane right back to LA if you had?”

“Baby girl, I would’ve ran straight out of that meeting and onto that tarmac.”

She giggles. “We’ll have to wait just one week. You can still come by though…”

“But no kissing.” He grunts, holding her closely. “And definitely none of _this_.” He says while he mischievously cop’s a feel.

She bites her lip and grinds into him once more for good measure.

“It’ll be worth the wait.” She murmurs.

He squeezes her backside and nuzzles her neck.

“You always are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for interrupting the much awaited weekend, but I promise it will be worth it ;-)


	12. it's a gift you have

“Are you absolutely sure about this?” He asks nervously, rubbing a hand at the back of his neck. “It’s been a while and I know it’s weird for you not to be there.”

She smiles softly, her hand briefly touching his forearm.

“It’s weird not being there but I trust you.” She says slowly. “I’m actually quite happy you wanted to take them for the weekend. They’ve been so excited about this ever since we talked about it, and it will be good for them to spend some time in nature again. Not the few trees we have here in LA.” She winks.

“Endy will be there with the kids too, so it won’t just be me and I’ll make sure they’ll call you at night before they go to sleep and— “

“ _Blake_.” She intervenes quietly, stifling another smile. “You’ve helped me so much with them before, you’re an amazing dad. I trust you.”

He takes a deep breath, hating how nervous he is about this all the sudden. He’s been alone with the kids countless of times, but something about them not having been at the ranch for over a year makes him feel a little uneasy. He wonders if things changed for them, if his position in their lives is once again up for grabs and uncertain.

“Are they really that excited?” He asks softly, looking up at her expectantly.

He watches as her eyes widen before a huge smirk plasters over her lips. He cocks his head in confusion when she takes a few steps away from him and sticks her head around the corner.

“King, Zum, Pollo, you guys ready to go?”

It takes less than five seconds for all three boys to run into the room, small backpacks swung over their shoulders. The chatter that surrounds him suddenly is too much to make sense of but Blake’s heart swells two sizes at the sound of it.

“Are we gonna take the jet?”

“Can we drive the ATV’s when we get there?”

“Wanna see the hoarsies, Blakey.”

Gwen bites the glossy flesh of her lip and looks up at him.

“Thank you.” He mouths at her.

She nods before turning her attention to her three boys.

“Alright, are you guys ready to listen to Blake? You know what I’m gonna say, right?” She asks sweetly but strict, her arm wrapping around Zuma and pressing him against her chest.

“Listen to Blake and behave ourselves.” Kingston says quickly, bouncing on his feet as he waits to get out of here.

Blake smiles. “I think we’re all set here, say goodbye to your mother and we can get on the road.”

Gwen takes some extra time with Apollo, bouncing him on her hip and plastering his face with kisses while the other two boys are already jumping at the front door. Gwen lets go of her youngest, who joins his brother quickly.

Blake watches as she approaches him, his eyes quickly going to the boys who are waiting in the hallway. It's obvious Gwen doesn’t care about that when she wraps her arms around his waist and leans her chin against his chest. “I love you. Call me if you need anything.”

Blake leans down and presses a small kiss on her forehead. “Always, darlin’.”

She pushes herself up against him, biting her lip.

“Is that how you say goodbye to me, Blake Shelton?” She crooks her brow. “ _Really_?”

He chuckles. “Is there something else you want?”

She purses her lips, shrugging.

“There’s a _lot_ I want but I can’t do any of that now, so…”

Blake grunts, still not immune to her teasing ways.

He leans down and gives her a kiss on the lips, careful not to take it too far, knowing there are three pairs of eyes on them. He grins against her mouth when he hears loud chatter coming from the hallway and Gwen looks back at her children with a look of playful disdain.

“I guess you should get going.” She whispers, reluctantly pushing herself out of his arms.

“I’ll call you when we get there.” Blake says, meeting the children who are quick to run out to his truck. He smiles to himself when he realizes how badly he missed this. He’s gotten to hang out with the kids again, but he hasn’t been able to bring them back to his ranch in forever. It takes a while to get all the boys situated and strapped in, but once they are, traffic appears to be light and the drive to the airport goes smoother than usual.

-x-

He’s glad he’s taken care of most of the maintenance before the kids came. As much as he tries to attend to some of his crops and gardening, it’s nearly impossible with three rowdy boys running around. Truthfully, he doesn’t have it in him to focus on anything _but_ them. It’s a sight he’s missed so much; the three of them running around, making his place theirs.

He thought he had tired them out enough when he took them for a drive on the ATV’s and went deeper into the woods to turn over rocks and set crawfish traps, but they came back to the property just as energized. He’s still surprised by how easy the paternal instincts just kick in and it’s like no time has passed at all.

“Be careful climbing up there, maybe you need to hold ‘Pollo when you do that, he’s much smaller than you two.” Blake says loudly, hoping the kids even hear through their excited banter.

“We’re not going too high.” Kingston shouts back, his arms holding onto the top of the smaller stone wall that’s build around the pool bar.

Blake knows he’s got to figure something else out to do with them, to get their energy out now so they can have semi-normal dinner tonight. He’s been around plenty of evenings where that hadn’t been the case, and Gwen and he spent most of the meal trying to get them to act right. He’s thankful for their sweet nature but damn, do they have energy.

Definitely Gwen’s children.

Between keeping an eye out on the boys playing outside, he tries to tidy up the place a bit for when his sister arrives later tonight. It will be nice for the kids to have Ryan and Jace there to play with too, and Blake doesn’t mind having two more adults around to keep things going smoothly.

He finds the rubber ball Apollo has been throwing around laying behind the couch, and crouches down and throws it out on the patio. He knows one of the kids will pick it up sooner or later.

He’s about to rummage through his kitchen cabinets to ponder over what to cook when a shrill cry reaches his ears. He knew this would happen at some point, the rowdy playing the kids were doing only calling for one result, and one result only.

Apollo’s cries get louder and Blake’s immediate instinct is to walk a bit faster, looking around him frantically until he finds the little guy on the ground, tightly holding his knee.

“What happened?” He asks, looking at Apollo but speaking to all the kids. He crouches down to his level and covers the tiny hand on top of the toddler’s knee. “Can you let me see?”

“We told him not to go too high but he wouldn’t listen.” Kingston said. “He couldn’t keep himself up and he fell down. Hit and scraped his knee real bad.”

Cuts and scrapes happen to kids all the time, he knows this, but still he finds himself panicking. He succeeds in moving the kid’s hand away and inspects the wound thoroughly. The little guy has an ugly cut on his knee, black dirt and blood staining his skin. From what Blake can see, the cut itself isn’t too deep, just large, and the scraped skin looking a bit irritated.

“I told you guys to be careful climbing on that thing.” Blake says, not trying to sound too angry while making sure to reprimand them. “Your brother could’ve gotten seriously injured, the two of you as well.”

“Sorry Blake.” Zuma says quietly, obviously shocked at watching Apollo fall off.

Blake sighs deeply, picking a still crying Apollo up from the ground and carrying him on his hip.

“I’m gonna clean his knee and then I want you guys inside.”

His voice is still coming out a bit rougher than intended, the initial shock not quite yet subsiding. The last time he spent time with the boys here, Apollo mostly stuck to his and Gwen’s side, not all that mobile. Things sure had seemed to change in a year.

Kingston and Zuma look a bit deflated but nod nonetheless, and Blake bites his lip.

“It’s okay, I know it was an accident.” Blake says softer than before, noticing the lingering shock on the children’s faces as well. “How about you guys come inside in a few minutes and help me get dinner ready? I could use some help.”

Apollo, who’s still crying, holds on to Blake’s neck with two arms, clinging himself tightly against him. The other two boys nod and smile softly, obviously intrigued by the idea of getting to help and relieved that he no longer seems upset with them.

Blake walks back inside, soothingly rubbing Apollo’s back as he carries him to the bathroom.

He sets him down on the vanity gently, rummaging through the cabinet above his head. The small child continues to sniffle, his little cheeks wet and puffy.

“Try not to touch it, buddy.” Blake instructs softly, watching as his little hand tries to wrap around the wound again.

Blake reaches underneath the vanity, where he keeps the wash cloths, and pulls one out and holds it under the faucet. He brings one hand to Apollo’s face, brushing a strand of hair out of his face.

“I’m gonna carefully wash away the dirt, okay?” The toddler’s face scrunches up at the idea of Blake getting close to where it hurts. “I’m not gonna press on it, just around.”

The kid sniffles some more and makes a whimpering sound when Blake starts to softly touch the cloth against the irritated skin. He makes sure to get as much of the dirt out as possible, speaking gentle encouragements whenever Apollo panics.

He just hopes the child is unable to detect his own panic. It hasn’t been often that he’s had to deal with situations like this, and especially not without Gwen. His confidence level when it comes to parenting have hit an immense blow after the break up and he’s finding out the consequences of that now.

“Almost done.” He whispers, putting aside the washcloth and reaching for the Neosporin he found in the cabinets. He applies a thin layer on the surface, causing Apollo to cry again. He’s pretty sure it’s out of fear more than it’s about the pain, but he winces anyway. “I’m sorry. We’re almost done.”

The scrape seems clean as far as he can see and he’s quick with applying the bandage. Apollo’s red eyes look up at him a bit fearful and Blake smiles sympathetically.

“It’s all over now, buddy.” Blake affirms. “You gotta be careful now, okay? No more climbing on the wall, alright?”

He sniffles and nods. “Am I gonna get a big scar?”

“Not at all, bud. Look…” Blake points at the package of Neosporin and hands it to him. “This is a special cream that prevents that. We just gotta keep putting it on there if it continues to hurt, that way we can keep it healthy.”

“Keep my knee healthy?” Apollo whispers, intrigued by the words.

Blake hums. “Exactly. All the big boys use this whenever they get some scrapes.”

His eyes widen. “Maybe we need to put on more!”

Blake chuckles. “Too much isn’t good either. I think it’s perfect for right now, but tell you what, if it still hurts tomorrow, we can put on some more.”

Blake helps him down the vanity and carefully eyes him when he’s up on two feet again. He watches as the smaller child winces a little but soon after rushes out of there to join his brothers inside. He takes a deep breath of relief at seeing that his knee isn’t hurting as bad as it did in the beginning.

All the boys are settled around the TV by the time he starts dinner, following his instructions of wrapping it up outside but ignoring the one where he asked them to help in the kitchen. He chuckles to himself before breaking their bubble.

“Any of you wanna stop being lazy and help me out?” He smiles playfully, watching as Kingston slowly turns his head away from the television.

“Can you wait five minutes?”

The boy sounds much more mature than Blake remembered him, and he bites his lip at the realization that soon they’ll be dealing with an actual moody teenager.

“If you want me to burn your food, sure…”

“I’ll help.” Zuma pipes up, pushing himself off the couch while heading for the sink. Blake pets the middle child on the back while he’s taking the liberty to wash his hands.

“I’ve got some garlic, basil and thyme right here.” Blake instructs him slowly as he’s standing next to him, overlooking the counter. “You can just pick whatever ingredient you’d like to add first and sprinkle it over the pan. Try to spread it out a little, so it doesn’t all stay in one place. And then do that with the other two ingredients as well.”

Zuma pays focused attention to his instructions and nods.

“Can I swirl it around?” He asks while his eyes go to the ladle sticking out of the pan, curiously.

“Sure you can. Just don’t stir it too long, you don’t want it to become runny.”

Blake makes sure to keep a close eye on the kid while cooking, still a bit shaky from the accident that happened earlier. Realistically, he knows those things happen all the time, but he feels exceptionally guilty it had to happen during one of the first times he’s had them all together, alone.

He’s spent a year going without that imbedded instinct being necessarily used, and there’s an irrational insecurity that makes him doubt if he still has it. It’s been an ongoing argument in his previous marriage to Miranda and it still sometimes proves to be heavy to get rid of.

Zuma continues to add ingredients in the pan and steer carefully with a big smile on his face, and the two other boys seem perfectly content in front of the TV.

Maybe he isn’t all that bad.

-x-

“They are absolutely exhausted. It’s nine o’clock right now and they’ve been in bed for thirty minutes, haven’t heard a peep.”

Gwen looks exceptionally gorgeous, her blonde hair falling messily across her pillow, while her perfect upper body is covered in a small tank top. She’s pushed up on her elbow, biting her lip.

“It’s so weird knowing they’re with you and I’m here.” She whispers. “It’s like I miss all of you even more now.”

“Aw, sweetheart, it’s only for one weekend.”

She smiles. “I know. And I’m so happy they’re with you, I mean that. I have absolutely no worries at all, I just miss my four boys, that’s all.”

Blake sighs deeply, her words so beautiful and yet he’s stuck on the one thing he hasn’t told her yet.

“I gotta tell you something, baby.”

Her brow raises. “ _Okay_ …”

“It’s not that bad, it’s just…” He rubs at the back of his head and sighs. “Today the boys were messing around outside and Apollo fell from the little stone wall surrounding the pool bar, and I didn’t see it in time to stop it. He scraped his knee, bruised it pretty badly.”

He stares at her face on the screen, watches as she stacks the phone up against the pillow across from her.

“Did you clean it?” She asks softly.

“Yes, immediately, disinfected it too. I think it’ll be fine now, it’s just stupid—I should’ve kept my eye on them and stopped them from climbing on it immediately. I was just busy doing some other stuff and I know that’s not an excuse. I should’ve been there, I’m sorry.”

“Blake…” She breathes, watching him with a small smile that confuses him. “Kids fall, especially mine. Unfortunately they inherited my energy and there’s no reeling them in.”

“You’re not mad?” He inquires.

“Why would I be mad?”

There’s a brief silence.

“You trusted me with them, to keep them safe, and I let Apollo get hurt.”

“From what I’ve heard, you kept them busy all day and exhausted them thoroughly. They had a blast today, Blake. You can’t always prevent these small accidents from happening.”

He lets out the deep sigh he’d been holding, sinking back against the stacked up pillow.

“Have you been beating yourself up about this all day?” She asks sadly.

“It’s just been so long since I’ve had them here and I wanted everything to go perfect. I wanted to show you that I can still be that parental figure they need.”

“You are.” She insists.

“Sometimes I doubt it.”

She stays silent.

“I love them with all my heart, you know?” He continues softly, watching as a genuine smile appears on her face. “I just want to protect them, be around them. I’m scared I’m gonna mess up.”

“Cowboy…” She chuckles breathily. “I know you love them and more importantly, _they_ know. But you can’t put this much pressure on yourself to be perfect, it’s not realistic. You are an amazing father to these boys, we’re literally so lucky. Even when I didn’t make it easy for you, somehow you managed to be there for them and continue to make them feel important. I promise you, not a day goes by where they don’t rave about you. If you’re worried you won’t be making a positive impression on them, let me ease that worry for you right now—you already have left the most positive imprint on their lives and you will continue to do so just by being there. It’s just a gift you have.”

By the end of her little speech, he feels his eyes watering and his heart beating fast. Somehow she’d managed to take every insecurity of his by the root and smooth it over.

“Thank you Gwen.” He whispers. “You don’t even know how badly I needed to hear those words. I promise I don’t take being in their lives for granted.”

“I know you don’t.” She says.

“I just need to get used to this again, I suppose.”

Gwen nods, looking at him sweetly. “If it’s too much for you right now…”

“It’s not.” He interrupts quickly. “God, it’s amazing. I love having them around.”

“I can’t wait to see you all again, especially you Blakey….”

Her voice trails off suggestively and he’s too weak to ignore it.

“Really?” He hums. “And why’s that?”

“For starters, you’re looking really good in that shirt right now.” She says, biting her lip. “And secondly, you _know_ how much you being a protective dad turns me on.”

She’s grinning at him while he grunts, licking his lips. “Care to give me a little teaser?”

She chuckles. “Don’t think so. You’ll have to wait till you get back.”

“Damn it, Gwen…”

“Love you, Blake. Don't beat yourself up any longer.”

He smiles, unable to pretend like he’s actually frustrated with her beyond just sexually. He holds her gaze and sees his whole life in those hazel pools of brown.

“I love you too.”


	13. let's spark the fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This might be the fluffiest fluff I've ever written. To everyone who's been asking, you shall receive..

“Did you pack enough drinks?”

Blake’s sorting through the cooler they’re taking on the boat, digging through the contents and looking up at his sister at the same time.

“We’re all good. Relax.”

Endy chuckles, patting him on the back. “These kids adore you. You know that, right?”

Blake smiles and closes the ice box, carrying it outside while his sister follows close by.

“Just making sure.” He says, knowing his looming insecurities are shining through and not feeling necessarily interested in acknowledging them today.

“Jace and Ryan are over the moon at seeing the kids again.” Endy says, picking up on her brother’s tactic to shift to a different subject.

Blake smiles gratefully. “It’s been too long since they’ve seen each other. Kids don’t understand these types of things.”

“It’s sure been weird not having them around.”

Blake scoffs. “Tell me about it.”

Endy bites her lip and turns to him. “Are you and Gwen…. _you know?_ ”

“Not yet.” He answers honestly, taking a few steps towards the dock and smiling when he sees his niece and nephew playing around with Gwen’s boys in the distance. Endy comes to stand next to him before he continues talking. “We’re taking things slow.”

He lowers the cooler into the pontoon boat.

“But you are slowly trying to get back together?” She pries.

It’s a conversation he didn’t intend on having this early, but he doesn’t blame his sister for asking the obvious question. Having the kids here for a weekend without Gwen’s supervision is a sign of regained trust that doesn’t come easy. They both know it.

“Yeah.” He nods, looking back at her. “We’re trying to be discreet about it, not wanting to give the kids false hope. There’s still a lot to work on.”

“They’re so happy here, Gwen always looked the happiest here as well. We all miss them.”

Blake smiles sadly. “I know. Mom hasn’t stopped talking about it.”

“Well, she hasn’t seen you that happy that often. It’s normal for her to want the best for her kids—Gwen obviously was that for you.”  
“We messed a lot of things up when we broke up.” He says lowly, biting his lip. “It’s crazy to me how we just let that slip out of our hands like that. We should’ve fought harder.”

Endy grimaces a little and then gives him a sad smile. “That’s hindsight talk though. All you can do is fight like hell now.”

“I am.”

“Is she?”

“She’s trying. It’s not easy for her.”

His sister nods. “It’s not easy for you either.”

“I know that.”

“Does she?”

“Jesus En….” He sighs deeply. “What’s up with all the questions?”

She bites her lip, looking conflicted.

“Spit it out.” Blake urges her, fighting his annoyance.

“I’m just worried that _your_ feelings, _your_ struggles are being swept under the rug while you fight for her.” She admits. “I’ve seen you do it before, you fight like hell for the people you love and you forget yourself, erase your own needs. I don’t want you to do that this time, not even for her. And I love Gwen, you know that.”

He clears his throat, this conversation somehow feeling like he’s about to take a dive off the high board.

“It’s not like that this time.” He responds, shaking his head. “With Miranda, I fought for something that didn’t exist. What I fight for with Gwen…. that’s been there, always will be. She gives me something I never thought I’d find in anyone. I can’t just let that go.”

“I’m not saying it’s completely the same….” Endy starts, but Blake cuts her off.

“It’s not at _all_ the same. I love Gwen because of everything she is and everything she isn’t. The way she and I came together….it just felt like home, like that’s not an accident.” He gushes. “When I proposed to her, I was the most sure I’ve ever been in my life. And after everything that happened, I still am.”

His sister swallows.

“Would you still marry her?”

He glances over at her instantly.

“In a heartbeat.”

He’s met with a silence that unnerves him, but her smile that breaks out on her lips next takes away most of his impending worries.

“That’s all I needed to hear, Blake.” She says softly. “Don’t be mad at me askin’, I literally had to know.”

Blake chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck as he feels the sudden weight of his admission.

“I’m not mad.”

“Good. Now let’s call the kids, I’m sure they’re dying to get on the lake.”

-x-

He’d been driving around the lake for about thirty minutes before the kids got impatient and wanted to float and swim. Being on the water with them is much different from whenever he’s done this with just Gwen. The driving around and floating is a lot less chaotic and often times, slightly more inappropriate when it's just them.

It’s hard not to think about her while being here with the kids, and he’s glad when the loud splashing and gleeful sounds distract him for a while.

He’d killed the engine at a reasonable distance from his dock, near a secluded area. The children had waited less than a minute after the boat came to a stop before they’d jumped in. Blake had made sure they were all properly dressed and ready, Mike and Endy overviewing the situation.

Apollo had stayed behind and crawled onto his lap, more intrigued by the technical aspect of the boat then with the water below.

“You sure you don’t want to swim, buddy? I can go in with you, we’ll put on your vest?”

The little kid shakes his head.

“Wanna stay here. Drive the boat.”

“We can’t drive the boat right now, bud. You can sit here when we go back home, after everyone’s done swimming.”

There’s a shimmer of disappointment that graces his features, but he nods in agreement regardless. Apollo gets distracted by the cooler in the back and retracts his own package of juice.

Blake chuckles, turning his attention to Endy.

“Is it weird that sometimes I see him do things that remind me of myself when I was younger?”

“You mean like grabbing a juice box?” She teases.

He rolls his eyes. “Like always following his own path, staying behind and doing whatever it is he feels like doing. It’s like he doesn’t feel the pressure from the older kids at all. And the excessive interest in everything outdoors? I can spend hours with that kid turning rocks or fishing and he won’t get bored. It’s like he’s a mini version of me sometimes, which I know isn’t rational cause he isn’t mine…officially, y’know?”

“I get what you’re saying.” She says, leaning back into the arms of her husband. “But you’ve been in his life ever since the beginning, it’s not weird for him to take over some of your traits after being around you for so many years, pivotal ones at that.”

The moment gets interrupted by Kingston’s loud voice coming from the water.

“Blake, can you lower down the ladder? We want to get out.”

He pushes himself away from the steering wheel and holds onto Apollo as the boat dips slightly when he squats down to find the latter.

“Ready?” Blake asks enthusiastically, looking at the happy faces of all the kids gathering in the water, ready to climb back on the boat.

“Ready!”

He lowers it until the kids are able to get their hands on the railing, pulling themselves up. Their dripping bodies create a pool of water that makes the whole boat slippery, and he softly instructs them to be careful while walking around.

He hands them all a towel and makes sure they’re all staying hydrated by giving them their juice box. The loud chatter continues for the remainder of the ride and he wouldn’t want it any other way.

“How about you come sit with me and help me drive back home?” He asks Apollo, watching his little face light up.

“Yes Blakey, watch me drive the boat!”

-x-

Blake just stands back with a large smile as the kids’ swarm Gwen for hugs and kisses, in between babbling about their Oklahoma adventures. He can’t lie, the pure excitement that radiates off those boys at the recollection of his ranch makes him feel like he’s ten feet tall. He’s a little restless to get a bit more of Gwen himself, but he figured out quickly when they started dating that he’d get blocked by her kids in more ways than one. And he was grateful for every single moment, just because it meant he got to be around all of them. He’s just as grateful now, staying back with his hands in his pockets, leaning against the wall.

“I was driving the boat.” Apollo recalls proudly, pulling at Gwen’s shirt while he talks. Kingston scolds his little brother for talking out of turn and goes on about his own adventures on the boat and Zuma’s voice tries to cut in every once in a while, to show him a peculiar looking rock he found in the woods. It’s pure and utter chaos and Blake loves it.

“I’m glad you all had so much fun.” Gwen says sweetly, hugging her kids tightly against her. He knows she missed them greatly and being all alone in this house is something she hates more than anything.

“Can we go back again soon?” Kingston asks, this time diverting his attention to Blake.

He smiles widely. “I’d love to bud. Next time we’ll have to bring your mom too.”

The words are out before he’s had time to think, but instead of shock he sees nothing but happiness on her features.

Gwen smiles at him and bites her lip.

“I think that sounds like a great plan.” She says, confirmatively.

“So you’re back together again?” Kingston asks hopefully, eyes going up to his mom.

Blake isn’t fully prepared for that question and doesn’t quite know how to help her out of this one. He looks up at Gwen, who seems a bit more equipped to handle the question.

“We’re friends for now.” She says, ruffling King’s hair. “But I missed you guys so much while you were away and Blake knows that. I would love to spend some time at the ranch too, spend time with all of you there…”

“And with Blake.” Kingston comments smartly.

“And with Blake too.” She confirms. “I don’t want you guys worrying about that though, we’re just friends and if that ever changes, you’ll be the first to know. But that’s grown people business, that’s not something I want you three to think about. We’re all just gonna spend a bit more time together, the five of us. Are you all okay with that?”

Blake’s chest flutters with the way she included him in her speech, the excitement from the three boys just icing on the cake.

“That’s awesome.” Zuma says.

“I agree.” Blake smiles, walking a little closer but remaining some distance between him and Gwen.

As much as he’d love to pull her in for a hug right now, he knows he can’t do that without confusing the kids.

“Why don’t you guys head upstairs and put away your bags? Afterwards I can make some pancakes for lunch, how does that sound?”

The boys nearly sprint upstairs at the mention of pancakes and Gwen chuckles.

Before she can even fully turn around, Blake has his arms wrapped around her back and presses her into him.

She reciprocates the embrace, inhaling his husky scent. Blake’s arms tighten around her, his nose nuzzling into her hair.

“God I fucking missed you.” He whispers, holding her, keeping an eye out for her kids who can come running downstairs at any moment.

“Come here.” She says, pulling away from him and grabbing his hand.

He’s reluctant at first, not ready to let go of her, but the tugging at his hand is so persistent he follows her into the kitchen. He smirks when he realizes she wanted to get them out of plain view, and his arms tug her back against his chest.

“This was whole sneaking around thing was your idea, remember?” He chuckles, biting his lip at her while refraining from kissing her.

“Don’t you guys find that hot?” She teases, running her hand up his arm.

“Yeah, but only when the sneaking around ends up with me—” She puts a finger against his lips, shushing him in time, preventing him from finishing his sentence.

He smirks behind her digit.

“I’m gonna need you to not finish that.” She whispers, biting her lip. “I’m trying really hard to be good here, Blake Shelton. I can’t have you making things harder for me.”

He smirks and bites her finger lightly before she retracts it.

“Let me get this straight; only _you_ are allowed to tease but not me?”

She runs a hand up his chest, resting it there. “Your whole existence is a tease, cowboy. You don’t need to do any of the extra stuff.”

He promised he swore to be good, but Gwen is just too much for him to handle sometimes. His hands pull at her hips, until she’s close enough for his mouth to descend onto hers. Her soft whimper is swallowed by him completely and it takes less than a second for Gwen to kiss him back with just as much vigor.

He softly parts her lips, sucking and licking at her as if she’s water and he’s a man dying of thirst. He wishes he could lift her off the ground, sit her on the counter and have his way with her right now, but he knows he’s got to suppress those primal desires.

Instead they kiss for a few more seconds before they part with a wet sound. He’s embarrassingly hard for the short amount of time they’ve been kissing, and Gwen’s next action doesn’t do anything to help his situation. She licks her thumb, swiping at his lips to get rid of some of her lipstick that was staining there.

“Can’t have you walking around with my lip gloss around my kids—they’ll know something’s up.” She smiles devilishly, biting her lip.

“You’re playing with fire.” He grunts.

She presses herself back against him, but this time rests her head against his chest. He’s sure she can feel his erection poking at her hip and he’s actually relieved she’s willing to stand there with him till he’s calmed down.

“Are you staying for pancakes?” She asks softly, doe eyes looking up at him.

“I’d love to.” He says quickly, smiling. “Are you sure we shouldn’t just say fuck it and just let me stay the night?”

She giggles. “You know we can’t.”

“I know, but I really want to.”

When she looks up again, he sees her promise right there in her eyes.

“Soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	14. say it again

It’s been an exceptionally long day, and just when he thought he and Gwen could relax a bit, her phone started ringing off the hook. He’d grunted when she left his arms and jumped off the couch, walking towards the kitchen area to take the call.

He could only hear bits and pieces of her conversation, but he knew it was her ex-husband on the other end of the line just by hearing Gwen’s voice. Ever since he’s gotten close to her, it dawned on him that she uses a different voice whenever she has the misfortune of needing to talk to the British man. There’s a layer of protection there that isn’t present with anyone else, and there’s frustration that simmers through every syllable.

He could wait for her on the couch until she’s done with her call, but Blake figures he could do something more valuable with his time. It’s nearly nine o’ clock and he’s relatively certain that she’s not gonna be in the mood for any more mindless television watching. He walks upstairs, hoping this idea won’t backfire. Gwen has been running around all day and insisted on cooking him dinner when he came over this evening. He knows she’s tired and just needs some relaxation. Especially after she gets off the phone. It’s times like these where his excessive knowledge about her can be put to great use.

Blake ushers up the stairs, walking straight into her bathroom. It’s crazy to him how much time has passed since he’d been up here, and yet it couldn’t feel more like home. It only makes his decision to finally get rid of his rental here in LA feel even healthier. Though it’s gonna be a bit of a drag to go between Oklahoma and California for the time being, he has high hopes that it won’t be for too long.

With the Voice being done, there’s no reason for him to stay here anyway whenever he’s not with Gwen or the kids.

He fills up the large bathtub until the foam bubbles cover the top. He’s not much of a bath person himself, mostly because of his physique that makes it highly uncomfortable, but he’d been turned on to the idea much more while he was dating Gwen. The many ways she showed him how a bath could be _highly_ pleasurable are permanently ingrained in his brain. Though, he’s sure she can make anything feel that way.

He hears slow footsteps coming up the stairs, the bathroom door creaking open further as she walks in. Her eyes widen as she sees the filled tub and Blake’s sheepish smile.

“Am I seeing this right?” She asks, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Are you really gonna take a bath?”

He chuckles, shaking his head.

“Not for me darlin’.” He drawls, walking closer and wrapping his arms around her. “You are.”

He can tell that her heart is heavy and the glossy sheen over her eyes makes him nudge her carefully.

“That’s so sweet.” She whispers, resting her head against his chest.

“Tell me what happened on the phone.” He says carefully, not wanting to push too fast, but also not wanting to be kept out of the loop. Not when there’s something obviously bothering her.

“Just the usual.” She whispers, her voice low and scratchy. “He’s making a problem out of nothing, expecting me to just drop everything and fix it.”

Blake cups her cheeks, his thumbs keeping her hair out of her face.

“Like what?” He asks, as he can’t help but pry a little.

“He wants to take the kids to England for a week during the holidays, to spend his birthday there, but that means he’ll have them for Thanksgiving too. I told him he could take them from the 30th but he wants them the week _leading up_ to that. It’s just like he’s purposefully trying to make co-parenting harder. He doesn’t even have a real explanation for why he wants them that particular week.”

“Okay, well he can’t have them the week leading up.” Blake says simply. “Make it his problem.”

She shakes her head, his hands moving with her, continuing to cup her face.

“It’s not that easy. We gotta compromise, plus I always have them on Thanksgiving. He threw that in my face too.”

“It’s an American holiday.” Blake says exasperated. “He doesn’t even celebrate.”

“I know that, Blake.” Gwen sighs, dropping her gaze to the floor. “But he’s also their father and I can’t just shut down his wishes like they don’t matter. I need to take them into consideration.”

“You just did.” He murmurs, lifting her face up again. “But Gwen, this is something that he is doing on purpose, he’s just messing with you.”

“Yeah, well a judge might not see it that way.”

Blake makes a confused face, brow raising. “You really think he’d take it that far?”

“Not about this, no.” She replies softly, swallowing. “But he told me before that every time I deny him anything regarding the kids is just ammunition he can use if it ever _does_ come to that. You’re underestimating his pettiness, he will do whatever he can to make things harder on me. I just don’t want to make that easier for him.”

“Gwen…” He sighs, his heart breaking all over again when he hears about the pull this man continues to have over her.

“Don’t look at me like that.” She says. “Please.”

“Come here.” He says, tugging her forward and turning her back to him. He softly starts to lift her shirt over her head, his finger thumbing at the claps of her bra. He snaps that off quickly, letting it fall to the ground with a soft thud.

“I don’t want the water to go cold.” He murmurs against her shoulders, watching her skin erupt in goosebumps.

His hands slide to her hips and she starts unzipping her pants before he can even instruct her to. He helps tugging them down her legs completely, until she can easily step out of them.

Her naked body in front of him instantly affects him, his throat closing painfully. He clears his throat and sounds low and raspy when he speaks.

“Wait.” He says, before she can dip her toe in the water disguised by a thick layer of bubbles. “Turn around.”

She looks surprised, but puts her foot back on the ground and turns to look at him. His eyes darken and his smile widens as he approaches her. He acts quick, pulling her naked body into him and planting a deep kiss on her mouth.

“Do you know how many times I’ve had to stop myself from kissing you?” He asks against her lips, pushing her even closer against him. “God, I lost count but by now, it’s up in the thousands somewhere.”

He can smell the white wine they’ve had earlier on her breath, mixed with the fruity scent of that damn lipgloss she insists on wearing all the time. He has to swallow a moan because to him, it’s what sex smells like.

“You can always kiss me.” She whispers, her voice hoarse.

Their eyes meet and he smirks, tapping her ass lightly, indicating she should step into the bath.

“That’s not true.” He says, his eyes following her every movement until she’s comfortably settled down in the tub. “Whenever the kids are around, I have to refrain myself.”

He sits down on the edge of the tub, the stark contrast of him fully clothed and her completely naked only adding to the tension.

“I’m sorry about that.” She says softly, gaze dropping down again. “I know it’s not your ideal situation. I feel like I’m just fucking up on all fronts right now.”

Her sigh is loud and he understands now that everything she’s been dealing with is much deeper than he initially realized.

“Baby, no you’re not.” He says slowly, his hand caressing her shoulder. He tries kneading out a bit of the tension, urging her to lay back a little, let the water caress her where his fingers can’t. “Listen to me, you will figure something out with Gavin. No matter what, this isn’t on you. You’re trying your best to work with him, but if he just can’t compromise— “

“It’s not just him.” She cuts in, looking at him apologetically. “I literally have seen you three times this week and we didn’t even get _one_ moment alone. I know you were here for the kids mostly, but I’ve just been running around like a crazy person, neglecting the one person I promised to give more of my time. And now you’re running a bath for me, being attentive as always, and I just…God Blake, I don’t deserve you.”

Her rant completely takes him by surprise, her words hurting him as much as they seem to torture her.

He shakes his head, lowering his head to hers and kisses her again. It’s a bit of an awkward position with her in the bath and him on the edge of it, but they make it work somehow. His hand slides to the back of her neck, holding her in place.

“Baby….” He whispers against her mouth. “You’re not neglecting me and you definitely do deserve me. Where is this coming from? Why didn’t you tell me earlier this is how you felt? I would’ve talked it out of your head way sooner.”

She sighs, her wet hands touching the stubble on his jaw and chin.

“I’m just really scared to mess this up again.”

He’s seriously regretting his decision to not get in there with her, but he holds out for the moment he can take her to the bedroom, show her exactly how much he appreciates everything she’s done for him and continues to do.

“You’re not going to mess this up.” He affirms, kissing her again. “We might not have gotten a lot of alone time recently, but it means a lot to me whenever you invited me over to spend time with the kids, or the fact that you decided to cook for me even though I really should’ve been the one taking care of you after the day you’ve had.”

“You are.” She replies softly, sinking further down into the water, a soft smile appearing on her lips.

He can finally see her starting to truly relax.

“You know what would’ve made this moment even more perfect?” She muses mindlessly, head turned up to the ceiling.

Blake smiles. “What, baby girl?”

“Wine. I should’ve brought my glass.”

He lets out a loud laugh, scoffing at her. “And here I was thinking that you were gonna say me in the tub with you.”

“That too.” She grins. “Though that would be a tight fit. Unless I’d just spent the entire time riding you of course, we might make a mess but at least it’d fit.”

He grunts, his pants tightening immediately.

“See, why do you have to go and say things like that?” He whines.

“You love it.”

He bites his lip, refraining from pulling her out of the tub and into the bedroom right away. At this point, even the bathroom vanity will do.

“How about we bring our glasses upstairs and just spend the rest of the evening in bed?”

Her eyes shimmer with excitement, her tongue coming out to lick her lips.

“That sounds like a great plan, cowboy.” She smiles. “Wow, you’re finally gonna sleep next to me again, in our bed.”

The word _our_ makes him feel things he hasn’t felt in a long time.

They fall back into a comfortable silence, the bad tension from earlier now completely evaporated by the warm water and love that radiates from the both of them.

-x-

He doesn’t even know when it happened, but he’s not complaining when he realizes Gwen is literally sitting on top of him, sipping from her wine as if she’s not using his hips as a seat currently.

One of his hands slides to her hips, softly kneading.

“The bed not comfortable enough for you?” He teases. “You gotta sit on top of me?”

She bites her lip and grinds into him purposefully, her body covered by nothing but her racy nightgown. His boxers do nothing to hide his pending arousal, and he chuckles when he catches her devilish stare.

“It appears to me like you have _zero_ reasons to be complaining.”

Blake smirks. “It appears to me like you’re being a smartass, Stefani.”

She looks at him teasingly, adjusting her position on top of him again, causing both maximum discomfort and maximum pleasure.

“What are you gonna do about it, Blakey?”

The sweet pet name paired with the suggestive insinuation has his mind spinning and his cock throbbing. This woman should not be this sexy. He’s pretty sure it’s illegal somewhere in California.

“I thought you wanted to finish your wine?” He asks, biting his lip. “At this rate, I’m not gonna let you do that. Just giving you a fair warning.”

“Hmmm.” She says, reaching over him to grab his own glass from the nightstand. She urges him up a little before holding the glass to his mouth and pouring the light liquid down his throat gently. The expensive wine glides down his throat, the image she’s making for on top of him mixed with the rather generous sip he’d been forced to take, makes swallowing much harder. Gwen kisses him immediately after as if she tries to taste the drops of alcohol on his tongue.

His hands wind around to the small of her back and force her deeper into him, his mouth using every trick in the arsenal to get her to release those gorgeous, breathy moans.

He catches them all in his mouth, the grinding she does on top of him quickly spiralling out of control and turning into a dirty gyration of both their hips. The eroticism of the moment is almost too much and Blake’s sure he’s gonna explode prematurely if she doesn’t touch him right now.

It’s been too long, too fucking long since he’s been in this bed with her. He can barely contain the violent throbbing that goes on in his body. His need for her actually _aching_.

He flips them around quickly, laughing when her hand accidentally knocks over her near empty wine glass on the nightstand.

“Shit. See, we’re already making a mess.” She giggles, biting her lip as he situates himself between her legs.

He kisses her soundly. “But it’s so worth it.”

He’s on his way to sliding down her body when two small but firm hands stop him. He looks up at her confused, worried he might’ve taken things too far too fast.

“Next time.” She whispers, a soft flush appearing on her skin. “I just want you to go inside right now, no foreplay, I can’t handle that this time.”

He moves up to her lips again, nipping at them gently.

“Do you know how long I’ve waited for this moment, Gwen?” He asks lowly, his hands caressing down her chest.

The moment is so emotionally charged; he feels his chest tighten and he can tell by the way her chest heaves that she’s feeling the same way.

His fingers slide in between her thighs, her nightgown giving him easy access to feel how ready she is for him. He quickly gets rid of his boxers, finally freed from the strict confinement. He’s been incredibly turned on ever since he poured her a bath, and he can only hope this moment doesn’t turn out to be over embarrassingly quick.

She slips her hands up to her shoulders, pulling the straps of her gown down until it’s completely off her body. Her naked body is enough to send him into another tailspin and he can’t help but kiss her again, hotly.

She moans, kissing him back with everything she has, and every inch of his skin tingles.

“You really want this?” She asks on a warble. “You’re not gonna change your…”

“ _Gwen_.” He whispers, looking down at her. He sees her eyes glisten in the slight moonlight peeking through her window. He knows she’s crying. He takes a breath, knowing he’s safe with her and sniffles to let her know she’s not the only one who’s all in with this. “I love you. There’s no one else I want to be with, or spend my life with. I love you, I always have, always will.”

“Say it again.” She pleas, and she closes her eyes, feels him moving.

His hands scoop behind her knees, making her thighs wrap him up.

“Blake.” She says softer than he’s ever heard her speak before.

“I love you.” He says just as softly, and he kisses her again as he slowly pushes into her, sealing the promise he just made.

Their skin crashes together, the small stripe of light that fills the room causes him to see the tears slowly running out of the corners of her eyes. He kisses them away, whispering to her again.

“I love you.”

He laughs breathily when a tear of his own lands on her cheek.

It’s slow, deep, powerful. It’s everything.

She clutches his shoulder blades, rolls her body beneath his to meet every single thrust. He knew that the first time sleeping together in her bed would be a spiritual experience, but this one sexual encounter erases everything he thought he knew about sex. After a year of hopelessly falling, it is now that he feels like he’s finally landing.

And the blast isn’t nearly as fatal as he’d feared.

“Blake.” She moans, scraping her nails down his back. “Oh God.”

He silences her with a kiss and her body tightens around him, giving him what he wants and letting him give her everything she needs. He marvels at how good she feels, how good she sounds. He drags his hands down her body as he moves deeper. He murmurs sweet nothings against her neck before dropping his head to hers, kissing her as he spills into her.

He nuzzles her nose. “Shit, baby.”

“I love you so much.” Her chest is heaving against his, one of his hands running down her face. “I never loved anyone this much.”

Her hands slip up his scratched up back, running through his short hair that rests at the sides of his head. He can smell the scent of her fruity body lotion mix with his aftershave and it’s his absolute favorite scent in the world.

His whole weight rests between her thighs and chest, but she doesn’t seem to mind, her arms just wrap around him even tighter.

His heart is beating wildly against hers.

“That was….”

“Everything.” She finishes for him on a whisper.

“Yeah.”

“This whole weekend…” She says, kissing the top of his head. “…. You’re mine. I don’t want you to leave this bed at all.”

He chuckles. “I don’t know how hygienic that would be.”

“I don’t care.”

He hums. “Are you sure you’re up for that kind of commitment? I mean, we have a year of catching up to do. You can’t expect me to lay in a bed with you and behave.”

He feels her shake her head and he smiles against her chest, her words only filling him with more joy.

“Behaving is the _last_ thing I want you to do.”


	15. reminisce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As this story is nearing its end, I'd like to take the opportunity to give a final warning. There's still a little bit of angst coming your way, so enjoy this third consecutive fluffy/smutty chapter, as the next one will be slightly different.
> 
> Enjoy.

“Baby come back to bed.” He murmurs, toying with the hem of his grey t-shirt. He’s in nothing but his shirt and boxers in their old bed and the thought of her already leaving his side is heartbreaking.

He tried tugging her back but she’d just wiggled her cute little behind and stuck her tongue out at him in response.

“Just a sec.” She says from the other room, the sound of Gwen rummaging through something in Apollo’s bedroom loud to his ears.

“What the hell are you doing anyway?” Blake asks, brows raised while he sits back against the pillows.

“Looking for something.”

Blake snorts. “No shit.”

“Be patient.” She fires back, and he can hear the smug smile in her voice.

He sighs deeply, realizing there’s no way he can get her back into this bed any faster. After the night they had, he figured he had tired her out enough to not be able to move the next morning, but perhaps he’d underestimated her. They’d woken each other up at least three times last night, each time to make love harder and louder than the time before. His back has multiple marks to prove it, and her neck and shoulders are touched up with the mean marks of his teeth and lips.

She finally wanders back into the bedroom five minutes later, an unfamiliar box in her hands. There’s writing on it with a black marker but he can’t make out what it says, the label turned to her chest.

“What’s that?”

She smiles. “Something I think we should take a look at together.”

He watches as she lowers herself back onto the mattress, scooting closer to him until his arm is capable of reaching around her shoulders to press her close. Even after a full night of lovemaking and sweating, he can still smell her fruity shampoo and the lotion she rubs all over her body each night.

Her slim fingers open the top of the box, letting the contents be seen by him for the first time.

He brings his hand to reach inside, eyes squinting as he lifts out a familiar photograph. One he hasn’t seen in over a year.

“That’s from when Apollo and I went fishing.” He smiles at the memory. “He didn’t have the patience but we just let him reel the fish in whenever I caught one.”

“He was so proud each time too.” Gwen laughs. “It was so cute. I love this picture so much; the both of you look so happy and content. Like the world could catch on fire and you two would be perfectly fine with staying right there.”

He looks at her with a smile, his eyes soft. “I didn’t even know you kept that photo.”

“I kept all of them.” She admits. “I put most of them in this box because it was too hard to look at most days. I just had to put them somewhere where I wouldn’t constantly run into them.”

“I understand.” Blake says softly, biting his lip. “Why Apollo’s room though?”

“He has the most room in his closet, plus he’s the only child who wouldn’t care enough to dig into them. The other two are too old to be hiding sensitive stuff around.”

“Fair point.” He concedes. “What else is in there?”

His curiosity is definitely winning out.

She chuckles before digging through the box on her lap and reveals an old crumbled up receipt.

Blake frowns again, taking the shrivelled looking paper out of her hands and opens it carefully.

“What is this?”

“Just look again.” She urges.

_The providence._

He inspects the receipt like he would a contract and chuckles at the insane price listed below.

“All this tells me is that this place is incredibly overpriced.”

“It’s the first time you took me out for dinner after we agreed on being boyfriend girlfriend.” She says with a slight blush on her cheeks.

His eyes widen. “How did _you_ end up with the receipt?”

She smiles. “Don’t worry, you were a complete gentleman and paid for the whole thing. You actually told me I couldn’t look at it, but you left it on the table and I just snuck it into my purse when you weren’t looking.”

His eyes widen, his heart hammering.

He never knew she kept things like that, never even suspected that she would care enough. But this is Gwen he’s talking about—the woman who cries at the Sound of Music and cares about every living organism on this planet.

“I can’t believe you kept that.” He whispers.

“I kept a lot of that stuff. I kept the first movie ticket you bought for the kids, this little bracelet that turned out to be too small but is so cute…” She lifts the dark-brown beaded bracelet up and smiles softly. “Oh and _this_!”

She almost squeals when she shows him a picture of him laying on the couch, right after she’d blown his mind with one of the most incredible orgasms of his life. His smile in the picture is a tired one, but damn it was he content.

“Jesus, that was— “

“I know.” She cuts him off with a grin. “A much beloved memory for the both of us.”

“Gwen, this is crazy, I don’t even know what to say.” He admits softly, looking through the box and finding numerous random pictures, postcards, receipts and even the first letter he ever wrote her before they officially became a thing four years ago. His hand reaches down a little lower, his nail hitting the carton bottom before brushing against a velvet smooth surface. His brow furrows as he moves around to grip it more forcefully and bring it up to their line of vision.

“ _Blake_ ….” She gasps, her face suddenly looking terrified instead of carelessly reminiscent.

His own heart feels like it has stopped for a few seconds, the little velvet box so familiar and so equally painful he almost wants to drop it. But he doesn’t. She kept it, all this time she couldn’t get rid of it.

He opens the jewellery box to reveal the stunning silver engagement ring. The diamond stares him right in the face, alongside the promise he made her that evening and still stands by today.

“I’m sorry, I forgot I had it in there, I— “

“You kept it.” He says, his voice soft but the words hitting like a sledgehammer.

_She kept it. She couldn’t get rid of it._

“I couldn’t throw it out, I didn’t want to.” She admits, her eyes no longer looking at his but instead staring at the covers underneath her. “That night you proposed to me was one of the most beautiful nights of my life and despite of what happened later, I still can’t describe what that moment felt like to me. It was like everything in my life suddenly made sense and no matter what, I will always cherish this and I hope that one day I can….” She shakes her head, voice breaking.

He wants to hear the ending to that sentence so bad, but he wants to kiss her even worse. He lifts the box off the bed and onto the nightstand, his body covering hers immediately.

“Blake—” She gasps, but his mouth cuts her off.

He kisses her with so much determination he’s afraid he’ll scare her, but it looks like it’s exactly what she needs too. Her mouth is hungry in reciprocating his kisses and it proves to be difficult to get rid of his boxers and shirt with her undivided attention.

Yet, he manages and takes off her underwear at the same time. Soon, both their clothes are lying in a pile on the floor, his dick in her left hand while she strokes slowly and kisses him roughly.

With a low chuckle he gives her a playful shove and smirks wickedly as she falls flat on the mattress.

“You fucking kept it.”

She nods, her lip sucked between her teeth as she waits for his next move. His heart hammers at the way she’s staring him down, as if this is the moment she’s been waiting for all along.

“I kept it all.” She tells him breathlessly.

“ _God_.” He spits out, and then drops himself to her, draping over her like a blanket. He kisses her stomach first, dipping his tongue into her navel and moans as she arches into him. “You drive me madly insane woman. I want to fuck you, Gwen. Hard.”

Her hands rake though his hair as he moves his lips upward, kissing her chest while she clenches her jaw to keep from crying out his name.

“And I want you to make all the sounds you want. Don’t hold back.”

With his tongue he grazes her neck, licks up to her chin and along her jaw. He grabs her legs in both of his hands as he finally slams his mouth over hers. He kisses her soundly as he spreads her thighs and pushes her legs up, settling between them.

“Fuck.” He breathes against their kiss as his head slips between her hot folds. “So wet.” He comments and groans as he begins to enter her.

“ _Please_.” She whimpers, head falling back immediately.

He grins, because despite taking it easy right now, he meant it when he said he wanted to fuck her. He needs it more desperately than he ever recalls needing anything.

Her nails scratch at his scalp as he pushes into her, his mouth catching her low moan.

“Blake.’ She cries softy, but when he thrusts further, her jaw drops and she moans again.

He can feel himself bottoming out and hit the deepest part of her when he pushes back in. It’s the oldest dance known to mankind, and yet it feels like it’s something they discovered right here, between the two of them in these sheets. Her fingers grip at the back of his neck when he starts pounding her harder, his own groans mixing with her soft whimpers.

It’s something they could never do with the kids in the same house, but whenever they have the luxury of having the space to themselves, he wants to make her scream.

He knows that he can.

Even though he wants to hear her sounds, he presses a thick and rough hand over her mouth and buries his head in the bend of her neck as he deliberately deepens his thrusts.

“Jesus you’re so fucking tight.” He pants against her skin.

Her eyes roll as the heat from his whispered words hit her ear, her fingers curling around his back. She rocks upward to meet his moves, his other hand pressing against the back of her thigh to hold her leg up farther.

The way he moves into her, slow, deep and hard, makes the bed move and creak beneath them. He presses down harder over her mouth before releasing her altogether and her loud moans are no longer muffled by his palm. He smirks as her cries get louder, her pleas get less coherent.

“I can’t hear you, Gwen. What do you want?” He teases.

Her nails dig into the skin of his shoulder blades, clenching and whiting beneath him as he picks up speed.

“Oh my god.” She pants, trying to grasp onto the sheets with her other hand, to keep herself from flying off the cliff already.

Normally he would be more careful not to hurt her, but he can’t fathom stopping when it feels this good and her pretty pleas to continue hit his ears. She’s looking like a damn showcase from this particular angle and it ignites a last-minute fury in his gut. The kind of ammunition he needs to speed up once more.

“Please Blake, I’m so close, I need it.”

It takes everything in him to not finish before her as he slams into her harder. Her big eyes stare up at him and what he sees in them stuns him into an intoxicated trance. She’s lost in a sea of emotions he’s never seen in anyone before, not like this.

He doesn’t look away, he _can’t_ , and as he slams into her harder, his hands push her legs back and down for leverage.

Her fingers link at the back of his neck and she breathes between kisses. He feels her muscle start to shake, and his thrusts only become more powerful as she clenches around him.

“Keep your eyes on me.” He commands when he realizes she’s about to close them, and she whimpers a confirmative response against his lips.

“I know.” He whispers, working through her tightness. “I love you, God I love you so much. Look at me, look at what you’re giving me.” She moves her head as it hits her, screaming into the pillow as her body trembles and shakes.

“That’s it baby.” He growls, thrusting as hard as he can as she rides it out.

He can’t hold back either, he growls again and as soon as he feels her bite his pulse point, he cums violently.

“Shit Blake.” She pants and whimpers, jaw slack and body sticky.

She sinks into the mattress under his weight and sighs when he drops his lips to hers again. He flips them over, tangling them in the sheets and pressing his lips to her forehead.

He presses delicate kisses all over her face as they both struggle to calm down. He moans her name when his dick twitches, still buried deep inside her.

“Damn it Blake, where did that come from suddenly?” She smiles when he calmly drags his fingers through her hair. “Not that I’m complaining, that was _hot_.”

“You keeping that ring….” He shakes his head, feeling another violent shudder go through his body at the mention. “It just made me realize how badly I want you to be me mine.”

She looks up at him with sweet eyes.

“I _am_ yours.”

“What were you gonna say before you cut yourself off?” He asks quietly, continuing to stroke through her hair.

“You mean before you fucked the living shit out of me?”

He chuckles. “That too.”

Her body wraps around him fully, before she settles there and sighs.

“I was gonna say that I hope that someday, I get the opportunity to slip that ring on again.”


	16. why would you stay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I warned you guys..

Blake had left the house early in the morning, meetings with his assistant and real estate agent very consistent now he decided to get rid of his rental. It was still a very weird idea, knowing he’d no longer have anything of his own here besides _them_. 

It was a seal of fate, a show of trust and determination to make it work this time and she didn’t take that gesture lightly.

The house had been eerily quiet due to the lack of children running around and she always felt the magnitude of that truth deeply, rattling her to her core. 

It’s the reason that when the doorbell rings, she takes extra long to open it. She’s not expecting visitors and she’s definitely not in the mood for social interactions, not when she’s in the process of digesting another week without her kids here. 

She still has to deal with Gavin’s request which starts to feel more and more like a demand. It’s something she tries not to think about too much, but she knows she can’t hold it off forever. A decision will have to be made, and likely in his favour.

Gwen’s slow with approaching the door, her jeans and oversized hoodie showing the lack of effort she put in today. She was supposed to brood and bathe in her own discomfort today, without anyone else asking for her time.

The door opens with a slight hint of hesitance on her part and when she takes in Steven’s frame on the other side, she understands why.

He’s looking obnoxiously put together, especially in contrast to her, and his small smile and young features make him look confident and just a little bit smug. 

He’s dressed in well fitting jeans and a Harvard shirt he just _loves_ to wear. It’s important for him to let people know where he’s been, what he can do, and Gwen wonders if she was actually dense enough to fall for it a few months ago. 

“Steven what... what are you doing here?” She stammers, her hand tightening around the doorknob. 

“I should’ve called but I figured this was more personal.” He shrugs, another smile directed her way. “Can I come in?”

“It’s not the best time to be honest...” It’s not really a lie, though she must’ve known he wouldn’t fall for it. There would never be a right time in her eyes and they both know it.

“I just need to talk to you, Gwen. Please. You owe me that much.”

Though she knows she technically did nothing wrong, they’re the magic words to letting him inside.

He made it very clear back then that this was nothing but sex and some occasional lacklustre conversations. Her pushing for more was always met with swift rejection and when she finally took that next step with Blake, she made sure to call him the next morning to tell him they couldn’t keep doing whatever they had been doing. 

“You want anything to drink?” She asks reluctantly, walking toward the kitchen. “I don’t have much but— “

“—Sit down for a second.” He says, cutting her off while taking place on her couch in that careless manner he used to do many times before. “Please.” He adds.

She sighs, her unjust guilt winning over and causing her to sit down next to him, keeping a comfortable distance. 

“You look.... tired.” He observes, causing Gwen to snort.

“Thanks.”

“Where’s Blake?”

“Steven...”

“I know you went back to him and that’s why you broke things off with me.”

“I would hardly say we had anything to break off.” She says. “You didn’t really want anything serious with me.”

“I wasn’t ready.”

“And that’s okay.” She says honestly, nodding. “I know a thing or two about not being ready for something and walking away.”

He nods. “But I’m ready now.”

Her eyes widen, wincing when he takes the liberty to close some distance between them. 

“What?”

“I’ve been thinking about it and I know what you need, what you want. Why go back to someone who already failed you once?”

“You already failed me once too.” She responds, not wanting to have this conversation at all.

“But like you said, we didn’t date. I wouldn’t fail you if you were officially mine.” He says. “I damn sure wouldn’t propose to you and then walk away like it’s the easiest damn thing in the world.”

“Excuse me?” Her eyes narrow while she stands up on her feet, looking at him directly. “This is a bad idea. You should go.”

He rises fast and follows her to the door, but leans against the wall instead of walking out like she’d wanted him to.

“You’re upset cause you know I’m right.”

“I’m upset because you’re out of line.”

He smiles and walks closer to her, his hand moving to her waist and pulls her closer to him. Her heart hammers in her throat as he’s bringing his other hand to her chin. 

“He doesn’t deserve you.”

She swallows roughly and tries to wiggle out of his grasp but his grip is too strong. 

“Let go.” She whispers.

“You’re a beautiful woman Gwen, strong too, but you need someone even stronger to hold you down. You think you know what you need but you don’t. I know what you need and I plan on giving it to you.”

She knows what’s coming next and before he gets the chance to do so, she’s pushing against his hold and manages to break free. 

She shakes her head and pulls open the door, pointing at her driveway.

“You need to leave. _Now_.”

“Gwen— “

“—I’m serious.” She interjects, feeling the tears spring to her eyes. “I want you out of my house. I told you what I wanted and that won’t change. If you care about me even a little bit, you accept that and leave. And don’t come back.”

“You’re making a mistake.”

“Then let me make it.” She hisses.

“Just like you going back to Blake?”

“And I would make it again.”

He looks at her with a mix of anger and defeat in his eyes and she knows exactly what it is. It’s never been about _her_ for Steven. It’s the defeat of losing her to someone else— someone older, someone more successful, someone _better_.

“Don’t say I didn’t try, Gwen.”

He walks towards her doorstep, lingering in the doorway a second too long.

“Please leave.” She repeats, close to her breaking point.

He mutters something under his breath and she’s sure she should be grateful for not catching it.

She closes the door the second he’s out of her house and she waits against the door to hear his car taking off. She lets out the breath she’s been holding all along and tries to calm the beating of her heart. A few tears escape her eyes and she flinches when her phone starts ringing. She grabs it with shaky hands, watching Kingston’s name appear on her screen. She whisks her tears away and clears her throat, forcing a cheery voice out.

“Hey baby.”

“Mom?” The sound of his voice is lower and less patient than usual and with her luck, she’s about to have her second difficult conversation of the day. 

“Everything alright, King?”

“Is is true you won’t let us go to England with dad?”

Her eyes fill again immediately, shocked that her ex husband would stoop as low as using the kids to get what he wants. 

“Sweetheart it’s difficult, I’m not trying to keep you from your father at all. We’re just trying to work out some details.”

“He said you don’t want us to go to England because you’re afraid we’ll start liking it there more than in Oklahoma.”

Her heart feels like it plummets all the way to her feet. “That’s not—” She cuts herself off, not wanting to make any of this their problem. “I want what’s best for you and your brothers, and so does your dad. We just need to agree on what that is but that doesn’t concern you or your brothers. Please don’t worry about any of this, we will figure it out.”

“Dad’s super sad about it mom, you gotta let us go to England.”

“Baby...”

“He’s right, you’re just being selfish.”

“ _Kingston_!” She scolds him, her breathing coming out ragged and short. 

“You’re treating me like a baby but I know you want to marry Blake so he can be our new dad.”

“That’s absolutely not true.” She gasps, gripping the edge of the kitchen table for support. “Gavin will always be your dad, always.”

“Then let us go to England.”

“We’re done discussing this King. This is something between your dad and I and— “

“You’re making dad upset and we can’t even go home, you’re making everything worse. I hate you.”

“Kingston James McGregor Rossdale.” She whispers, another tear falling down her cheek. “You apologize right now!”

Her words come out too breathy for them to be as strict as she would’ve wanted them to be, but her heart is cracking in a hundred little pieces.

“Dad is calling for me, I gotta go.”

“Don’t.” She says angrily, wiping at her face wildly when she hears the line disconnect.

“ _God damnit_.” She yells, throwing her phone on the table while leaning her body over it. She’s tired and scared, feeling old fears creep onto her like a familiar blanket she can’t shake off. Trapped beneath everything she’s been through and everything she doesn’t think she can endure again. It’s the same dance she’s done before and it’s crippling her with anxiety.

She cannot begin to explain the level of helplessness coursing through her body. Despite her best efforts to make things easier on everyone, she seemed to fall short on all fronts. Leaving Blake back then seemed like the best option considering his less than active attitude towards their relationship. She knew holding on to someone too tightly only resulted in resentment and she couldn’t bear the thought of that happening with them. She’d rather let him go immediately than become a regret to him later. She had given Steven the chance to get to know her better which he shut down repeatedly and she still showed him the courtesy of calling things off with him before she got back with Blake. She knew she could probably fight the custody agreement harder in court, seeing as her ex-husband hadn’t been the most present parental figure in their lives, but she doesn’t think that would do her children a lot of good. Despite her own feelings towards the Englishman, he still remains their father and she won’t rob them of the opportunity to be with him. It’s becoming clear that Gavin hasn’t shown her the same courtesy of respect after the phone call she just had with her oldest.

No matter what she does, it can’t ever be enough.

_Some people are made for forever love, others are simply meant to grasp at it tirelessly without any luck._

She’s feeling that sentiment now more than ever.

She knows Blake is in his rental for one of the last times and the urge to get in her car and go see him is too huge to fight. Tears are still collecting in her eyes and her limbs feel heavy as she carries them into the black SUV. This will probably end up being a bad decision but she can’t stay here any longer. She can’t hold back these thoughts in her mind anymore either.

-x-

In the contrary of her slowness earlier, Blake’s door flies open quickly. The large smile on his face upon seeing her falls even quicker as he takes in her puffy red eyes and trembling chin.

“Gwen, what’s wrong baby?”

She hates how worried he immediately sounds, but she doesn’t have it in her to fake anything. The moment his caring words leave his lips, she’s breaking down on his doorstep.

Her sobs keep her from talking, her hand flying to her mouth to keep most of her sounds muffled.

“Hey.” He says, stepping forward and pressing her into his chest. “Baby, come here.”

He must be feeling her hesitance to let him hold her, the anxiety inside her keeping her from relaxing into his hold. She feels like she’s on the cusps of losing him again, and she wishes she could do something to get rid of these destructive thoughts in her mind. Not even Blake’s strong arms around her are enough to do so this time.

“What’s going on?” He asks again after a few minutes, rubbing slow circles on her back.

She just shakes her head against his chest, taking short and uneven breaths.

“I can’t…. Blake, I can’t.” She hiccups, gripping his t-shirt between her fingers. She can feel her breathing becoming even more irregular and when she looks up pained, Blake seems to understand what she’s been trying to say before she manages to say it. “Can’t breathe.”

He’s quick to act then. His strong arms usher her inside, the door shutting behind them with a loud thud. Her heart is hammering, every breath she tries to let out getting stuck in her throat. Her chest feels like it’s on fire, her body shaking from the pure effort of just staying upright.

“Gwen, listen to me, you gotta breathe baby.” His voice is gentle, but his demand is clear underneath. She tries to listen, but all that does is make her even more panicky when she realizes it just won’t work.

Her breath catches again, her sobs getting even louder.

His hand moves to her chin, lifting it up and his deep blue eyes stare into hers intensely. He’s looking at her with so much care and worry, a bunch of tears spill out on her cheeks again.

“I’m gonna lose everything.” She says cries, her hands reaching out for his arms as she almost feels her legs buckling. “You’re gonna leave me cause I’m such a mess and my children will hate me. I can’t keep anyone, Blake.” She’s crying even harder now, her words coming out between loud sobs. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Blake. Please help me. _Please help._ ” Her voice trails off as her body becomes too heavy for her to hold up and her legs give out.

Blake’s arms come around her instantly, lowering to the ground with her and sitting her in his lap. Her head is laying against his shoulder while her legs are laid out over his right thigh.

“I don’t know what happened and we will talk about it, but first I need you to breathe.” He says gently, smoothing soft fingers through her hair. “Take a deep breath for me.”

She tries to obey him but it doesn’t work, her lungs unable to fill with enough air to release.

“I can’t.” She cries, feeling herself get weaker with the second.

“You can.”

She tries again, this time managing at two shaky breathes, but her sobs still too powerful for her to overcome.

It’s like the sadness from a year ago, coupled with the emotions from today are all coming out in one heart wrenching moment. The traumas she spent so long trying to overcome, the fears she’d been trying so hard to suppress, are all flooding back to her, making her feel like the world’s biggest failure.

Her parents have a story book type of love and they’ve raised their three children amazingly. Gwen had always looked at her parents as the standard; something she desperately wanted to obtain one day. It had become perfectly clear through her first marriage that she wouldn’t succeed in that, at least not with the same ease as they had done.

“Kingston told me he hates me.” She whispers, a pained sound escaping her mouth after the words are spoken out loud. “He _hates_ me, Blake.”

“No he doesn’t.” Blake reiterates.

“Everyone leaves.” She whispers.

“I’m not leaving, I’m not going anywhere Gwen.” His hand cups her wet cheek, forcing her head up to look at him. “You’re obviously scared and something must’ve set you off to trigger this kind of reaction but you’re not alone okay? We’re gonna ride this one out together, just breathe.”

She shakes her head, but listens to his words regardless. She takes a few deep breathes, the first successful ones.

Her eyes close as she lets her head rest against his shoulder again, trying to find some calmness in his proximity.

“Take another one.” He nudges her softly, still making sure she gets her breathing back under control.

She hasn’t had many panic attacks in her life, the only two times she can think of are when she had a fight with Gavin during her first pregnancy and after her cheating scandal got publicised all over the tabloids.

“Blake…”

“Right here baby.” He coos sweetly against her ear.

It’s crazy how she came here with the intent of unleashing all her fears on him in the worst way, knowing she wouldn’t be able to keep them inside, but ended up with him on the floor for comfort.

“I fucked up.” She says on a whisper, her breathing finally starting to even out.

“Why do you say that?”

“I came here because I was sure I was gonna lose you. I didn’t want, I couldn’t….”

“You wanted to run because that’s what you’ve been taught to do.”

She shakes her head. “I’ve been _taught_ to do the opposite, and that hasn’t proven to work for me.”

“How has running worked out for ya?”

Despite the nature of his words being slightly confrontational, he doesn’t sound angry with her, instead he appears perfectly patient.

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“Then stay. It’s easy.”

“It’s not—” She cuts herself off, realizing how detrimental her words are about to be.

“Damnit Gwen….” He whispers, his voice hoarse as he holds on to her tighter.

It appears to her that she doesn’t have to speak at all for Blake to hear her loud and clear.

“Being with you is the easiest thing for me, loving you isn’t even a choice, it’s just something I do. I don’t want to rush you into anything and you know I’d wait forever for you, there’s no way I want to let you go because I don’t believe that’s right. I believe I’m your person as much as I believe you’re mine and I’m willing to fight tooth and nail for that.”

“What if love just isn’t enough? I loved you before, Blake. More than anyone ever, but it still didn’t work out, we still walked away. I don’t know how to make you stay because I don’t know what it is you see in me.”

“What I see in you?” Blake breathes, sighing. “I see an amazing mother, a loving person who can make the world feel a thousand times lighter just by being it. I see a miracle everytime you so much as _look_ at me and I hear poetry whenever you call my name. I see a flawed human being who somehow is perfect for me and I see a gorgeous woman who doesn’t know how beautiful she truly is. I see you, Gwen.”

“I need you to understand why I walked away the first time…” She starts softly, breaking their gaze and feeling him shift underneath her.

“You already told me why you got scared.”

“It wasn’t just a fear of losing you, Blake.” She admits shyly. “I was afraid of losing myself. I was willing to give so much to you and though you can argue that’s what love is supposed to be, I just felt like I was repeating a bad pattern. I was gonna smother you with my feelings for you and you’d start resenting me. When you didn’t even fight for me, I knew I was right. You were suffocating and waiting for me to give you an out. I can’t feel like that again Blake. I’m broken already, and I can’t feel like I’m someone’s burden for any second longer. I’d rather be alone or with someone who just doesn’t give damn.”

“Like Steven.” Blake grits his teeth.

“He came by the house earlier.” She says. “Before Kingston called and told me he—“ She shakes her head, unable to say the words again.

“Kingston doesn't hate you.” Blake tells her strictly. “And why the hell did Steven come by?”

“He wanted another chance, said he finally realized I was what he wanted all along.” She’s too tired to beat around the bush and she only flinches slightly when she sees Blake’s jaw lock. “He was… _persistent_ so I told him to leave.”

“What does that mean Gwen?” His voice sounds so rough, it’s like he’s forcing the words out of his throat.

“It means that he was pushy.”

“Did he touch you?”

She makes a move to manoeuvre off his lap, but he just pulls her back with a strong arm.  
She physically deflates and gives in. “He tried to but it didn’t get that far. I told him that he needed to leave after that and he did.”

He presses his hand into her hair, fingers touching her scalp.

“I thought he didn’t want anything serious.”

“He didn’t. He changed his mind after….”

“After you and I got back together.” He scoffs, shaking his head in disbelief.

“It doesn’t even matter.”

“It does because right after he came by, you were willing to give us up again.”

“Not for him.” She weakly defends herself. “I would never give you up to be with Steven.”

“But you were ready to give us up for other reasons.”

She swallows roughly. “I wouldn’t say that. I was scared, I still am.”

“I can deal with that, I really can.” He affirms, sliding his hand down her neck and settles on her back. “But the running you do…. I can’t handle that Gwen. You gotta understand, you’re not the only one with traumas, the only one with baggage. I can’t handle the pulling away.”

She lets her fingers trace over his chest.

“I didn’t come here to give up on us.” She whispers, closing her eyes. “I came here to…. I don’t even know what I came here to do. I was feeling everything at once and I just knew I needed to be here.”

He inhales deeply and clears his throat. “You give me stability, Gwen. You keep me grounded and I refuse to let that go without a fight. I refuse to let you convince yourself of being too much or too little for me. I can’t let you give up like that.”

“He told me I was making a mistake being with you.” She admits, knowing he didn’t need to know the specifics to understand she was talking about Steven. “I told him that if that were true, I’d make it time and time again.”

“Did you mean that?” This time it’s his voice that sounds like barely a whisper.

“I do.” She settles against him again, resting her head on his chest. “I can’t even imagine my life without you, Blake. The kids can’t either. I don’t want to lose you and I _want_ to be this person that just has it all together for you, so I can give you everything you deserve, but sometimes I just feel like I can’t and I hate myself for it.”

“Can you stand again?” He asks her carefully, adjusting his grip on her.

She’s surprised at the sudden change of subject, looking up at him with confused eyes. She feels the strength back in her body and nods.

“Get up.” He demands slowly, his voice suddenly filled with authority she doesn’t often hear from him.

It takes a few seconds for them to untangle and for Gwen to find her footing again, but she’s soon standing in front of him, his tall frame towering over her just right.

“Take it off.” He points at the hoodie she’s wearing, her brows raising in semi shock.

“Blake, shouldn’t we talk about— “

“Take it off, Gwen.”

She raises her eyebrows again but obliges. She pulls the thick fabric over her head and stands in front of him again. She feels exposed, clad only in her jeans and bra that she hasn’t yet taken off. But she sees the fire and desire in his eyes, and something else she can’t quite pinpoint that threatens to bubble over.

“Close your eyes.” Comes his second demand, voice still dripping with a certain strictness that both scares and intrigues her.

She closes her eyes reluctantly, feeling exceptionally vulnerable by only being half clothed and completely in the dark.

“Stay there. Don’t open ‘em.”

His footsteps become fainter and she realizes he’s walking away from her, the urge to open her eyes and follow his movements nearly unbearable. It takes about five minutes before he’s back and she’s fighting against her nerves when he finally speaks up again.

“Look at me.”

She opens her eyes and squints at the sudden light, her eyes darting down to his hands holding a familiar t-shirt. The vintage-inspired band tee is one she hasn’t seen in a while, not in at least a few years. Her eyes squint at it.

“I didn’t even notice I lost it.”

“You wanna know when you last wore it?”

She looks up at him bewilderedly, incredibly curious where he was going with this.

She nods. “When?”

“It was the first time I got you to come over to my place after the taping of the Voice. We’d been talking in your trailer for a while and when I asked you for a nightcap you actually said yes. We didn’t end up drinking much when we got back here though, we spent most of it – “

“I remember it now.” She says, blushing.

“You ended up wearing one of my t-shirts and you were wearing it when you went home too. This one ended up somewhere in the back of my closet.” He continues. “Flash forward to about a week later, I was on the phone with my mom. I had one of those pitiful nights and I was sure I would never truly get out of this funk again. My mom was in the process of lecturing me on the positives of life and how I needed to count my blessings when your shirt caught my eye on my closet floor. I realized that without her being aware of it at all, my mom was telling me to be grateful for you.”

“ _Blake_.” She gasps.

“I was feeling like my time on this earth might as well be done when I saw your shirt and it reminded me of the type of miracles I stopped believing in decades ago. You weren’t even physically there and you saved me. So don’t stand in front of me now, telling me you hate yourself for not being enough for me. I’ve kept this shirt Gwen…” He waves the thin fabric around in his hand. “I never threw it out, never even told you to come pick it up. I wanted to keep it because throughout it all, I always knew that one day it would save me again.”

“I can’t believe you….” She shakes her head, emotion getting the best of her.

Her eyes dart down to the shirt in his hand again and she carefully starts reaching for it, smiling sadly when he lets it go and hands it over. She studies the shirt as if she’d never seen it before while pulling it over her head and tugging it into place. The fabric falls loosely around her torso and her ribs at both side remain exposed.

“You look great in it, just like you did when I first saw you wear it.” He smiles, that twinkle in his eyes returning as he visibly thinks back to that moment.

She blushes.

“Thank you” Her eyes search for his as she whisks away a tear of her own. “Blake, I don’t even know what to say. I can’t even wrap my head around someone like you ever feeling like you’re not good enough for this world and though I know it’s how you felt at that time, it still breaks my heart. You don’t deserve to feel like that ever.”

“I can say the same about you.”

She huffs through her tears. “We’re quite the messy bunch, huh?”

He reaches for her hands, holding him in his large one. “Maybe, but Gwen, I don’t mind being messy as long as you’re here with me. I can handle not having the answers to everything, that’s kinda what life’s about, isn’t it? But I _can’t_ handle going through this crazy rollercoaster without you. I don’t want to.”

She sniffles.

“I don’t want that either.”

He smiles. “I love you too much to let you go again. I need you to tell me you feel the same way. Tell me you want to fight for this as much as I do.”

Her heart breaks at his request, because as much as he appears strong in front of her, she knows he wouldn’t be asking for confirmation about this if he were sure of himself. He never has to ask for her love or pry for her passion. It’s always there right beneath the surface and maybe that’s the problem. Maybe she’s always assumed he could just tell cause he knows her so well. Perhaps she took for granted his attentiveness and didn’t think about his own insecurities enough.

“Remember what I told you the other day?” She whispers, looking up at him. “About the ring I kept and how I hoped I would someday be able to put it on again?”

Blake swallows roughly and nods.

“I meant that. I want to fight for this as much as you do because Blake…I can’t see myself ever being with anyone else. I don’t think I could ever love someone the same way I love you and I want to….” She clears her throat, forcing the lump down. “I want to be your wife someday.”

She can almost see his jaw drop to the floor, his hand tightening around hers subconsciously.

“You can’t just…. you’re sure?”

She nods, forcing all her anxiety from the day down. “I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t mean it. You asked me once and I said yes for a reason. Despite what you might believe, I never stopped wanting that for us.”

“Jesus Christ, come here.” He says through gritted teeth, pulling her into him roughly. In contrary to his desperate move just now, his kiss is beyond gentle.

His hand slides down to her lower back, his forehead resting against hers.

“We’re gonna figure all this out.” He whispers against her lips, holding her close. “I’m never letting you go again.”


	17. your love, it's a beautiful thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a short one, but as we're nearing the end of this story, it's important to start tying together some loose ends. The next one will be longer and deal with some more unanswered questions..

It was crazy to spend three full days with Gwen while the kids were gone. After she showed up at his doorstep the other day, he didn’t know what to expect or where they’d go from here, but they ended up not separating at all.

It was like they first started dating all over again. They couldn’t keep their hands to themselves and spent the rest of the week discovering each other all over again. He never forgot how erotically charged every moment with her used to be and he wasn’t at all surprised to see them fall right back into the swing of things.

There were certain things he never cared too much for before, but couldn’t resist whenever he was with her. From her long nails scratching at his chest, to the hair pulling he liked to do, and the long and slow tongue kisses that would continue all through their sexual encounters. He couldn’t get enough and he was obsessed with how in tune she was with his needs all the time. She knows just what to do to give him ultimate pleasure quick and _often_.

Sometimes he feels like a teenager experiencing love and sex for the first time with her and he isn’t complaining one bit. He knows how lucky he is to have found someone to give him that feeling in his forties. He wouldn’t trade it for the world.

It had been hard to leave her side again after the week they’ve had, but the kids had come back to her yesterday and as much as he would’ve loved to stay, he knows they have to ease the kids back into the idea of them being back as a couple. He didn’t mind taking Gwen’s lead on this one, just like he did when they first started dating.

He’s surprised to receive her text later at night though as he sinks back against his couch cushion, looking at the now nearly empty rental. He’s supposed to move out next week, the house officially being rented out to the new owner. It’s both weird and exceptionally freeing to realize this place no longer belongs to him and he’s entering a new chapter in his life, one that will include Gwen and the boys again.

_I miss you. Come over? Gx_

He chuckles to himself, as he can visualize Gwen’s pout behind her text.

_What about the kids?_

It takes less than ten seconds for him to get a reply.

_They’re asleep. Gx_

It’s not like he has any desire to shut down her invitation but he decides to get a little thrill out of teasing her a little.

_I don’t know. Sounds like quite a dangerous proposal if you ask me._

_We can be quiet cowboy._

He should’ve known that his own teasing would only torture him more, Gwen’s ability to turn it around and turn him into a puddle of mush way too grand.

_We both know you can’t be quiet._

While he waits for her reply, the one that’s undoubtedly gonna arrive, he’s already putting on his shoes and coat, searching for his car keys.

Thank God he decided to stay in LA for a few more days to finish up things around the house, instead of going back to Oklahoma. It would’ve been a lot more of a hassle for him to respond to her invitation if he’d been back at the ranch. Though he doesn’t have enough dignity perhaps to confidently say he _wouldn’t_ have gotten on a plane for four hours to grant her request regardless.

_The house is big enough, we’ll manage. Gx_

God damn. This woman is gonna kill him one day, he’s sure of it. His pants feel tighter at reading her response and he groans out loud. He knows it’s only a twenty minute drive, but even that feels like way too much time.

_On my way._

-x-

She’s wearing yoga pants and a tank top, stretching on her toes to reach for the upper cabinet to retrieve two glasses.

“The kids were asking about you today.” She says, looking at him with a sweet smile as she pours them both some white wine.

“Yeah?”

She nods. “They can’t wait to go back to the ranch.”

“I can’t wait to have them over again. It’s not the same without you guys.”

She smiles brightly, making her way around the kitchen island and moving herself between his legs. He parts them a little to give her some more access, his elbow resting on the counter while he sits back in the stool.

“The kids are going to England.” She says softly, her face suddenly a little less bright.

He didn’t expect the sudden turn of the conversation, his free hand sliding to her lower back.

“How do you feel about that?” He asks softly.

“Bad. But at the same time, maybe it’s good for them. I just never want to make a decision that’s harmful to them and when it comes to their father, I often just don’t know what the right thing to do is.”

“I understand. You made the decision that felt the most right to you though and I think your motherly instincts are trustworthy on its own, Gwen. Don’t doubt that.”

Her left hand creeps up his chest until it rests on his shoulder.

“I was wondering if…. I mean it’s still two months away, but….”

“I’d love for you to spend Thanksgiving with me.” He says with a soft smile, his hand sliding to the curve of her ass. “You know my family loves you and we’d love to have you.”

Her lips are on his then, their wine forgotten as she kisses him wetly, with a little scrape of teeth. Their embrace goes from tender to passionate and he squeezes her ass to get her to move even closer to him.

“But what about tomorrow morning?” He mutters between pants, her tongue in his mouth and nails scratching at his scalp making him seriously dizzy with need, but he needs a little bit of clarity before he takes her to the bedroom to fuck her brains out.

“I think we should tell them.” She whispers, grinning when he cups her breasts through her tank top.

“Are you sure?” He breathes, her words surprising him.

She hums. “I can’t keep this a secret any longer. I don’t see why we’d have to anymore either, I mean you got rid of the rental house, and you’re gonna be here more often now anyways.”

“We’re telling them.” Blake muses softly, his hands continuing to roam over her body.

“If you’re okay with that too, of course.” She grins.

He grunts, standing up quickly and tugging at her hand.

“We need to go upstairs _now_.”

She giggles, her voice dripping with false innocence that drives him even crazier.

“Really? Why the rush?”

He backs her up against the nearest wall, forgetting about the risk of getting caught by three younger boys sleeping in nearby bedrooms.

“Remember what you told me over text?” He whispers against her lips, giving them an erotic lick for good measure. “You better be ready to keep your word.”

She bites her lip, her senses consumed with him the same way his are with her.

“You might have to remind me again.” She quips with a wink. “You know my memory is pretty bad…”

“Oh I’ll remind you alright.” He groans before kissing her again, pulling her away from the wall and backing her into her bedroom. She squeals when he closes the door behind her and tosses her onto the mattress.

Clothes get shed in record time and while he’s already made his mind up about pleasuring her first, she stops him with a firm hand on his chest. He tries to lean down and kiss her again, but she stops him another time, a large and teasing smirk on her lips.

She shakes her head and pulls his hair until he’s gazing up at her. “I know what you want…” She pushes him hard and then straddles his chest. “But I think it’s my turn.”

His eyes widen as he loses his breath, gripping her ass as she slinks up his body. He can feel her leaving a trail of wetness as she slides up his chest and he chuckles when he figures out what she wants.

“Your wish is my command.” He damn near moans.

With a wink, she settles herself over his face, her knees resting on the mattress. Her thighs close slightly against his ears. She grabs both of his hands and takes them in hers, bringing them up to her chest. Her jaw drops when his tongue starts moving and she rocks her hips against his mouth.

“Yes, Blake.”

He moans, knowing she can feel it in her core, knowing it drives her crazy.

“ _Blake_.” She moans again as she tries her best to stay quiet, her hands dropping to his head, pulling at his short hairs and bucking her body harder and faster. “Make me cum.” She demands on a whine, knowing he’s about to obey.

He growls and slips his hands down her body, holding her down to him as he swirls his tongue in tantalizing patterns. He thrusts it upward into her three slow and hard times, and then flicks it over her clit. His eyes stay glued to her face as he moves his mouth again, wrapping his lips around her bundle of nerves again and sucking hard until he hears her cry out for him behind the palm of her hand.

He watches as her head falls back, nails clutching his scalp. She shudders through two orgasms until she stops rocking against him. Panting, she stares down at him and he knows she can see the smug and satisfied grin on his face. He keeps it there on purpose, knowing his slight arrogance after making her orgasm only turns her on more.

She moves fast, flattening herself out on him and kissing him hard.

“ _Fuck_.” He mumbles against her lips, knowing damn well she can taste herself now, that in kissing him in that way where their tongues dance and tangle, she absolutely can. His hand winds in her hair as he lifts his hips a bit, helping her as she works his boxers off. “Baby, tell me what you want.”

“Figure it out.” She says instead, unwilling to let him regain control this fast. “You know what I want.”

He hooks his hands under her knees and pulls, finding her entrance with ease. He thrusts upward and into her in one focused stroke and she clamps around him immediately. Her scream is muffled against his lips, and he holds her tightly as he can feel her vibrate.

She’s still sensitive from the orgasm he provided her with his mouth, and while he usually takes his time getting inside her after making her come a first time, he was fast and rough with it this time.

She gives him a throaty laugh and kisses her way down his neck, grazing the skin of his shoulder with her teeth.

“I knew you’d know exactly what I wanted.”

“Always.” He pants, her wetness and tightness something he’ll never get over.

“Blake…” She whispers into his air, tongue darting out to lick the curve of it. “Make love to me.”

In an instant, he has her on her back, her legs wrapped around him. He looks down into her eyes and thrusts forward, sinking deeper into her.

There are no games or gimmicks, she’s in control and this is what she wants, what she needs. He’ll never understand how it’s always the same thing he craves too.

“I love you.” He kisses her again, pulling out of her before slamming back in, ramming the bed back against the wall in the process.

With every deep move, he kisses her again. Their bodies are perfectly aligned, their moans and growls are synchronised and in tune. He curls his fingers in between hers and presses them down into the mattress as he starts to rock in a more fervent rhythm.

Her hands squeeze his as her body rises to meet him. Their kiss muffles her whimpering and cries and beseeching moans. She pulls away for a moment to take a deep breath.

“God, you feel so good.” She nips at his lips again. “So damn good.”

He moans and works himself into her deeper, his skin hitting against hers loudly. He’s breathing heavier between kisses and he can feel her starting to shake under him. He drops his head to hers as he works through her clenching.

“Come for me baby, I can feel you want to.”

She moans back at him instead of replying, her back arching as she cums quietly. He lets her orgasm trigger his, feeling his dick pulse inside her as his body seizes and thrusts into her one last time.

She giggles when he rolls them over again and settles her over him while catching their breaths. “Oh God, that was— “

“ _Incredible_.” He answers for her, wrapping his arm around her and holding her tightly.

They spend a few minutes kissing, calming, and making silent promises to each other. He runs his hands through her hair and whispers against the side of her head. “I love you.”

She nuzzles against him, a large and content smile on her face.

“I love you too.”

He's tired but only in the best way. Holding Gwen in his arms is the only thing he needs to feel forever energized and at peace. The new realization lulling him to blissful slumber. 

They're telling the kids tomorrow. 


	18. truth

“I’m sorry about your boys, sweetheart. We wish they could be here.” Dot shoots her a sympathetic smile while refilling her glass in the kitchen.

It’s her second glass of the evening and she’s beyond touched at Dot’s hospitality towards her and the rest of her family. She didn’t know how things would end up going, considering everything that’s transpired between Gwen and Blake in these last few years.

She curves her lips up slightly. “Thank you. I wish they could be here as well.”

“Next time.” Dot exclaims enthusiastically, trying hard to keep Gwen’s spirits high and she’s fittingly grateful for it.

Blake’s arm slides across her back in the next moment and she smiles wildly though she didn’t even hear him coming. His mother looks at the scene in front of her with a softness in her eyes that reminds Gwen of her own mom.

As much as she’s having a great time during this Thanksgiving celebration, she’d much rather let Blake take her out into nature and lay beneath a warm duvet with him naked, listening to nothing but the beating of his heart. Social gatherings like these take so much out of her these days and he’s the only one who gives her back exactly what she needs.

She forces down these thoughts and looks up at Blake with a smile.

“Hey there.” She says softly.

He grins, his hand stroking her cheek affectionately. “Hey. I hope my mom wasn’t giving you a hard time away from everyone else.”

“I did no such thing.” Dot pipes up, giving her son a playfully scolding look.

“Your mom was actually so kind to give me another one of those.” Gwen smiles, holding up her glass of white wine. “I was running a bit low on drinks.”

“Can’t have that.” Blake grins, staying plastered to her side.

She knows he’s aware of the anxiety she felt before coming here today, afraid his family wouldn’t be as inclined to welcome her into theirs again.

“It’s good you’re here, Blake.” His mother says suddenly, as if the thought popped into her head right then and there. “I need some help carrying these snacks out.”

Blake leans down to press a quick kiss to Gwen’s head.

“Your dad and Endy are having a heated discussion about the cooking of turkeys by the way.” He smiles softly, whispering against her ear. “Just thought I’d give you a little heads up in case you wanted to stay clear of that.”

“Poor Endy.” Gwen laughs, shaking her head.

Blake chuckles, leaving her side to help his mother in the kitchen.

“I’ll go see what I can do to help her.” Gwen bites her lip, locking eyes with Blake before she exits the room.

Endy usually was a lot more talkative towards her, but since she arrived here before dinner, they hadn’t exchanged too many words. She knows Blake’s sister had her own reservations about her brother and Gwen getting back together, but from what Blake had told her, she had _totally_ warmed up to the idea again.

When Gwen walks back into the main room, her dad and Endy are still in conversation about something, though she’s not close enough to hear what it’s about. She figures Blake’s warning had been legit when she observes her father talking with his hands, something he starts to do excessively whenever he’s passionate about something.

She chuckles and shakes her head.

“Don’t go in there.” Mike says, walking towards her with a smile. “I’m warning ya.”

“I should probably go in there and safe your wife.” She grins.

“She can handle herself.” He says with a playful look on his face.

Gwen had never necessarily spent a ton of time with Mike before, though she was perfectly capable of getting along with all of Blake’s family. He looks at her for a few seconds before looking away, but Gwen has already taken notice of the peculiar look he gave her just now.

“Everything okay?” She asks, unable to ignore it.

He sighs before motioning for her to follow him outside.

They stand in the large outside area in front of the kitchen and she knows Blake and Dot must be able to see them from here.

The evening air isn’t brisk at all, something she would’ve expected from an October night. Instead, she finds herself exhaling comfortably in the gentle breeze and comforting temperature.

“I thought I would take you out here for a moment, it’s easier talking without the chaos from inside.” He says, looking at her again.

This time, there’s nothing but gentleness lingering on his features and it causes some of Gwen’s nerves to lessen on the spot.

“Everything okay?” She asks again.

“Endy is very nervous about you and Blake giving it another try.” He admits, looking a bit uncomfortable suddenly. “It’s probably something you should talk to her about yourself, but I just wanted to give you a little warning before you do.”

“Okay.” Gwen concedes, cocking her head as she waits him out, realizing there’s more to come.

“There was a lot of sadness Blake tried to keep away from his family after you and him broke up, not wanting to put them through so much worry again. It all ended up on Endy’s shoulders, as she was the only one he trusted with his feelings at the time. It was hard for her to see her brother so broken and defeated, not too long after Miranda left him in a similar state. I just want you to understand she’s coming from a good place, even when that doesn’t feel very welcoming at the moment. She’s trying.”

There’s something incredibly sweet about Mike standing up for his wife, but Gwen’s stuck at everything else he just said. She knows Blake was heartbroken after they ended but whenever she hears the full extent of things, it feels like she's right back there in that moment, putting him through it all over again.

“I understand, I really do. I don’t want to hurt Blake. I love him.”

“We can all see that.” He smiles.

“Can Endy?”

He rubs at the back of his neck and then smiles softly. “She does. It’s just complicated for her. She wants him to be happy and she knows he’s happy with you. It doesn’t stop her from fearing what will happen if you ever…. change your mind again.”

Gwen sighs. “I should probably go talk to your wife.”

“Probably.” He agrees.

The door swings open then, Blake and Todd joining them outside.

She feels a rush of relief at the two men stepping outside, though she feels the overwhelming urge to excuse herself and find Blake’s sister.

“You know the party is actually going on _inside_ , right?” Blake jokes, elbow poking into Mike’s side.

“No shit.” He retorts, laughing. “Gwen and I just needed a little moment away from the chaos.”

Todd stands next to Gwen, his beer bottle in one hand while the other wraps around her shoulder.

“Mom and dad are completely in their element right now.” He laughs and she can tell he’s starting to feel the effects of the numerous beers he’s had tonight already. “They’re discussing the origin of Southern cuisines with Dot and Endy.”

Gwen snorts. “I’m actually glad to be outside right now.”

“You’re about to love it even more.” Blake says, a mischievous smirk on his face.

Her brows raise. “ _Oh yeah?_ ”

“Todd challenged me to a round of shooting hoops.”

“Blake wants me to believe he was good at it in high school.” Her brother laughs. “He says his mom still has a hoop in her basement so let’s see it.”

“Both of you are absolute children.” Gwen huffs, smiling when Blake approaches her and wraps both arms around her waist. “With that said, I do kind of want to see it.”

Blake chuckles. “I knew you would.”

It takes less than five minutes for Mike and Blake to set up the singular hoop in the backyard, the search for an actual basketball taking longer than usual as they find it in the back of the garage, probably where one of the grandchildren left it when they were last here.

Gwen is standing aside with her glass of wine, watching as Todd and Blake discuss on the first person to start the game off.

Her lips curve up into a smile, forgetting about the little bit of tension she felt earlier as she watches the guys shoot hoops for a while. She laughs when Todd misses three times in a row, shaking her head at Blake’s childish antics that follow.

“Sis, what about you?” Todd asks her suddenly, a large smile on his face. “Show us what you’re made of.”

She shakes her head, but Mike’s already taking the glass from her hands, urging her forward.

“Come on, you can beat them both.”

She opens her mouth to say something, but Blake’s arm around her back makes her reconsider. He’s pushing her forward, laughing when Todd tosses her the ball and she struggles to catch it.

“Oh, this is gonna be something.” He chuckles, letting go of her and standing back just a bit.

She looks back at him, biting her lip and clicking her tongue.

“You’re so mean.”

“Show us what you got.” He shoots back, a playful smile still lingering on his lips.

She’s not a very competitive person, but she’ll be damned if she doesn’t give it her best shot. The ball misses the hoop with less than an inch of space and she curses under her breath. She tries again, this time watching the ball bounce off the orange rim as it falls back to the ground. Blake’s loud laugh causes her to turn around and give him a scolding look.

“It’s been a while since I last played.” She defends herself with a giggle. “Give me some time to warm up.”

Laughter is the only thing she can hear and it doesn’t take long for her to join in. Dinner and drinks had been a lot of fun, but there’s a lack of tension here in Dot’s backyard, with Blake, Todd and Mike, that she hadn’t felt before. It makes her realize how stressed she had been underneath it all.

For some reason, playing a round of shooting hoops is exactly what she needed.

Gwen squints her eyes at the target in front of her, aiming the ball at the net when Blake creeps up behind her. The moment she lets go of the ball is the same moment Blake takes the opportunity to kiss her on the back of her neck. She squeals and messes up her throw, gasping loudly.

“That’s not fair.” She laughs, turning around with her mouth open. “You distracted me.”

He looks at her with a playful grin, shrugging.

“What are you talking about?” He asks innocently. “I did no such thing. I just showed you some lovin’.”

She shakes her head. “You’re in so much trouble.”

“Here, let me help.” He says, manoeuvring himself behind her and turning her around fully. With the ball back in her hands, his' slide to her waist and hold her steady. His proximity makes it hard for her to focus on anything else and the way he’s speaking right against her neck has her erupting in goosebumps. “Hold the ball just a little higher.”

She does as instructed, though laughing. “Blake, you’re just gonna mess me up.” She says, feeling his fingers tighten against her hips.

“Don’t jump, just use your wrists.” He speaks lowly against her ear, chuckling when he hears her shudder out a breath. “Look at the direction you’re gonna throw, focus.”

She wants to grind her hips back against him, lay her head against his shoulder and stretch her neck so he has perfect access to put his lips there, but she doesn’t. She reminds herself of the fact they’re not alone and Mike and Todd are standing a few feet away, watching the overly affectionate moment take place.

“This is not gonna work.” She whispers, biting her lip while attempting at another throw.

Blake and Gwen both watch as the ball nears the hoop, hitting the orange rim again before tumbling into the net reluctantly.

Gwen gasps and then jumps, feeling Blake laugh behind her.

“I did it!” She squeals, turning around and pressing herself against his chest. “Gimme a kiss.”

Blake complies quickly, placing a soft but deep kiss on her lips. She wraps her arms around his neck and purses her lips, indicating she wants another one.

“You guys need a room?” Mike asks, chuckling.

Todd whistles and thank God everyone’s beyond used to their random moments of overly affectionate passion. Blake’s hands leave her hips and Gwen pouts at the rest of the guys.

“You guys are boring.”

Her and Blake pull away, though the look in his eyes silently promises her more is coming later and she’s completely fine with that. Mike and Blake take care of storing everything away into the garage again before the whole gang is back inside, talking about food and refilling their glasses.

She misses the kids, but she’s grateful for the love she feels surrounding her here. Blake continues to sit close to her all night, not leaving her side and she’s beyond grateful for that. Todd and Jen are practically on each other’s lap by the end of the evening and Gwen quietly chuckles at that. Her parents are having a good time from what she can tell too and she feels herself getting a little emotional at the reunion going on. Her family hasn’t been around Blake’s for over a year, and for a while, it seemed like that would never be a thing again. To have everyone, except for her children here again, makes her eyes well up.

“You want another refill?” She asks Blake, leaning into his space to give him a quick kiss on his cheek.

He smiles and nods, handing her his glass. “Thank you, babe.”

She just smiles as she stands up, deciding to ask everyone else the same question.

“I’ll help.” Endy says after most people reply to her question with a positive answer. “I don’t think you can carry all of that by yourself.”

Gwen’s surprised to hear her offer and nods. “Thank you.”

“No problem.” She quips, following Gwen into her mother’s kitchen. It’s a little awkward standing behind the kitchen island with the other woman, but Gwen tries her best to keep her face from showing her discomfort.

“Gwen….” His sister starts, and the sound of her voice is enough to get Gwen’s breath to hitch.

There’s an obvious reluctance to talk to her, and the welcoming and warm tone she’s gotten accustomed to from her over the years, is nowhere to be found.

She wants to ask if everything’s okay, but she knows the answer. Instead, she just looks at Endy and waits, just as she did with her husband earlier.

“I think I owe you an apology.” The woman says, confusing Gwen further. “I haven’t said a lot to you since you got here and that’s messed up. I’ve been thinking about what I wanted to say to you all night and I’m still not quite sure….”

“Endy, I know you’re just looking out for Blake.”

“I am.” His sister affirms. “It’s just hard for me to wrap my head around what happened and I’m afraid he’s gonna get hurt again. That’s the truth.”

Gwen swallows roughly, grabbing the wine bottle from the counter and unscrewing the lit.

“I don’t blame you.” She whispers, wincing as she spills some of the bottle’s content over her fingers. She tugs at the cloth hanging over the oven and cleans her hand. “It’s hard to explain why everything happened the way it did. All I know is that I love Blake more than I’ve ever loved anyone else and there’s no one else I’d rather be with.”

Blake’s sister smiles, sliding her own glass forward over the marble until Gwen gets the message and pours.

“Did he tell you about the adopting agency he’d started looking into after you two broke up?”

Gwen’s breath stutters, her hand clutching the wine bottle so tightly she’s afraid it might break.

“What?”

Endy sighs. “I'll take that as no.”

“Endy please, what are you talking about?”

The woman grimaces. “He was so heartbroken over losing you and the boys, he couldn’t wrap his mind around losing his whole family at once. I guess he just started thinking about how much he loved being a father to those boys and for a while he thought…. well, he wanted to know more about the whole adopting process. Thinking that perhaps he was interested in it. I mean that parental instinct is there, we all know and see it…”

As much as she tries to hold it in, a few tears fall onto her cheeks. She doesn’t try to hide them, doesn’t even have it in her to whisk them away at the moment. She just stares at Endy, trying to process what she’s hearing.

“He never told me.” She whispers.

“I didn’t tell you to make you feel bad.” Endy explains softly, grimacing when another tear falls from Gwen’s eyes. “I just feel like you should know why I’m so nervous about this whole thing. He really can’t lose you guys again. I know you love him and you would never intentionally hurt him, but if this for some reason doesn’t work out again, you’ll always have your kids. He will lose _everything_.”

She shakes her head, her voice raspy.

“That’s not true. He will always have those boys. He might not be their biological father, but he’s just as much of a dad to them as Gavin is.”

Endy reaches back onto the kitchen counter to retrieve a napkin, sliding it over to Gwen with a soft and gentle smile.

“I really want you guys to work out, Gwen. I can tell how happy he is when he’s with you.”

Gwen sniffles. “He makes me so happy. All I want is to return that.”

Endy nods. “I’m happy to hear that. I really am.”

“Why didn’t he go through with it?” Gwen asks softy, her mind still reeling from the news.

“With the adopting agency?” Endy confirms. “Because he realized he was trying to replace something he never could. Those boys feel like his own flesh and blood Gwen, there’s no way he would ever _not_ feel the void they’d leave behind.”

Gwen’s eyes catch onto a figure appearing in the doorway, and it takes her almost no time to recognize Blake’s frame. He looks at the two women with worry, his face falling when he takes in Gwen’s tear-soaked face.

“Endy, what did you do?” He asks, hurrying himself to stand next to Gwen.

“She didn’t do anything, Blake.” Gwen whispers, forcing a sad smile on her face.

“I’ll take the drinks out. Give you guys a second to talk.” His sister says reassuringly, patting Gwen on the shoulder once to let her brother know there’s no bad blood between them.

As soon as Endy has left the kitchen, Gwen’s latching herself onto him, pressing herself tightly against his body. His arms wrap around her quickly, his voice low and soft.

“Baby, please tell me what’s wrong.”

She shakes her head against him, her hands pushing at the back of his neck.

“Nothing’s wrong.” She cries.

“Sweetheart, you’re crying.”

She looks up at him before kissing him, nipping at his lip, not caring about anyone who might walk in on them.

“Do you know how much I love you?” She asks, holding his gaze.

“Baby?”

“Do you?” She asks again, pressing him for an answer. “Because I love you so much. You’re everything to me and the boys…they love you so incredibly much. We can’t even picture our lives without you anymore. You’re the one who makes us feel loved and safe.”

She can tell he’s surprised to hear her words, still stuck on her tears.

“Is that why you’re crying?” He asks, rubbing her back slowly. “Baby, I know you love me…”

“I just got overwhelmed with how _much_ I love you. How _lucky_ I am to be able to call you mine.” She says, stroking his cheek with her finger. “I promise you, from now on, it’s you, me and the boys forever.”

The look in his eyes makes her forget about her surroundings for the time being, pressing their mouths together again. He whimpers against her lips but she takes all she can get, smiling when he slides his hands over her ass.

“You’re so good, Blake Shelton.” She whispers against his lips before breaking their kiss. “I can’t wait for the kids to come back so we can all spend some time together. Will you take us back to the ranch?”

Blake chuckles before kissing her again. “Of course I will. Are you really not gonna tell me what you and Endy were talking about before I came in?”

She slides her hands down his chest. “We were talking about how we almost lost each other and we can never let that happen again.”

Blake nods, holding her close.

“I’m sorry if she took things too far. She’s just— “

“She’s worried about you.” Gwen cuts in, resting her head against his heart. “But she didn’t take things too far. She was just explaining some things to me.”

Blake hums. “I know today was stressful for you and I hate that it was.”

“I might be crying right now, but I’ve had a real good time baby. Your family has been so sweet and welcoming to me. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be right now.”

His finger pokes at her chin before lifting it up to meet his eyes.

“I was telling your parents how lucky I consider myself to be back in your life.” He smiles. “In case you were interested in what _I_ was talking about while you were gone.”

“Really?”

He smiles. “Yeah, they said you seemed much happier lately and I told them the feeling was mutual. I told them how you know me unlike anyone else and that I needed you.”

She bites her lip.

“How much do you need me, cowboy?” She asks, a hint of playfulness in her eyes.

Instead of answering her, he pushes his lips into hers again and gives her a long and slow kiss.

“So fucking much it’s ridiculous.” He whispers against her mouth, licking at her lips which causes her to disguise a moan with a cough.

“I know it’s Thanksgiving and all, but when do you think it’s appropriate to call it a night?”

He laughs loudly, reaching behind her to hand her back her glass.

“How about you finish this one and we’ll head home afterwards?”

She nods while tugging at his hand, leading him back to the living room.

His hand never stops touching her lower back and she can see Endy shoot her a knowing smile from where she’s sitting on the couch. They spend the rest of the night talking with their families, Blake’s hand resting in her lap until the very last moment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is near now, people. Comments feed my soul so don't be shy please!
> 
> -Dess.


	19. love you through it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should probably let you guys know this is the last *official* chapter of this story. The next one is more of an epilogue to this and has less dialogue. With that said, it's not over 'till it's over and I can't wait to give this story the end it deserves. Thanks for sticking with me. The next and last chapter will be posted soon.
> 
> \- D

He couldn’t help but be a bit nervous at seeing her GMC at his place in Oklahoma again. Things had been going well for them, even with the kids now knowing about their rekindled romance. It’s a scary thought that could all be turned upside down again, though he tries not to think about that too often.

Gwen is smiling at him as he watches the boys outside, Kingston and Zuma again occupied with the little deserted bar outside.

Blake clicks his tongue. “They shouldn’t be playing around that thing.”

“Then go tell them to stop.” She says softly, walking up behind him and running her hands along his back.

He enjoys her touch for a while, eyes remaining focused on the children.

“They seem happy, don’t they?”

Gwen’s in front of him instantly, pressing herself against him and waiting for his arms to wrap her up.

“They _are_ happy.” She confirms, biting her lip when he holds her tightly. “They’ve been waiting for this moment a long time, you know?”

Blake huffs. “Ditto.”

There are only a couple of inches between their faces and the way she looks up at him adoringly is making his stomach do some impressive flips and turns.

“I missed being here too.” She whispers, caning her neck to look outside where the children are playing, Apollo sitting on the ground a few feet away, staying clear from the same stone wall that caused him to get hurt before.

Blake’s hand lifts to her cheek, putting a strand of hair behind her ear.

“This is where you’re supposed to be.”

She swallows harshly, holding onto him while burying her face in his chest.

“I can’t believe I ever forgot that.”

He gently rubs her back, letting her work out whatever rollercoaster of emotions she’s going through currently. With Gwen pressed against him and the kids laughing outside, this moment feels like scene out of his favorite movie. It takes a few minutes to realize this is indeed his life and there’s nothing fake or scripted about it.

“No more living in the past, right?” He nudges her, feeling her soft chuckle against his chest. “From now on we’re only focusing on the future, because that’s exactly what this is. You, me and the boys. It’s a forever thing.”

He grabs onto her cheeks gently, pulling her in for a kiss. He can tell she’s surprised by the moment and she lets out a small noise as their lips meet. One of his hands slide to her waist while the other one continues to cradle her cheek. He knows the kids are around and they can’t take it too far, but he’ll be damned if he can’t show her how much he’s missed her at least for a little while.

It’s his turn to be taken by surprise when Gwen deepens their kiss instead of pulling away, slowly opening her mouth to invite his tongue into hers. It’s that magic of making out with her that will never get old, the way she holds him and presses herself against him as if she wants to merge with his body completely is never _not_ the best feeling in the entire world.

He only pulls away when he feels his own arousal pressing into her stomach and he stares down at her with wide eyes.

“Damn it.” He groans, chuckling when she presses against him just right. “The things you do to me woman.”

Her large bedroom eyes sparkle.

“I haven’t even done anything yet.”

He laughs and taps her ass lightly. “You and I both know that’s a lie.”

She bites her lip. “Wanna head upstairs for a few minutes?”

“And leave the kids here unsupervised?” He asks, narrowing his eyes on her.

“They can spend five minutes alone.”

Both his hands slide to her lower back, just holding her.

“As much as that sounds like a dream come true, I can’t…” He sighs, her eyes filled with so much love and kindness, he can’t help but explain. “It’s just…. the last time they were here Apollo got hurt and it was because I didn’t pay attention. I just don’t feel comfortable— “

His words are cut off by her lips again, this time a lot more gentle and less hungry. Her fingers link at the back of his neck, sharing another sweet kiss full of unspoken promises.

“God I love you so much.” She says, shaking her head. “As much as I wish I could talk that guilt out of your heart forever, I’m so lucky to have found someone who cares this much about me and the boys. We’ve always been a package deal and you’ve been more than ready to take that on.”

“I don’t see it as taking anything on.” He retorts, kissing her forehead. “Finding not only the love of my life, but a whole family, has been the biggest gift of my life. Those boys…they’re everything to me.”

Gwen bites her lip again and this time he can see something else lingering on her face. Something she’s nervous about sharing.

“What is it? Did I say something wrong?” He asks.

She turns her head towards the glass door again, confirming her kids are still outside and occupied with their surroundings enough to have some privacy.

Gwen’s face turns back to him, her eyes soft and gentle though he can feel the sudden tension mounting in her body.

“Gwen?”

“Endy told me something on Thanksgiving.” Gwen whispers, sliding her hands up his chest. “I didn’t mean to bring it up because it’s not relevant anymore, but I realize I can’t just pretend like I don’t know. Every time you talk about the boys I just want to make sure you know how loved you are. By _all_ of us.”

He squints his eyes. “Gwen, what the hell did she tell you?”

“She told me you were looking around some adopting agencies. “

One of his hands tightens on her back while the other lifts to his face, rubbing over his mouth and nose. He’s tempted to break free from her embrace but the look on her face keeps him from moving.

She doesn’t appear to be mad or upset about it, but he’s still not comfortable having this conversation.

It was something he didn’t like to revisit. Not because of the adopting agency itself, but because he felt like he’d lost his whole family. A family he’d never be able to replace or find again, no matter how much he’d love another child.

“She had no right to tell you that.” Blake whispers hoarsely, feeling his eyes water.

“Blake….” She calls for him softly, her hand reaching for his jaw. “Baby, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. If anything, I’m just so sorry for making you feel like you lost them. I know you love them as your own and I didn’t realize up until a few weeks ago, that I was incredibly selfish for not thinking about that sooner. You are literally the best father figure any child could ask for and I know that if you had gone through with it, you would’ve made one special child feel like the luckiest person on the planet.”

“I wasn’t trying to replace them.” Blake whispers, afraid to look her in the eyes but managing somehow. “I just couldn’t believe that this was it for me, you know? I used to think being a country singer and having a successful career is what I was put on this earth to do, but after being around your boys, I realized being a father is much more important to me than all of that.”

Gwen nods, her finger whisking away a tear he didn’t even know escaped him.

“ _Our_ boys.”

“What?” He asks confused.

“You said _my_ boys made you realize that.” She whispers, shaking her head. “They’re our boys, not just mine.”

“Gwen.” His voice breaks on her name, his hands gripping onto her sides.

“Apollo never stopped asking for you and even after you left, it was still I Lived It that put him to sleep every night. Zuma continued to dedicate school projects to you even though you weren’t there to see them. And Kingston…. he didn’t say too much after you left because I think it was just too hard for him, but he picked up the guitar and started teaching himself. I once stayed in the hallway while he was practicing and I could hear your songs playing from the computer. He was teaching himself the chords to some of your older songs.”

His heart rightfully skips a beat at her words, his throat tight.

“I should’ve never left them.” He says.

“That’s what I’m saying, you _didn’t_.”

Her eyes are gazing into his and he sees so many emotions harboured in those hazy pools. It’s all positive though and he can barely contain himself as he realizes it’s all for him. He’s never had someone love him for every single fibre of his being before, but Gwen does. He can see it.

“I wanna buy King a guitar.”

Gwen cocks her head, eyes wide. “Really?”

“Yeah. I could teach him for real. “

“Those things aren’t cheap, Blakey. Plus, he’s a kid so his attention span for picking up new hobbies isn’t always that impressive. He might not use it as much as you’d think…”

“Are you saying no?” He asks softly, smiling when he sees that his puppy dog eyes are still something she’s not immune to.

“I’m not saying no. If you want to give him a guitar, you should.” She leans up onto her tippy toes and kisses him briefly. “I’m just saying that I don’t want you to feel obligated to. He’s lucky enough to have you.”

“Then it’s settled.” He smiles, hugging her to his body. “I’m getting him guitar.”

-x-

He’d found Kingston sitting on the edge of the pool, his feet dangling in the clear blue water. Gwen was upstairs putting Apollo to bed for a nap and Zuma was hanging out on the couch with Blake’s iPad. It was chaos only a few minutes ago, but everything had settled down and when he went on a search for Gwen’s oldest, he ended up here.

He gently announces his arrival so the kid won’t jump out of his skin as he settles next to him. It’s been a while since he and King had a long talk and something about the child’s demeanour tells him that one is needed right now.

“Everything alright, buddy?”

Kingston looks up at him with a faint smile and nods.

“I wanted to swim.”

Blake purses his lips before cocking his head.

“With your clothes on, sitting on the edge?”

Kingston chuckles. “Yeah.”

“You don’t have to talk to me and tell me what’s wrong.” Blake says, looking straight ahead. “We can just sit here in silence, see who’ll break it first.”

The younger child bites his lip.

“Mom says she doesn’t like the way your pool looks by the way.”

Blake scrunches his face, chuckling.

“What’s wrong with my pool?”

“She thinks it’s shaped like an egg.”

He lets out a loud belly laugh, causing Kingston to join in a few minutes later.

Blake shakes his head, flicking some of the water around with his hand. “My God. Well, if she’s so bothered by the shape of this thing, we’ll just have to design another one.”

There’s a sudden quiet that follows, until King looks up at him with awaiting eyes.

“Are you gonna move in with us?”

Blake’s taken aback by the question, rubbing at the back of his neck.

“I don’t know bud, would you want me to?”

“Please don’t treat me like a child. I know your decision of moving in with us will have nothing to do with what I want or don’t want.”

His snappy words surprise Blake, swallowing roughly.

“Do you really think I’d move in with you guys if you didn’t want me to?”

“You left us even though I didn’t want you to. What would be so different about this?”

Blake’s heart breaks at his words, the sharp pain in his chest momentarily drowned out by the heartbroken expression on Kingston’s face. Underneath the layer of anger, he can see the real cause of his outburst—fear.

“You’re afraid and I don’t blame you.” Blake says softly, gently.

“I’m not afraid.” The kid mumbles. “You can do whatever you want.”

Blake sighs deeply, knowing that the only thing left to do is to be painfully honest.

“You don’t want me to treat you like a child, right?” Blake asks, waiting for Kingston’s attention to be back on him.

Despite his face never leaving the pool, the kid nods to his words in affirmation. “I don’t.”

“Then let me be super honest with you right now, King. I’m gonna tell you something I haven’t even told your mom.”

That seems to do the trick as Kingston’s face turns to him, obviously awaiting what he’s gonna say.

“You, Pollo and Zuma are the only reason why I never left LA. Because even though I couldn’t be part of your lives at the time, I couldn’t stand to be too far away from you three. I asked your mom to marry me once and I fully intend on doing that one day, _with_ your blessing. I can’t change the past even though I wish I could. I can only promise you one thing about the future, and that’s that I’ll always be in it as long as you guys still want that.”

“Why didn’t you marry her the first time?”

Blake smiles sadly. “That’s hard to explain, King. I’m not sure I understand that either.”

“People at school were saying you cheated on her just like my dad did. I had to defend you all the time.”

He grimaces, his heart feeling heavy as Kingston lays all his cards out on the table.

“I’m sorry you went through that. You never have to defend me, that’s not your job, though I appreciate your loyalty.”

“I didn’t do it for you.” Kingston says angrily. “You weren’t even there. When you came back into our lives you said it was for us, that you and mom were just friends now, but you lied. You only came back for her.”

“That’s not true.” Blake says determinedly, struggling with his own composure now. “Listen to me, I can’t undo any of the mistakes I made, I can only do right by you now. I never should’ve left, but unfortunately that doesn’t change anything in the past.”

“Did mom make you leave? Is that why you didn’t come back sooner, why you didn’t even try?”

“Your mom and I had a lot to figure out.”

Kingston scoffs. “Mom wouldn’t tell us the real reason you left either, she just said she still loved you but things didn’t work out. She chased you away and didn’t even give us a reason. She didn’t give a _shit_ about us losing you too.”

Having this conversation with a thirteen-year-old is much more difficult than he ever imagined, the line between friend and parent a blurry one right now.

“You have every right to be angry, I can deal with that.” Blake says, his voice a bit lower than usual. “But since I promised not to treat you like a child, I know you’re mature enough to know you can’t talk like that. Especially not towards your mother. Agreed?”

Kingston looks away after the slightly scolding words, staying quiet.

“I’m gonna need an answer to that one, bud.” Blake says sweetly but strictly.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, what?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Kingston looks back at him, sighing when Blake cocks his head. “Yeah, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”

Blake’s features soften. “Listen, your mom and I have messed up. You’re not wrong about that. I’m sorry about that King, but I won’t ever leave you again. Or your mother. You don’t have to believe me right now, I intend on showing you. Will you at least let me do that?”

Something in the child’s eyes changes then, a softness spreading across his features like he can’t help it.

“I don’t want you to leave….” Kingston offers, and Blake can tell it’s his way of making things right.

“That’s good.” Blake coos. “That’s real good, because I don’t want to leave either.”

“And if you’d like to marry mom again, I think we would all very much like that.”

Blake smiles wildly, torn between wanting to pull Kingston in for a hug and keeping a respectable distance due to his earlier anger. Luckily for him, the boy takes matters into his own hands after a few minutes.

He presses himself against Blake’s side and his arms come around him immediately. Blake holds him tightly as if he’ll float away if he doesn’t and sighs.

“I’m so sorry buddy.” He presses the words against the side of his face.

“Just really don’t leave again, okay?” Kingston whispers into their embrace.

Blake feels the mood shifting and knows a page has been turned today. Though there’s still a lot of trust to mend, he’s convinced he still has a place in the boys’ lives.

“Never.”

-x-

“Where are we going?” She asks, impatiently tapping the floor of his truck with her feet.

“Just two more minutes.” Blake says, driving the car into an empty field, going off the dirt road.

He’d called his mother to look after the kids for a little bit, while he took Gwen out for a night drive. He wanted to show her something, hoping it would ignite some trust back into her. After the conversation he had with Kingston today, he felt the overwhelming need to show both that he never intended to go far. He thinks this would be the perfect way to show her.

Gwen had gasped when Blake told her about the conversation he and King had, and through her tears and heavy heart, she just clung to him for a few minutes as she cried. It was hard for her to realize how badly the children got hurt again in the process and he knew it would take a while for that feeling of guilt and regret to simmer down.

They both needed this moment and as the car finally comes to a stop, his eyes sparkle as they take her in.

She’s dressed in camo pants and a tank top, a ridiculous but somehow incredibly gorgeous combination. He’s still in awe of her each time he lays eyes on her.

“Ready?” He asks, jumping out of the truck and smiling when he hears her jump down.

“I think I just stepped on something.” She says with a hint of disgust in her voice.

“I hope you didn’t step in some wolf poop.” He teases.

“Ha ha.” Gwen replies stoically, coming to stand next to him. “You’re very funny, Blakey.” Than after two seconds….” _Wait_ , are there really wolves here?”

Blake chuckles. “No, you’re completely safe here baby. I’m just messing with you.”

She slaps his arm. “That’s not funny babe, you know there are actual wild animals here.”

“Yeah, but not wolves. Besides, I’ve got my truck right there. If any scary looking animals show up, I promise I’ll get you out of here.”

“You’re not taking me seriously.”

He turns around to hug her, pulling her in close so she’s snuggled perfectly into his embrace. He stares into her eyes not saying a word, not wanting to break the beautiful tension between them.

“I _am_ taking you serious, baby. But look around you...”

She stays in his embrace but follows his advice, letting her eyes trail around her surroundings.

The large green landscape goes on for ages, the variety of deciduous trees in the woodland give it a mystic glow, though there’s not much else to see, besides the lake stretching out behind it and the large mossy stones outlining it. The ground is dry and steady, though the rain that seeped into it these last few days give it a bit more of a muddy feel.

“Where are we?” She asks.

He grins. “Come here.”

He breaks away from their embrace and leads her further away from the truck, into the open field.

His initial idea was to show her this place during daylight. That way she would be able to see the radiant sunlight creeping into every corner, bathing the whole world in a warm glow. The endless expanse of green and blue wonder quite impressive that way. But the day didn’t allow for that and he couldn’t wait till tomorrow, this was something he needed to get off his chest now.

He reaches into his chest pocket and retrieves a formal looking document, before sliding it into her hands.

“Open it.”

She squints her eyes. “Blake…. what is this?”

She keeps her eyes glued on the paper, biting her lip in focus when she unfolds it. He stands next to her quietly, waiting for her eyes to scan over the content of the document.

“Are these blueprints?” She asks, her confused frown turning into a surprised one seconds later. “You’re buying a house?” She looks up at the expanse of nature in front of him and then back to the paper. “You’re buying a house _here_?”

“Look at the date.”

“ _February of 2018_.” She reads, then gasps. “Oh my god….”

“I was thinking about buying a new house with you, a place where you and the kids could come live with me, a place we could build together from scratch. When I proposed to you, I told you I wanted to make new memories with you, build a future together, literally. I know you felt like I’d checked out back then, but I never intended on being apart from you or the boys. I wanted a forever home with you. You’re holding the literal manifestation of that in your hands right now.”

Even with the impending gloom of darkness, he can still see the glossy sheen over her eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She whispers.

“We broke up a week after I got my hands on this document. It just never felt like the right time anymore.”

She looks at him with wide eyes before pulling him in for another embrace, sniffing. “I can’t believe you wanted to build a house with me.”

“I still do.” He whispers.

“Oh my god Blake, I love you so much.” She kisses him furiously, a sneaky grin making its way to his lips when she pulls back.

“Does that mean you want to build a new house with me too?”

“In what world did my reaction suggest no?”

He chuckles. “I just think I need to hear you say it.”

She looks at him in sarcastic disbelief. “Yes, cowboy. I want a place together that’s only ever been ours. I want that forever home you mentioned.”

He bites his lip. “Do you know how badly I want you right now?”

“Oh my god, stop— “

“I’m serious.” He cuts her off, grinning. “Those camo pants you insist on wearing are cute but I really have an unhealthy obsession with getting you out of ‘em for some reason.”

“Really?” She smirks. “You don’t think your sudden horniness has anything to do with the fact I just told you I want to live with you?”

He cocks his head, pretending to think it over.

“Could be it. Either way, I want you out of those damn pants, pronto.”

She laughs. “Fine.”

Her hand slides down to the zipper of her pants, tugging it lose and off, leaving him with his mouth wide open. He looks around even though he knows no one will be here for miles and watches as she walks back to his truck, her pants dangling off her fingers.

“Gwen, what the— “

“It’s cold out here and I’m not gonna freeze to death while fucking you.” She says simply, looking back at him to give him a dirty wink. “You might wanna meet me in your truck. And lose the pants—you won’t need them.”


	20. my end and my beginning

That day had been exceptionally perfect—almost scarily so.

Sitting on the front porch waiting for her doesn’t fill him with anything but gratitude. Her short but apologetic text about traffic being a bitch causing him to chuckle.

He thinks back at how hard he had to work to convince her into becoming something serious again after breaking it off once. All the hardships and heartache seemed to disappear _that_ day. The way she had looked in her gorgeous white gown when she promised to love, protect, defend and honour him for the rest of their lives. The way her eyes had absolutely lit up when he made the same promise to her in return—a promise made ten times over before the wedding and at least once a day since.

“Is this what you expected it to be?” He had asked her gently, keeping her close to his body whilst staring at the hand that laid on his shoulder, decorated with a wedding ring.

“No.” She had whispered, accompanied with a secure shake of her head. “It’s even better.”

His smile had never been as bright or genuine as in that moment. Everything he ever wanted was right there in his arms, wearing _his_ ring, and _his_ kiss.

The reception itself was kept small; they’ve both done this before and if they learned one thing, it’s that this part really doesn’t matter. It’s about all the parts that come after this, all the days they’ll struggle to understand each other, all the moments that take a lot out of them, the days where more support is needed or more distance is created. It’s about the togetherness throughout it all. Today is beautiful, but it doesn’t mean anything other than the start of their lives together. Standing in the middle of the decorated hall, holding his wife, is all part of whatever comes next.

And what came next blew his mind that same night. The visitors had gone home, the kids were at home with their grandparents, and he and Gwen spent the first night as a married couple alone at the house.

They had stumbled into the house drunk, but all over each other and that was exactly the plan for the rest of the night. He kissed her with so much ferocity that it caused Gwen to hold on to him tighter, drunk on his mouth now. His fingers dug into the side of her waist so painfully tight she’d have bruises the next day.

“You’re really fucking killing me here, Blake.” She said, and she sounded so wrecked already.

He hoisted her up against the wall, not wasting unnecessary time by getting them into the bedroom upstairs. He’d yanked off her reception dress and pushed her panties to the side, sliding inside of her in one smooth thrust. Her legs hooked around the back of his thighs while she muffled her sounds against his neck.

“You want it so bad, I can feel it.” He grunted, hooking her legs higher while his voice wavered. “Anything you want, Gwen. Take it.”

It was all a frenzied blur from there on out—her fumbling for his buttons of his short to pop open, her cursing and begging against him—and it all snaps back into focus when they finally end up in the bedroom where they'd do it all over again.

-x-

Their honeymoon perhaps wasn’t what they expected it to be, but getting to bring her back to Oklahoma for two months, working on their joint album was a different type of special.

The fact that she was willing to sacrifice their original plan of going to Hawaii, to celebrate their newly-wed status had almost meant even more. “There will be plenty of time for us to celebrate our marriage, this music we need to do _now_ ” she had told him with a kiss to seal the deal.

They’d spent every single day in the studio those months, finishing their sessions with a boat trip on the Lake or cuddles at the fireplace in his backyard. There was just nothing more perfect than getting to spend time with her in the place that he considers God’s country. They were increasingly more special whenever the kids were there, too. There’s something about that summer that he will never forget, no matter how many more amazing summers they’ll all have together.

“Mom doesn’t want us to keep the rooster.” King had said on one particularly sunny day, causing Blake to chuckle. “I think you need to convince her.”

The pat to Kingston’s shoulder had been soft but swift. Blake will always admit to the soft spot he has for all three boys, but his inkling to be liked by their mother will always be greater.

“Sorry bud. If your mom says no, it’s no. Besides, that thing has woken all of us up at the crack of dawn for two weeks straight now. I came close to shooting it myself.”

His morbid joke had been countered with a horrified look from Kingston, instantly causing regret to grow in his chest. Perhaps he underestimated what he could say to a sixteen-year-old.

“You’re _not_ shooting our rooster.”

“I’m not.” Blake had said with a comforting smile. “Maybe you can help me find another home for it.” He’d taken one look at the kid to realize he wasn’t happy with the solution. “Sorry kiddo, but when it comes to choosing between this rooster hitting the road or your _mother_ moving out, I think you know what my decision will be.”

Kingston had scoffed at him in that way teenagers do, and God, was it weird saying that now. Teenager.

“Mom would never, you’ve got her wrapped around your enormous finger.”

“Don’t make fun of this enormous finger.” Blake had shot back, wiggling his brows. “It has proven to be more than helpful in _numerous_ occasions.”

“Gross.”

“You started it.”

“Just don’t shoot the chicken. I’m serious, Blake. I will haunt you forever.” He had said before turning on his heel, realizing that keeping the rooster was just not gonna happen.

Every day they spent in Oklahoma had been one for the books; the kids picking up new hobbies, Gwen learning more about the wildlife, and the album still being worked at in between parenting and having fun.

-x-

The album took about three and half months to finish. He’d done the most writing he’d ever done in his life; his new marriage, life as father to three boys and the overwhelming amount of love in his heart making for the perfect song material. He’d never been so inspired before. He’d never had such an amazing partner who knew exactly how to word it all either. That’s what he learned the most in that whole experience—the exceptional writer and admirable work ethic of Gwen Stefani. He fell in love with her even harder in those months, and he never thought he could harbour anymore space for her in his heart.

After they’d move inside, after an insanely long day filled with recording and hanging out outdoors, he’d be surrounded by their love everywhere. Pictures on the wall, on the dressers, on the shelves. Moments of the last two years, frozen in time, speaking louder than words ever could. One framed photo in particular, a black and white still of Apollo catching his first fish, stops him in his tracks every time.

The look of ecstasy on Apollo’s face and the matching expression on his own as he beams with pride over the accomplishment, it all stuns him.

As much as he gives his wife crap for the amount of pictures she takes, he can’t deny she takes great ones. And he wouldn’t have it any other way. He loves how his whole place is now decorated with moments of his family.

Coming back to LA after that had been a bit of an adjustment for them—especially him. The kids were back in school, the album was officially finished and turned in, and he didn’t feel like leaving his family for weeks on end to stay behind in Oklahoma. He wanted to stay with them, be close and savour each and every moment until they never would have to part again.

His heart filled with joy each night he got to spend with Gwen and the boys. Even the sometimes exhausting act of getting the kids to bed was one he didn’t take for granted. There was a time where he wasn’t included in that routine at all anymore and nothing had ever felt more bleak. This was his calling, the life he was supposed to live; every moment with his family just made him more sure of that.

Each morning brought a new realization that came with parenthood; his unwavering influence on the boys, especially Gwen’s youngest.

“What are you doing in here, little man?” Blake had asked during one of the first nights he started staying over at the house as their mom’s boyfriend again. One glance at the clock on the bedside table had shown him it was way too early to get up yet, but Apollo had not thought the same. He insisted to be lifted up into the bed and though Blake desperately craved some more sleep, he simply couldn’t resist.

The sweet giggle that greets him whenever he pulls the child up into their bed and lets him lay with them for a while, is worth it though. It’s one of the best sounds he has ever heard and it melts him every single time.

“I think someone snuck in here.” Gwen had said groggily, turned around to face her two boys, both Blake and Apollo beaming at her. “Hi baby.”

It took nearly four months for Apollo to stop creeping into their room in the morning, forcing his way in the bed and stealing some cuddles from Blake before they officially got up. Though it severely intervened with their urge for any inappropriate morning activities, it brought an enhanced feeling of validation.

-x-

“Are we ready?” She asked with that high-pitched voice of hers that could make him do whatever she wanted in an instant.

His arm wrapped around her back while staring at the clock.

“Five minutes.” She squealed.

“It’s almost like you’ve never released an album before.” He teased.

She bit her lip so hard he could visibly see her wince.

“Never with the love of my life.” She responded easily. “I’ve never written songs about someone, with that certain someone.”

Blake hummed. “Does that mean I’m your first?”

She leaned in to give him a filthy kiss, perhaps a bit too inappropriate for the many guest sitting around; their teams, her family, the kids.

They decided to make it a party, the Stefani household dead-set on making every event a big one. It’s one of the reasons why he fell so hard for her; never had he ever felt this encouraged and supported before.

“It means you popped my _joined-album-cherry._ ”

There’s an exhilarating sort of high he gets from watching her look at him like that; as if he hung the moon, as if there’s nowhere in the world she’d rather be than with him.

“Damn right, I’ll settle for that.”

“You have to.” She chuckled, staring back at the clock on the wall. “Two minutes. Oh my god cowboy, can you believe we actually finished our album together?”

Our album. He almost couldn’t believe it.

It was never something he had on his to-do list, but when he met Gwen and had the honour of working with her a few times, he knew that making an album together was inevitable. She brought something to his music that no one ever could, and he helped bring out a side of her that she never thought she possessed. It was musical perfection, the two of them together.

“We did it.”

She had kissed him again, soundly and overly possessive. As if everyone had to know he was hers and there was no way anyone could ever stop her from expressing that. He had no complaints, none whatsoever.

_“Ten, nine, eight….”_

The kids had started a countdown, and if he could bottle up Gwen’s smile and keep it forever, he would’ve.

She bit her lip again. “There we go, Blakey…”

_“Six, five, four, three….”_

His arm tightened around her back, pulling her onto his lap. “Two, one….” He whispers against her ear.

_“IT’S OUT”_

He holds her tightly while the whole world is being introduced to their album, whisking away a tear from her cheek in the process.

-x-

All of it brought him to this moment right here in the present.

Gwen’s GMC drives up the large driveway, honking once as she waves out of the rolled-down car window. He smiles at her excitement and beams at her when she nearly runs out of the car.

“I’m so sorry.” She says hurriedly, running into his arms and nuzzling his neck.

He inhales her scent, his lungs filling with a blend of Ivory soap and coconut shampoo.

“You picked a nice day to make me wait on you.” He smiles teasingly. “I’m not mad at it.”

She pokes at his dimple. “I’m so excited.”

He chuckles again while she shimmies in his arms, overly hyped to get on with it.

“Are you ready?” He asks, dangling the new set of keys on his index finger.

She snatches it away from him immediately, nodding her head like a kid in a candy store. He realizes there’s no stopping her and follows close behind her, his hand on her lower back.

“I know we’ve literally seen it a bunch of times, but is it weird I’m still nervous?” She asks.

“Of course not, I’m nervous too babe.” He admits, leaning in to peck her cheek. “We’ve seen the place before whilst under construction, we never saw it completely finished.”

She nods, standing still in front of him and taking a deep breath.

“Before we go in, I just want to tell you something.”

He looks down at her with a worried glance. “Everything alright?”

“More than that.” She replies quickly. “This moment is so surreal right now, Blake. I just want to tell you right now in case I get too emotional later; buying a house with you, designing it from scratch, it’s something I never thought I’d have. I’m so thankful for you, Blake Shelton.”

He steps closer to her, clearing his throat and pulling her tightly to his chest. “Are you happy?"

“Beyond happy.” She tells him. “You…you’ve given me everything I’ve ever wanted. Even when I fought you on it, you wouldn’t let me walk away from this. God, I’m so thankful that you are a stubborn cowboy sometimes.”

He pulls her tighter to him, whispering something to her that she almost can’t hear, but he knows she does. He says it again, a little louder as his fingers trail the straps of her tank top.

“Say it again.” She whispers, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip.

He grins.

“I said…” He whispers, holding her close. “I told you I was the guy. I’m the guy, baby. The one that was meant to be here with you now, the one who’s supposed to help raise your boys, _our_ boys. I knew it from the first time I proposed and I know you did too. This was always gonna be the ending to our story, the beginning of our lives together.”

Breathlessly, she looks into his eyes.

“We need to go inside now or we’ll never make it.”

He laughs at her. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He nudges her forward, but she shakes her head and hands him the keys.

“You do it.” She quips.

He pushes the door open, letting her go in first.

The LA light that shines inside from the open windows hits Gwen square on the face and it’s the most ridiculously gorgeous thing he’s ever seen. The way she looks around the place they designed together—watching it all come to fruition here in this moment—sends a shiver down Blake’s spine.

“ _Blake_.” She whispers, reaching for his hand.

He squeezes hers and holds it up to his lips, kissing her knuckles. “I know.”

“It’s perfect.”

She walks over to the large window, smiling as Blake comes to stand behind her and wraps his arms around her. She leans into him with a smile on her face, while he keeps them steady as they gaze over their new property. Blake’s hand slides to one of her hips, keeping both of them grounded.

It adds to the overwhelming sense of peace that settles in his chest, utter contentment piercing his heart.

They’re home now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been a fun and emotional ride. Thank you for taking it with me.


End file.
